As I continue down the path of self-discovery, I'm becoming more aware that the harder I search for answers in life, the less I find. If there is one thing I have learned is that I am a walking contridiction, I always have been. My heart seems to be on it's own frequency, as my mind and my soul, and when I say it's own frequency, i mean literally, each aspect having it's own agenda. Whichever screams the loudest is where I usually focus my attention on. The inner conflict feels to be never-ending. It's funny because I see so many people preaching about inner peace, balance and something about the cosmo's, yet when I read the books and do the meditations, though some questions are answered, it still dousn't leave me any closer to what my life purpose is. I've come to the conclusion a long time again that maybe our life pupose isn't something destined from someone greater than ourselves, well maybe partly, but we are never handed an instruction book telling us, "you are destined to be the worst first rodeo clown priest, you will not only make people laugh but you will also offer up confession before they ride the bull just in case you can't get the bull away from the rider". Life dousn't work like that. I am beginning to understand that we are with some natural born talents and gifts, along with a whole array of interests and passions, which serves as our guidebook for we also have a natural desire to follow the things that fulfill us.
We are driven down our destined path through our own needs, wants and desires. Sometimes it's more of an instant gratification and other times, it's things that are deeply seeded in our souls, which usually the instant gratification is merely a symptom of this. For me my soul always seems to cry out in pain for reasons that never seem to really make sence to me. Often i feel like I'm walking in circles and accomplishing nothing, yet when i look back, I realize that no matter how many times I walk the circle, the circle is never the same. The people are different. Some are still there when I come back around and other's have moved on to their own circles. The siuations always change, yet i always seem to grieve the loss, yet, I feel driven to continue waking and exploring new things.
The chapters in my life are many, and though some of those chapters make me physically sick, there is always something worth holding on to or to at least look back and see the worth in it all. The worst relationships I have ever been in produced the greatest gifts I will ever have, my children. I was also blessed with 2 father's who can't seem to get past themselves enough to even care for these children, and when I actually look at the situation, again I was provided with people that would allow me to move forward and not get stuck having to handle an undesirable situation. Though there is a huge part of me that focuses on merely the injustice of it all, deep down inside, i know their irrisponsibility is my gain. It's unleashed a stregnth in myself that I never knew exsisted and has given me the freedom to make the choices I feel are best for them. It has allowed me to teach my children who to keep in their lives and who is poison and needs to be gone. I'm beginning to see a greater picture in the whole incident and that maybe their irresponsibility may have caused some harm but in turn has allowed me full reign to protect them from those people. Again, the contridiction.
Maybe I have underestimated my ability to see all sides of things which has given me a deeper understanding of compassion towards those I may not have otherwise spent my time with.
If there is one thing I hope to accomplish while I am on this planet, is to help make a change. The reason why I began this path to begin with is because I wanted to be one of the one's who have come here to help heal the people on this earth, not hurt or hinder. It's taken many years of heartache and pain to help me realize what my soul already knew. I am here for a greater purpose, we all are and that purpose usually runs alot deeper than a million dollar home in Pacific Grove . That purpose runs deeper than anyone can imagine and it's stored within the depths of our soul.Profound yet so simple, but once we discover our true purpose, it is lifechanging. So how do we discover it? Through alot of soul searching, our willingness to dive deep into the shadows of the soul and ability to let go and see the truth as it was meant to be seen. This often requires setting our fears and ego's aside and being able to discover the blessings within the storm. By accepting the possibility that if things would have turned out the way you imagined, you may have missed everything. We can't look at our purpose from the outside, because it's not there, it's within us. We are given a million paths to choose from, and the greater picture is merely the knoweldge of knowing that no matter which path you choose, it is your purpose and all the path's will eventually lead you to the same place.
We are driven down our destined path through our own needs, wants and desires. Sometimes it's more of an instant gratification and other times, it's things that are deeply seeded in our souls, which usually the instant gratification is merely a symptom of this. For me my soul always seems to cry out in pain for reasons that never seem to really make sence to me. Often i feel like I'm walking in circles and accomplishing nothing, yet when i look back, I realize that no matter how many times I walk the circle, the circle is never the same. The people are different. Some are still there when I come back around and other's have moved on to their own circles. The siuations always change, yet i always seem to grieve the loss, yet, I feel driven to continue waking and exploring new things.
The chapters in my life are many, and though some of those chapters make me physically sick, there is always something worth holding on to or to at least look back and see the worth in it all. The worst relationships I have ever been in produced the greatest gifts I will ever have, my children. I was also blessed with 2 father's who can't seem to get past themselves enough to even care for these children, and when I actually look at the situation, again I was provided with people that would allow me to move forward and not get stuck having to handle an undesirable situation. Though there is a huge part of me that focuses on merely the injustice of it all, deep down inside, i know their irrisponsibility is my gain. It's unleashed a stregnth in myself that I never knew exsisted and has given me the freedom to make the choices I feel are best for them. It has allowed me to teach my children who to keep in their lives and who is poison and needs to be gone. I'm beginning to see a greater picture in the whole incident and that maybe their irresponsibility may have caused some harm but in turn has allowed me full reign to protect them from those people. Again, the contridiction.
Maybe I have underestimated my ability to see all sides of things which has given me a deeper understanding of compassion towards those I may not have otherwise spent my time with.
If there is one thing I hope to accomplish while I am on this planet, is to help make a change. The reason why I began this path to begin with is because I wanted to be one of the one's who have come here to help heal the people on this earth, not hurt or hinder. It's taken many years of heartache and pain to help me realize what my soul already knew. I am here for a greater purpose, we all are and that purpose usually runs alot deeper than a million dollar home in Pacific Grove . That purpose runs deeper than anyone can imagine and it's stored within the depths of our soul.Profound yet so simple, but once we discover our true purpose, it is lifechanging. So how do we discover it? Through alot of soul searching, our willingness to dive deep into the shadows of the soul and ability to let go and see the truth as it was meant to be seen. This often requires setting our fears and ego's aside and being able to discover the blessings within the storm. By accepting the possibility that if things would have turned out the way you imagined, you may have missed everything. We can't look at our purpose from the outside, because it's not there, it's within us. We are given a million paths to choose from, and the greater picture is merely the knoweldge of knowing that no matter which path you choose, it is your purpose and all the path's will eventually lead you to the same place.
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