Christmas Sucks

Christmas Sucks

I have always hated christmas. How everything just builds and builds and then after the presents are opened, the magick of the holiday seems to disappear after the last present is opened. Now that I am a mother and wife, I am basically in charge of everyone's happiness and satisfaction during this season. I do all of the shopping for gifts, the shopping for the christmas dinners, yes, dinners since our families don't get along, I have to cook for both, making sure everything is set up, the presents are wrapped.. everything. Ok fine, I can accept this responsibility, but tonight was yet another blow to my ego.
It's not that I expect anything, being broke, I would much rather the money be spent on the kids. In the past when we do have money, they depend on me to buy my own gifts anyway's because they don't seem to have any idea what to get me anyway's. Ok, fine I can deal with this to, better to get something I might actually enjoy then some (lame) present that actually had some thought behind it, right? I'm being sarcastic. I don't think they understand that I could give a shit less about the gift, it's the heart and the thought behind it that matters to me.
So why am I whining again now? Well, we were watching charmed, and my husband looks over and say's he's going to have to kick me out of the room so him and my kids can wrap their christmas present to me. 15 minutes later, the show ends and I get ready to leave. My daughter doesn't want to do it and my son get's upset because he is really excited. Come to find out my daughter wanted to watch a movie that was coming on and was willing to go in our room if she could watch the movie while wrapping it. (Jee, thanks) but she's a kid so what do you expect? But my husband decides that he doesn't want to watch it, he wants to watch a different show so my daughter backs out and leaves. Then my husband say's that he's not feeling well anyways and they can do it tomarrow. Talk about making me feel like shit once again. I hate to admit it but it is quite heartbreaking knowing that I spend so much time and energy trying to give them the best christmas we can afford and wrapping one simple present for me is just to much work. They would rather rather watch tv instead of taking 15 minutes out of their busy schedule. Lord knows that with all we have to do tomorrow, noone will get to it or will be rushed since tomorrow is Christmas Eve and done out of obligation anyway's.
I told my husband just to give it to my son since he is the only one who actually want's to do it anyway's. No, really, I don't want to put anyone out.
They did this on Mother's Day to. The lack of emotion behind it was so painful I decided not have them celebrate Mother's Day for me anymore. Wish your grandmother's a happy mother's day, but leave me out of it. I mean seriously, I don't ask for anything in return , but everyone seems obligated, not because they want to but because they have to attitude, it just invalidates me even more. I keep telling them not to do anything when their heart's aren't into it anyways, yet they do and once again, making a person feel special obviously isn't a strong point in this family.
Except for my son, unselfishly, lol, he just gets so excited. A very good kid with a very big heart. I'll keep his his, the other two can go back to the store, I don't want it.
I was hoping that getting this out of my system would make me feel better, but it didn't. So I'm just going to quite whining. 

The Path

I opened my circle this evening. Up until this evening, I have spent most of my evening circles simply involved in healing rituals, spirit crossing and energy cleansing and clearing. I have spent little time lately mediating on actual goals or getting a clear picture on what I am supposed to do. This evening I decided I would seek clarity.
    It's been on my heart lately that I often get swayed into useless and meaningless things. Though they seem important at the time, at the end of the day, they are meaningless and have done nothing to fulfill the soul. I feel like I am drifting through life day by day without and direction or destination. Tonight, in my circle seemed no different.
     I opened my circle as usual, called upon my God and started the connection process. Usually I could spend up to twenty minutes in connecting alone, but tonight, it was only five minutes until I opened my eyes and just watched the flame of the candle. I was guided to close my eyes once again, and so I did. I was guided down a dark path. The moon could not be seen, only the stars above and the lamp within my hand would render the light that I needed. I could not see very far up ahead, but I continued to follow the path anyway's knowing that it was were I needed to go. As I continued down the path, the open field to my left began to disappear and the trees around me became more dense. At the entrance of the forest there was an Angel standing at a fork in the path. I was given the choice to continue forward or to follow the path he was pointing down. I choose the Angels path. As I walked passed him, the door closed behind me.
      As I continued to walk further, another clearing appeared to my right. Thousands of tiny white lights lit up the field and I knew that they were fireflies. I noticed that as I was moving, they were also moving slightly ahead of me as if guiding me down the road. Soon, another fork appeared and Jesus was standing there. He asked me which road I would like to take. The road before me appeared to winde back into the forest, yet the new path led towards the field. It felt so open and free and so I left the old path behind and followed this new path. Shortly up ahead I saw a large fireplace and a bench. I was asked to join him at the king's table, where I was offered, food and drink. I accepted the offer, though feeling a bit hesitant of where I would be going next.
     Suddenly, in the darkness, a voice asked " where would you like to go?" I sat there for several minutes unable to answer for I had no idea. I was told that I had no destination in mind. The destination may only be half the journey, yet it is just as important as the journey itself, for knowing where we are going while on the journey gives us meaning and purpose for that journey. I realized that I had been spending many years merely walking on the path and simply following it. I had no destination in mind. I figured that the path alone would simply take me where I needed to go and if opportunities came along, then it was simply destined. I am a traveler with no map or compass. A traveler with no destination or purpose other then to learn the lesson of the path alone. I could see the field before me as several paths became etched into the field,  several spirals that led to nowhere and realized that I have been taking all of the side paths here and there and getting nowhere. I had no destination, no purpose.
       On top of a mountain, in the distance I saw a beautiful city over looking a valley. This city represented the goals that I wanted to accomplish, my destination. I was asked once again, if I wanted to continue down this path or if i would like to go back to the old path. I chose the new path and as I began to walk towards my destination, a small path reared to the left. I was encouraged not to take the tiny path, but to continue down the path that led me to my destination, the goals I wanted to achieve and so I continued to walk down the main path.
         This is where my meditation ends and my new life begins. To stay upon our destined path takes discipline and control, but now that I have a clearer picture of the importance of destinations, I now have clarity to achieve many of these goals
       

Another Step Out Of The Rabbit Hole

I have realized that some of most deepest and profound moments come in our darkest hour. This dark moment began last night. At the time I didn't know the origin. I should have been in 7th heaven but after a moment of peace and joy, everything began to fall apart once again. I started feeling off. Soon after I became overwhelmed, and then depressed. The depression stayed with me thoughout the day and I couldn't understand why.
  My goal was to open my circle this night and bawl my eyes out. So much sadness and pain within needing to be released. So I opened my circle. I tried connecting with the Divine. It took some time but I finally was able to open my spirit enough to let some of the light in. The Divine must have known my struggles for I was asked to face the candle of the east after connecting to the candle before me. I turned to the right and associated that candle with the earth and all of it's inhabitants. I was asked to connect to all of the energies of the earth, to include the elements, the plants and creatures and human. This came quite easily and flowed so easily. I stayed there for several minutes connecting the energy of the divine, my spirit or higher self and the energies of the earth.
   When I was finished there was a gold cord that connected from the divine to the earth. All the energies became one. I was asked to move to the candle of the self. This candle represented myself. The human, the soul, the physical body and all that is within me. I sat there quietly for some time, afraid to connect. There was a part of me that was reluntant to do so, but finally it was like my spirit took over me and as I connected and healed the energy of the earth, I connected and began to heal myself. I looked up and saw myself in spirit. So beautiful, filled with love and compassion, beauty, stregnth and power. We begin to merge as one. I realized then that the block was not the energy without, but within. The need I sought was healing within. I didn't realize how much healing I needed. So my spirit began to heal my soul. The energy connected and I began to feel whole and complete. My biggest area of healing is fear. I will be needing to spend more time healing myself. The Divine then asked me if I noticed which order I placed the candles. Their candle first, then the candle of the earth, and then the candle of me, which I was reluctant to even face. I have spent so much time and energy healing so many people, that I often seek a quick fix for myself. Yet I have never took the time to heal myself. So I was asked to switch the candles. It was time to place myself next for if I am whole and complete, if I am healed, then I will have the strength the heal the earth, the people that I am called to heal and the world around me.
   The cord then began to connect to the last candle, the candle of the west. The last candle forms a perfect circle. The circle represents a full circle and connection. I was shown the energy of that connection of all things. The energy began to mesh as one and I finally began to understand how it is supposed to be. The cord circled around the last candle and merged with the first candle, creating a perfect circle.
    It's difficult to understand the depth of this knowledge, but for someone like me, I have to feel it, experience it. I look forward to this path of healing. I will be doing this ritual for the next few nights with the hopes that the healing with continue to help me see my true self.

The View of the Hanged Man

If you have ever played with a tarot deck, one of the most well known is the hanged man. This card is interesting and when I pull this card, I always have the urge to turn him around because he is upside-down. So I turned him rightside-up and for me that seemed like this is how the picture should be. But when looking at him, noone put him in the upside-down position but himself. Meaning he chooses to be the wrong way. But the wrong way is not the wrong way for the hanged man, ,for him, this is how he views the world because to him, upside=down is right side-up and rightside-up is upside-down.
  This simple knowledge has helped me to understand that just because the world says that I should be like them, rightside-up, doesn't mean that mean that rightside-up is right for me. This is a big lesson because I am constantly trying to find inner truth from outside sources. But this often leads me feeling more confused and defeated because their ways often don't work for me. So I find my own way of doing it and it fits so perfectly. We must each find our own paths, even if it means you are upside-down or sideways with the rest of the world. For you, when you follow the path of the soul, the path within, you will always be rightside-up.

Today has been an interesting day. One filled with so much spiritual knowledge and so much.. words can't even describe this so I will do the best that I can.
   I guess it started off as a typical day. We went thrift store shopping, being that I have been a real stickler for paying full price for anything,lol. Most of this has to do with having 3 children, well two smaller children, being that my oldest is grown now and doesn't ruin anything anymore, plus a dog and 2 cats. I learned the hard way that it;s just not worth it. Being broke most of my life and having juice stains and paw prints on even the old stuff, makes me feel blessed that I have saved the extra money. So we spent the day shopping through different stores. I was in the fitting room and heard a male voice behind me. This is nothing new to me since paranormal activity has become normal to al of us now. So I politely , ok maybe not that politely, asked him for some privacy and he left. Sheesh, just because they can float through doors and walls doesn't mean they should! They need to make up some rules and morals for these spirits,lol.
    So they continued on and I logged into my work site. I felt drawn to a particular psychic who was new. Immedietly I picked up on and older male and sure enough, the girl she was reading, her father passed away.
I went into another room, and before the lady said anything about what happend to her child, I picked up on a child spirit and knew that he had passed away. This was confirmed about 5 minutes later. This is only the most recent of the activity that has been going on here.
    I know that I have been pushing back my responsibilites as a medium, but after years of running away from this gift you would think that the spirits would quite coming, but they don't. I can feel their desperation for help, yet I have been pushing them away. Not helping them. I'm still trying to figure out why I do this. For they to are human, just because they no longer have a body, the spirit still remains, and when they haven't crossed over yet, then they are still bound here by the things that keep them here, sadness, revenge, lack of closure, fear. All that they have left this realm with, they continue to carry this cross in the afterlife. It's sad really, for the darkness can get pretty damn dark.
    Mediums are a beacon of light to them and when they see this light, they are drawn to it. The come not because they have to, but because the desire to heal is there, yet they are unable to do it themselves. Many mediums have their bag of tricks and their gifts that they have spent a lifetime developing in order to help them to cross over. I've watched many of them, read the books and have done the traditional ways except for the ouigia board. I know this to be dangerous and a portal, anything can come through really. I even took notes and tried to mimic the way of Jennifer Love Huitte, but nothing seemed to fit. I accepted my gift in this area a few months ago, so that couldn't be the block.
     My husband and I went to dinner tonight and on the way I saw the most spectacular scene, lightning around the full moon. I felt so strong, so connected and so grounded. I have never felt so charged yet so grounded all in the same moment. So when we went to dinner, the romantic evening we had planned on having kind of went to the wayside when Red Lobster decided to charge me a whole lot of money for a tiny bit of food, the loud chaotic noises of the busy restraunt and the pounding on the wall next to our booth. I was a bit dishearted and tried to get over it in order to not ruin the whole evening. After dinner we finally left, and I gotta say, I couldn't wait. It felt so good being in the quiet car and enjoying a peaceful ride home.
      We started talking about my mediumship and how I have been avoiding the spirit realm alot lately. Intentionally putting up the blinders or simply sending them away. I started talking about the same thing as mentioned above, using Ghost Whisperer as a training ground and how all of the other pyschics do it. How I feel so inexperienced in this are and so inferior. Not that I am trying to be prideful or that I really care how others look at me in this area, it goes way beyond pride. It's more of having the desire to help but not really knowing how. Then it dawned on. And how I haven't figured this out before, that I never do what other people do, why should this be any different? But I thought back to the last couple of spirits that came to me, the ones I DID help. There was no convincing them to cross over because of all the horrible things that would happen if they don't, no internet research or trying to give messages to other people. No blowing them off and trying to bend them to my will. No, my experience was quite different. The came to me and I simply listened.
      The female remember quite clearly. She came to me very upset and afraid, like in a panic. There was so much confusion and chaos around her. I listened to her patiently for a short time and suddenly the energy changed. I asked if she saw the light. She said yes. And everything that she was feeling a few moments before was completely gone. There was so much peace at that very moment and somehow I knew she was ready.  She asked if it was safe and what lye beyond. I told her that I wasn't sure what lye beyond for her but I knew that that was where she was supposed to go and that she would be ok there. And just like that she walked right through. This happened a few times, and I had to stop and think about it, step by step. I still can't explain what exactly what happened to either one of them. All I know is that there seemed to be some weird energy transformation that happened quite quickly and then they were gone. I don't know how they healed so quickly, but they did. It's weird, especially after seeing how all of the other psychics did it. The only think I can think of is maybe the light within me that they are attracted to, maybe this light is projected onto them and they are finally able to feel peace.
     This brought me to second "aha moment" ...connection and the depth of it. The light comes from heaven or from , for me , God. Because I follow God, Christ and the Holy Spirit, their light lives within me. And when that light is projected then they can see this light, feel it's peace and at that moment, all of the old fades away and they are able to feel the light, love and peace of God.
      For all of those who choose to walk in the light and to have that connection with the Divine, the light resides within them. And that light spreads to others, in my case, the spirit realm. So God's light through me, healed them without any real words spoken. It's so simple, yet so profound to see the miracles of the Divine even in the spirit realm. I am now looking at this is a different light and am beginning to understand who profound our connections truly are.
      Tonight I connected to the storm and the full moon and it fulfilled me. In the past, I connected with the Divine and be filled with his light, which in turn was shared with another of his creations and it saved them, al through connection. Our connections to the higher source and to one another is what it is all about. As a medium, this is the greatest tool in our toolboxes. Sure there will be those who come to snuff out the light, but because we have an unlimited and constant connection with the Divine, that light can never fade unless we break the connection. To live life to the fullest, learn to connect to all things around you .Soul to soul to soul. The eternal circle of energy. This is what it's all about. Wholeness through connection.  I wish I could describe how deep this is, but the only way to understand is to experience it yourself.
     It's funny how the universe works. The next time you need healing, ask the Divine for his perfect white light. When it is given to you, allow this light to fill the soul. You will begin to notice a change not only in yourself, but take note of the people around you it effects. This is connection It's quite remarkable what you will see.
      

Have We Missed The Point?

    It's kind of funny, being raised in the christian faith and having my mother and all the church people talk about heaven as if it were some Utopia in the sky somewhere. A reward for all of our hard work on this planet and having to endure all of lives troubles and heartache.
I have never really felt all that connected to heaven or what will lye ahead when I die. In fact, maybe some of my fears revolving around death have alot to do with this lack of connection to something greater then here.
    I have spent a lifetime trying to capture this feeling, a few precious moments of pure connection. Though there is much pain on this planet, there is also so much beauty. Moments of love with another person, moments of solitude and spiritual bliss, the connection that pains brings us in order to bring forth our greatest qualities, stregnth, endurance, and peace.
    I notice so many people talking about leaving this planet for good. Almost like they will be able to leave all this pain behind and live in some heavenly bliss up in the clouds where everything is "perfect". A place where we will be handed grand mansions and every delicious fruit ever exsisted. Where we will live for all eternity in loves embrace and never will a tear be shed again.
    Sure, it sounds great on the surface. But I notice how quickly people are ready to leave this world behind. Look at where this world was 5 thousand years ago, then look at us now. We were handed a beautiful paradise that provided for all that we need, on all levels of our exsistance. Now that mankind has destroyed it, we want to leave and start over? Why would the creator of the universe give us a new paradise, if we can't take care of what he has already given us? What if the point is not to whisp us away to some new paradise? What if that new paradise has already been given to us and it is here?
    Jesus said that the kingdom of God is within, which means it is already here. What if we are wrong and it is not some place up in the sky a million lightyears away? What if this is our heaven and hell and we are not given another place to rest?
    Or what if the prophets are correct and we are given a new heaven, a new place? The theory is that we will be changed, transformed, however, we were already given domain of this earth. Will we be stripped of our free? Because this is what would have to happen in prder to create this sacred Utopia. If it wasn't done before , why would it be done later?
    My point is not to strip people of their hopes of a better world, but maybe the better world that is to come is the world we presently live in. If we are running from one of the greateast paradises that the Divine could give , if we are always searching for something greater and never stop to see what we do have, how on this earth or in heaven are we going to appreciate "heaven"? We won't.
     I'm beginning to realize that heaven and hell both co-exsist within us. One is connection to the divine and all the things that represent that. Hell is the opposite, seperation from the divine all that represent it. If the kingdom of heaven is within, that means the kingdom of heaven is not up in the cosmos, it is here, the place we exsist in the here and now. With this theory, we may not get another paradise, we may have to go on what we already do have. And if there is going to be change, we are the ones who will have to step up to the plate and make those changes, not just for us, but the future generations.
    Maybe we lost the whole point of our exsistance. Maybe we have lost site of the treasures that have already been given to us because we are constantly searching for more. Reading this in a blog post may sound absurd, but look at the people who you love the most, your pets, your friends. What about the beauty within the sound of the waves, the cool breeze on a hot summer day,, the beauty of the moon as it turns huge and orange. When we will ever stop looking for the golden cup and realize how sacred the tin cup in front of us really is? When will we realize that when we are crying out for courage, that the pain within is the gift of courage?
    This is just food for thought, things running around in my own head and needed to be released.

Mystic's Path 2

The morning meditations and open circle the past few days have been proven to be one of the most sacred and enlightening moments I have had since beginning this path. I feel more grounded, more peaceful and more spiritual, but it also feels as if it comes at a price. How could anyone ever think that this type of spirituality could ever come at a cost? By leaving the hardship and pain behind I feel as if I am leaving those who must still endure this pain and suffering, as if I have been granted a free pass and not really quite sure I am ready to use it. The path of the mystic is a sacred path in search of the divine, all that is wholesome and pure, yet I fear of loosing a piece of my self, my humanity. Yet, I must continue down this path in hopes that my fears will subside and realize that the shadows aren't as dark as they seem and that in order to have light, we must first walk through the shadows of our impurities and imperfection. Maybe by some chance it's the lack of perfection that makes us perfect after all. 
  I opened my sacred circle this morning. I decided to take the silent advice of the Guru on Youtube and find my own flow of energy. So raising my hands towards the sky, I embraced the energy of the divine. With heart wide open, my entire being was envoloped in the beautiful sacred energy of love, healing and light. A small light shaped like a small ball spirled down and found it's place inside the depths of my soul. I drew my hands down towards my core in a praying position, aligning my intentions with the energy and sealing it deep within.
As a gardener tends it's precious crops, I sowed that seed and soon it began grow. As within , so without. The circle became larger and larger created a protective bubble around my home and family.
  In my sacred space, I once again communed with the Divine. I was taken to a forested area, a sacred path in between two mountains. Not the same place as the place before, this place appeared more ominous, yet magickal. Heavy fog covered the path ahead, fealessly I continued to walk forward. Soon two angels joined me, one on each side. Their light illuminated the darkness. I was told to stop for just a few moments and to will the fog to part and dissapaite, and so I did. I willed the sun to shine through the mist and soon the mist disappeared. I was told that I was powerful, more powerful than I realized. I asked how that could be, for that power was not my power, but the power of the Divine flowing through me. I was told that I am a child of the Divine and that the power was given to me. Soon I was cloaked in a beautiful robe and crowned with gold and beautiful gems. I didn't feel comfortable, unworthy to wear such things. I didn't want this, I wanted to be clothed in clothing that was simple, clothing that would allow me to walk amoung others without notice. So my magnificent robe and crown was turned into a simple cloak and headpiece with a small crystal hanging down my forehead. It was explained to me that we were one, we were ALL one, and all the forces above are given to me for help those of us below.
   I was then joined by my husband and children who also glowed in the glorious light. We are family, we are one among millions of others. We hold the powers of the heavens because we are one with the Divine. We pass this torch along and those who accept are also given this power, and the circle continues. This power is within us because we are all connected with one another and with the Divine. The most precious and sacred gift we could ever be given is that sacred connection to all living things.
    I don't know where this journey will lead to tomarrow, but the sacred path of the mystics is the realization that all the mystical and magickal things that we seek are already within us.

The Mystics Path 1

   My husband and I have made the conscious choice to do a type of daily morning ritual. I know this should be a given for most people, but I have come to realize that it is not just a daily routine, but a spiritual lifestyle to help us connect to God in our own ways.
   My husband routine consists of cleansing the house with sage. He has the gift of healing and when he is finished, the energy of where he cleans is so pure and safe. It's so beautiful it would tears to the hardest of hearts.
   My routine is different and consists of opening a circle every morning. I have spent a lifetime tapping into my own abilites and have spent the last 8 years figuring out what they are and who I am. It has been a tough journey for it seemed the more knowledge I gained, the more confused I became. I replaced faith with understanding . I have also realized the knowledge in all of it's glory has both a balance of light and dark, as with all things.
    I'm coming back to my roots now. I'm remembering who I am through the help of the Divine. The Mystic's Path is a recount of the things I have learned and experienced in my circle to help me remember in times that I may forget. I'm still making adjustments based on intention. At this point my intention is to draw in the light and reconnect with the Divine and my higher self as some would call it.
    I will begin with the lesson from yesterday and come back later for today. Yesterday I began to work out the basics of my morning ritual that begins with adding motion to intention. I started with some basic yoga moves and have spent quite a few hours trying to organize it. What I learned is that the soul longs to be free and organization for me means to follow the flow of my own energy and my own heart. This was accomplished through putting on a youtube video of an Indian Guru conducting the Sun Salutations. I watched with his intentions and convictions and desired to be able to do that my self. I noticed how the energy just flowed without conscious thought as he allowed his own spirit to take over. This was my intention at the moment, yet I failed miserably. Why? Because I was trying to follow the flow of his energy instead of listening to my own. So I sat quietly and began to connect on my own.
     I sat cross legged and envisioned a circle of white sparkles surrounding my. The flow felt unstable. While asking for help I was shown a picture of a bowel and some water in it and instructed to place my finger in it. As I dis this, i moved my finger clockwise to the flow I desired. The energy around me began to follow immediately and it became free flowing yet strong. I envisioned this circle moving around and outward, stretching further and further out until it covered my entire home and property. My circle was set.
     I then began to visualize a large green field with two mountains on both sides and a small path that led to ocean. I saw a lonesome tree asked why I was seeing this. Suddenly, the area I was sitting on, my body began to grow roots that traveled deep within the earth. My body began to transform upwards as the middle became the trunk. With arms stretched outward, they began full, beautiful and lush branches. A cool breeze began to flow as I swayed to the rythem of the air. The sun was warm and welcoming and nourished me. Suddenly a small creek appeared next to me and quenched my thirst.  Soon the transformation was complete and I transformed into the tree with each of the elements supplying my needs. I felt complete, grounded and stable.
     I asked if I would always be like this, for my soul always longs for different things at different times. I was asked to take a step forward and I began to transform back into my self with the energy of the tree and all that came with it at that moment. It was now a part of me. So I envaioned a Raven and began to transform once again. I took flight and freely soared through the air. I flew gracefully across the water and above the mountains until I found a place on the very top of a mountain. The view was spectacular. As I planted my feet on the ground, I was again transformed back into myself, taking with me all that was me as the Raven. I stayed there for quite some time. It was gently explained to me that power of energy and projection. That we transform our energy in many different ways, and even though we will never always stay in one sacred place inside or another, we bring these things with us and we can come back always, for it travels with us. We are all one, above and below.
      I was shown one last thing. I was standing on a cliff next to the ocean. The clouds were becoming dark and ominous. I began to become afraid. I was guided to envision the circle of energy around me. So I closed my eyes and invioned a circle of peace, love and protection. The energy was strong yet gentle. I focused my attention solely on this circle. I could see the storm approaching quickly, tital waves crashing up against the rocks I was standing on. I kneeled and focused on the circle and the sacred space I had created. Though I was afraid, I knew this circle would protect me. I looked around and a tital wave came crashing above me and water flooded the area around me. I was completly under this wave, yet not one drop of water entered my circle. I was safe and protected. Finally the water receeded and the storm ended. The sun began to shine and I arose. It was explained to me that we can not always control the the things around us, and some things will make us afraid, however, that sacred spot within when projected outward will protect us from those storms of life. No matter how difficult the storm, we are loved and safe.
        By the time my meditation was over, I found the basics of my own morning routine which I will explain in my next entry.

Full Moon Candle Wax Divination

Today was a busy day and we got home really late tonight tonight. I wanted to so something still for the full moon, since this is a time to of communion with God and the Godess, in my case the holy trinity. I have been wanting to do a candle wax divination for some time, but have put it off. Tonight I didn't and I am so glad that I followed through.
I was thinking about my path lately and how I felt I was standing still. Not moving forward or backwards. Just here. I really didn;t have much other on my mind. So I asked God to simply speak to me. When I first lit the candle, dabs of candle wax floated all over, here and there in random areas of the bowl. None seemed to really forn any type of symbol. This represented my past and how I experimented with one thing after another tryong to find something that fit, something that would fulfill the soul. This also represented a time where I felt alone, disconnected and scattered.
Suddenly the candle wax began to settle on one area. As the wax continued to drip, it began to form a solid path. It showed me going down one path. At one point it stopped and began to gather in one spot. This was the crossroads I was at 8 years ago. After a few moments, the wax began to form going the opposite direction but still strong and connected to the path, This represents when I decided to leave all that I knew from the past and leave it behind. I made a decision to follow a new path, my own path. A path that knew no rules and regulations, one that would allow me to worship my God as I chose, and express it in a way that came from the heart. I broke away and finally took God out of the box.
  The wax continued to form the rest of the path until it ended. It continued to accumulate and rise in the same area. I asked what my future would hold. I was guided to move the candle in a different area. Unlike the first time, the wax accumulated once again, thick and strong. I knew that once I set forward on this path, that my path was no longer scattered but solid. The foundation of my present will continue into my future. This will never change. The wax began to move towards the original one, the original path as if to melt together.
   Looking at the wax, I noticed that there were some turns, some hills yet the path remained solid. I was able to see where I was and where I am now. I was shown that the future is also solid and strong and that my path is blessed.
  When I looked at the symbols behind the message, the original path looks like a dragon. The one that represented my future looked like a fish. The dragon represents wisdom. The fish represents good fortune. Being that this was a more spiritual journey, I feel that fish represents spirituality as a whole and that by continung down my path I will continue to prosper and grow in this wisdom.
   I will definitely be doing this again and couldn't have found a better way to celebrate this sacred night.

Dreams Today

I had two dreams this afternoon. This really isn't as much as a blog a it is to jot this down so I can remember and go through this more thoroughly.
I was really tired this afternoon. In fact, it is VERY rare I take naps because it throws off my schedule. As I was drifting off to sleep, I was talking to my daughter and I heard a voice. I can't remember what it said, I just remember that I heard it wrong and it was repeated correctly. In my mind, I saw my bedroom and a quick flash across my room and it disappeared. It was like a white smear running across my room. I knew it was a spirit. It got my attention and I opened my eyes looking for her. I wish I remembered what she said. Spirit dreams often work like this for me. So I went back to sleep.
The first dream, I was with my daughter and my dad. We were going to the storage unit at night to get something. We got out of the car. I think we were in the wrong parking lot and we got out. I wasn't paying attention to what was going on. I soon noticed a bunch of people standing and looking straight ahead, the direction I had my back turned. I turned around around and there was a guy with a gun and yelling at people to turn around and not to move. I was going to chance it at first until I heard him yell again and we were the only one's moving. I stopped and told my daughter to do exactly as he says. She was to my right where I could still see her. He told us to take a few steps backwards. My daughter did and so did I , but I could not see her anymore. I was afraid to look back because I feared it would only put her in more danger. I don't know what ended it, but next thing I know people were dropping like flies and I thought I was shot. I turned around and my daughter was nowhere in site. I began to head towards the car and kept telling myself I was ok and not shot. Suddenly the symptoms of being shot were gone and so was everyone else. I ran back to he car and found my daughter safe and sound in the back seat. I asked her what she was doing in there. She said she was hiding from the bad guy. I asked , " he never saw you?" she shook her head and smiled. That ended the first dream.
I moved into the second dream and it was a repeat from before, yet a little different. Before, meaning a dream I had a long time ago. We were in this marketplace from kind of like the renessance period, yet it was with modern people, ect. Again, my daughter was with me. We were walking around and was having a good time. Then suddenly I saw some people in black robes and they had someone laying on some wood. He looked like he was about to be sacrificed. He layed still as they prepared him. I wondered if he was already dead. I ran into the next shop to warn someone. This was all to familiar and I remembered in my dream doing this before. So I played along with it, already knowing the ending. I was still like of frantic and was trying to warn someone. He saw who I was talking about and it made me a target for the others. They were passing some type of potion os green glo stuff,making people drink it. I refused to . We were trying to get away and ducked into a different room. Somehow my daughter disappeared. I went back out to look for her and saw her on a bridge with some other children. I knew they had gotten her. I ran up the stairs and started fighting with the ones that had her and the other kids. They were evil and they threatened me. I didn't care. My daughter started hanging over the edge and fell. I ran down the stairs because I knew in my other dream, the leader caught her and took her away again. When I got down there, she was gone again. I knew they had her, yet I wasn't so panicked because I already knew how the dream would end. It ended with me rescuing her. Suddenly I was in the middle of a field with teenagers everywhere. They had gathered the teens for "ceremony". My plan was the same as before, to hide amoung them and rescue her when they brought the children out. At that point, nothing seemed to matter. I had so much peace around me that I didn't even want to finish the dream. I already knew. Then I woke up.
My daughter comes in with a big smile on her face and I can consciously see everything is ok. I have been trying to figure all of this out. The signs lately have pointed to some really weird shit. Like for 3 days in a row, when getting random online readings, through generators, ect, I was given 4 death cards. A bit freaky. And then the other day, I had another psychic pull a card for me and it to was the death card. It was to much to be simply "new beginnings and changes" this was a clear cut warning. I just don't understand about what.
Before I went to sleep, I felt like something was off today. But before I had the spirit come to me, I feel asleep feeling the presence of God. It was weird. And I felt the same peace towards the end of my last dream. I think it's time to go to the cards and see if I can get some answers.
If I get any answers I will post them.

Dear God

Dear God,
   Did you ever sit up in heaven, before you created the earth, with a huge canvass in front of you and not knowing what you should create? Did you ever have a desire but not know really what that desire is, but yet feel compelled to fulfill it anyways?
   I don't know how you did it or how you continue to create the things you do.Each day I stand before an empty canvass and I just sit there trying to decide what to create. By the end of the day, I feel sad, because as the sun begins to set and the moon begins to rise, my canvass is still blank. I begin with a brushstroke here and another over there, just to rip the page off and try and start over again. How many times did you have to start over before you got it just right?
   Lord, I'm an artist without a vision, a painter with broken hands. All that is within my soul tries to find a way to be expressed, yet I have exhausted my passion .
    Did this ever happen to you in the middle of your creation? Did you wake up one day and realize that maybe you aren't a painter, but maybe something else?
     I feel clouded right now. So much emotion yet no thoughtful interpretation of all that is within.
Thank you for listening to me and for all the blessings you have brought to my family and I.
 



 

Why God Dousn't Answer Our Prayers

 If we bring God off the pedalstood for just a few moments and we look at him for who he truly is, he is our father. Now if you were a multimillionaire and had 5 kids, wouldn't you give your kids everything they need according to their needs? Say one is a drug-addict, would you give him the money? no, because you know that all you are doing is kiiling him, so instead you pay for 6 months in re-hab and a decent house to go to after he gets out, away from his friends so he has a chance to start over.
My point is that what you need and what the cancer patient needs are two different things. God works in mysterious ways and has a whole ton of people on his side working to help him fulfill what everyone needs. Now stay with me cause if I'm going to loose you, it will be here. There are two things I'm going to hit on, one is freewill and the second is soul desire. Many times God will try to help us and we put "stipulations" on him, so we say, ok God, I NEED money. God sees that you need the money for food so he brings someone your way to direct you to where to get some food or hand's you a gift card to Safeway. We are happy for the food, but soon the food will run out, so we tell God, I don't want the food, I need a job. The next day a friend takes you to lunch at McDonalds and there is a sign that says' Now hiring".  You blow the sign off because your a contracter not a cashier, but GOD knows that buissness is slow and this job help you pay your bills until the job you want opens up. Then we cry to God asking why we can't have a job. He brought us to the job but  WE chose not to take what he gave us. ( freewill)  You see what I mean? He did provide but our own will pretty much blew it.
  Sometimes we want help with something  and even though the end result is good,things have to get worse before they get better. Then we get mad at God for making us go through that, but because the world is the way it is and he has to get around everyone else's free will on top of it...it can be pretty tricky,
    Ok, sould desire. This one is a bit more complicated to explain. Our soul is the core of our being. We have thoughts and emotions ( things I call surface emotions) because these things run in layers. The soul often has it's own agenda and what manifests are usually the desires of the soul and not the desires of the mind and this is why therapy usually takes years,lol.
  For example your desire is to be rich and famous. You have your dream home and car already picked out. Going a little deeper , you really dont like the lifestyle of the rich and famous nor do you like standing up in front of a crowd of a hundred people. The reason why you don't like it is because you view these people as shallow and self-obsorbed. The reason why you don't like these people is because they  look down on people who are not in their same class of people and treat them as they are not worth the air they breathe. This reminds you of your dad and how he treated you when you didn't live up to his standards. This makes you angry and upset and you begin to realize that all you wanted  was to to feel respected and accepted. So your soul's desire dousn't want to be rich and famous, it just wants to to feel loved and accepted.
  This is another reason why prayers aren't answered in the way we invision, because out truest desires are the one's that manifest.This is the energy you send out to the universe, your core energy, and this is the energy that will be brought to you , but because it is deeper, we often don't realize what we send out. This is part of the reason why we attract the people and situations we do. So I am a tue believer that every prayer gets answered even when we don't realize we prayed for it,lol. 
  Now we gotta go into the "greater plan" . This plan is the plan that is set in motion that not even free will can counteract that grand scheme. Meaning if someone did something stupid that would cause a person to live or die, if part of the plan was keep them alive because they had a purpose later on, then the stupid action of the one individual will have little effect on what should have happend. These are usually what we call miracles, divine intervention , or whatever you choose to call them .Where the bullet was just millimtetrs from you and there was no way it could have missed, but somehow it did. This is because the freewill of the person shooting the gun was intercepted for the greater good. This could happen in many situations in life.
   The bottomline is, God, or whoever loves you, takes a personal interest in everyone and everything. We have the ability to choose how close or how far away we are from him. We are not a burden, we are no less worthy than the other because we are all his children. That might seems like alot of kids to care  but like I said before, he has alot of nannies on his side and he doesn't pick favorites.
  Every prayer is answered one way or the other, but are we accepting it?

The REAL Secret Of Life

April 17, 2010
When you walk the path of the soul, be very careful what you ask for,lol, because you will probably get it. Looking hindsight, I realized that most everything I asked for, i have gotten, but it was never easy. For a few months now, I have asked for the knowledge of who my "twin flame" is. I have asked for strength and unwavering faith. One that I had a long time ago, for some reason it seemed easier back then,lol, though the situation is so much more difficult then it is now. My panic attacks have gone from steadily growing to over the edge, this last week has been hell. Ans all I've really done is pray for God to take them away. The panic attacks strip every bit of life from me. Trying to grasp some bit of hope. i soon realized that I can't control everything. The things I want to control such as how long I'll live ect, is simply out of my control. During my darkest moments some things happend, my husband was there for me, with me and supported me. His compassion ans patience, he's my Angel and I realized how much I truly did love him. I realized how much I really do love life and I learned a very valuable lesson, appreciation. I saw my family in a different life and the things around me that seemed had a lot of importance, I was actually able to see the importance in that. But it's the littlest things, the simple things, my family, my health, my faith, my sanity, time, these are things that mean the most to me. These are the only real things that matter. I never realized how much I enjoyed laughter until that laughter was taken away. I never realized how close my family and I were until I was paralyzed from enjoying them. I never realized how deep my love was for my husband until I felt that I would loose him. I never realized how close God really was until I couldn't feel him anymore and he held me in my darkest hour. I never really appreciated my gifts until I lost them. Though the anxiety still runs through me, I'm learning again to lower the thresh hold by simply holding onto faith. I felt I lost everything, but faith is pushing me through the fear. I'm being shown how little tomorrow does mean, because tomorrow may not come, but I have today, so what am I going to do with it? I don't want to be paralyzed in fear about tomorrow, I want to embrace every moment i have now. I'm just now appreciating it, and I'm beginning to see that the big picture isn't so important, it's the little picture, the picture of my life and the people within it, that is all that matter's. It's not a contest of how many souls I can help, it's not about how famous a person can be, or what a fancy house they live in. It's not even about "finding your life purpose" it's about letting go and embracing the moment. What am I going to do with today? How will I make the most of today? How many time can I laugh? How can I show my appreciation to those around me, to God, to life? It's not about yesterday for yesterday is gone, nor is it about tomorrow, for tomorrow may never come, it's about today, it's about right now. Does this mean we should not have goals? of course not, it's visions of these that keep us going, but it's where we place the priority of these future things compared to the know. I often spent more time in the future and the past, that i never saw or even appreciated the moment of now. It's the present that makes the future and the past. What we do with the now, is what sets the presidency for both. Because of this, we don't need to worry about the past or the future, because what we do with today sets the course. When we live in today in joy and peace and happiness, this is what will set the course for everything else. And when we enjoy the simplicities of life, when we embrace the now, we live the life that we were meant to have. If life is a gift, then it shoud be revered as such. We can't control many things, but we can appreciate and show the appreciation to things that do matter the most. So what is the REAL secret of life?
1- Embracing the moment
2-Appreciation for our lives and all the things in it both great and small.
3- And Showing that appreciation.

So how do we show that appreciation?
by loving like we have never loved before
By making each moment count.

Finding My Life Purpose... Backwards

May 10, 2010
Ok, so I've done it all. I've read the books, I said the prayer's, I've taken the passion test, the empath test and every other test that has to do with who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I've meditated, contemplated, channeled, , begged, yelled, screamed and cried. I've fought the shadows and embraced the light trying to find out what is truly inside. The more I search, the more hopeless I become. Nothing seems to fulfill me. a constant circle of back and forth doing and seeing, seeking and finding to loose it all over again. I'm 36 years old and still no vision for my future.
I was outside today during my last break, It was windy and cold but I spend a lot of my break time connecting with nature and the Divine. I was out there again and asked "what am I supposed to do with my life?" How do I change things if I don't know what I want or know what I'm supposed to do. I guess I've been waiting for one of those life changing "ahah" moments where the planets align and all things are known. So my Angels asked me today, If you were on your way up to heaven and your life was through, would you leave this world satisfied, and feeling that you accomplished all that you wanted to accomplish, or would you leave this world with regret. I said that I would leave with regret. They asked me what I would do differently. I said that I would spend more quality time with my kids. I would be an author. I would help more people, to connect more with my spirituality.. How would you help more people? through writing books and the radio show. How would you spend more quality time with your kids? To have more fun, more laughs, more energy, to embrace my inner child and bring the magic back into our lives. To be care free. How would you connect spiritually? By being as dedicated to the craft as i was when i first started. Celebrating the holidays, to trust without reserve, to walk the path of mystics and to believe in miracles once again.
Hindsight is always 20/20, fortunately, I was able to see it before I got to the pearly gates. These three things are my truest heart's desires. The rest is still unwritten :)
If you ever want a greater perspective on your soul's truest desires, try this exercise. See your life as if it has already past.

Understanding the Dark Night of the Soul

I started this blog in the midst of some of my most darkest hours in my life. My journey began about 6 years ago when I was confronted with the dark side that I spent a lifetime running away from. I've battles this side many times now, this hopefully being the last. Looking hindsight, i think that these other times were prepareing me for the actual journey down this road. 
  It's not a journey that we choose, it's something that has already been chosen for us.It's destined.  Each person must go down this path . We may try to run or hide from it, we may ignore it or wish it away, but in time it will demand it's recognition. There is no escaping it because it is a part of us.  It's purpose is not to bring us down or to cause us harm. Though it is a very slow and pain painstakingly long  journey, it's purpose is to create balance between the dark and the light. To help gain a better understanding of ourselves, even the most hidden side.
 So, what is the Dark Night of the Soul? It's a period in our lives where we must go beyond the surface of ourselves and to dive in the deepest and darkest parts of our soul. This is where pain, sadness and self doubt have created their domain. This garden was created by all the seeds that we have tossed away and prayed would be forever forgotten. Though there is little light, these seeds grow by feeding off of the shadows within.
  When I started down the path of self discovery, it was because the shadows caught up to me and I had no place to run or hide anymore. There was only one direction I could go and that was inward. It was during this time where fear and panic ruled my every fiber. I couldn't live. I spent days crying and I had absolutely no idea why. I couldn't drive, work, or even take my kids to the park without having a major panic attack. Spirits taunted and laughed at me. My children cried with me. That was my changing point, to see the pain that my pain was causing my children, that day I made a decision. I wasn't going to be devoured by the darkness anymore. I knew I had to continue down the path in order to restore the peace and balance. I knew I had no choice but to clear away all of the past debrie, and so in the dark and all alone, i began to pull the weeds one by one.  I had to face the fears in order to know the truth of my fears and where they came from. I had to understand who I was and what it was that I was running from. With each weed I pulled, I held it tight. I felt the string of each emotion and each memeory it represented. I grieved. And when I was ready, I sent it to the light. Day by day, one by one.
   Most of the weeds are now gone and my garden, though still lives in the dark, there is now a small light that keeps the shadows at bay and allows my garden to grow the way it was meant to. It will never loose it's purpose, it will always take the unwanted seeds that we throw aside, and the seeds will continue to grow. But now we become keepers of the garden and we learn to honor and cherish this aspect of ourselves. We are no longer afraid of this side because we are now aware and connected to it's purpose.
   When we tend to our garden regularly we create balance within all aspects of ourselves for the garden will no longer be overgrown or out of control. We except this garden and cherish it just like the other gardens that we have and are no longer afraid for we are now connected. We understand that one garden is no greater than the other for they are all interconnected and bring us blessings in their own way. They are unique and different, yet special. When we honor the dark, we honor the light and therefore honor each and every aspect of ourselves.
 

Today is the last day of the dark moon and tomarrow begins a brand new month. The slate is before me, so what am I going to draw?
I did some research online AGAIN, about going back into doing the "phone psychic" thing, but my heart really isn't into it. I've done this before and it brought little to no joy to me. People spend alot of money on readings and not only do you have to be at being a psychic, you have to be able to bend your own rules "to make the customer happy". The type of readings I do are not "feel good" readings, they are meant to dive deeper within and to truly help. On the forums and when I had my show, this fulfilled me because for the most part it really did help people. It felt good, but I can't make a living if I don't charge, so there is a little problem here.
I do have a web-site and have only had 1 purchase fro a reading, which went very well and it was for a friend. This way seems to be more ethical and more "real". I don't want to be some fast food psychic who will promise the world by giving out common sense advice. It's just not me.

So I look at alternatives. I have gone to many sites that appear to be more successful and people flock to these like mad. Sure I could probably market this as well and make alot of money off of someone else's theories and thoughts, but I don't even believe in half the crap they teach, yet it's the "popular" way to spirituality and people are making a killing off of this, I can't do this, by ignoring my soul, i ignore who I am.
  I can't "sell a product" if i don't even believe it myself and I know this, yet, i have a hard time getting past the lifestyles of others.
   I know I need to make a decision and it's hard when different parts of my wants different things. I want what other people want and provide this to my family, but I won't sell my soul for it, nor would I intentionally cause harm to others.  But I need a vision, a direction. Most of the information given to me is free and I don't really feel i have the right to charge others for that, or to charge others for the use of my abilities, for this was given to me to keep and to use to God's highest will. I think the best thing for me to do is to tap into some of my other interests, such as writing stories and books and keeping everything else on a donation level.
I'm not sure what I should do at the momet but I do feel that I should just follow my heart and leave our finances up to God, he will provide what we need. i just need to take those steps forward and see where he takes it.
I think my goals for this month is to focus a little more time on my writing. I have a children's book that I sold to a web-site, but I got to keep all the rights. I think it's time to get ready and take my furry little friend to the market and spend a little more time connecting with God and maybe sharing this experience on youtube or something. I will also take this month to try and find a more concrete route in life and in my career path.

The Sacred Act of God

  Today is the dark moon and normally a time to take a break from our busy magickal cycles. For me, I've been taking a break for quite some time and feel that this is not the time to rest but harvest the power that has been lying dormant inside for so long. As the earth follows the cycle of the year, our lives also follow cycles, unfortunately it doesn't always follow the cycle of the earth, but the cycle within our selves.
  This last cycle has been dark and cold. The winter storms have been harsh as ice and snow fought to keep my soul frozen in regret, depression and fear. I often tell people to honor the winter's in our lives for they bring with them important lessons, but somehow I failed to do this myself. I spent so much time in the darkness that I forgot what it's like to walk in the light. My connection to God, to this earth and to all of it's beauty was lost.
  The whole time I never saw the purpose of this, why someone must walk among the dead when they are still alive. Barely alive, yet alive still. But some of the most difficult lessons are meant to be difficult, because without the dark we could not see the light. It's these times that force us to see the things we would not otherwise see and to make choices that we would not otherwise choose, to fix what we could never see was broken.
  On this dark moon I honor all the storms that threatened to destroy me over the past few years. I accept this as a gift from nature, from the one above, from the "All That Is", for through these trials I realize that I am alive, I am protected and I am powerful. I lost this when I lost touch with the sacredness of everything around me.
  I know my turning point, in fact I can pin-point the day, and something within me knew the consequences, yet I still made a choice. I was torn between obligation and and my own desires. I was on top of the world doing great things to help other's. I talked to Angels, working side by side to bring people the messages of hope and love, but somewhere along the way, I no longer looked at this gift as a gift but as a tool that denied me the same love and support that was given to other's. I didn't understand why I felt that way, all I knew is that I spent much of my life alone. Even when I was surrounded by several people, inside I walked my path alone. To be called to do such beautiful and sacred work, I allowed my own jealousy to get in the way. Though I understood the need of other's and I had no problems stepping up to help, all I really wanted was to feel that the same love and compassion that they sent through me to the other people, I wanted some of that for me to. The funny thing about being an Empath is that we can feel the extent of that love being shared to others and it's such a beautiful feeling, and feeling the love God so deeply over and over again and knowing that it wasn't for me but for the other person being helped, i felt so unloved, like i was nothing more than an old rusty hammer in a toolbox that was brought out everytime someone needed something and then thrown away again.
  It felt so wrong for who am I to demand anything from the God that provides everything. Yet, I became bitter. Not that I felt that I should get more, simply the same as everyone else, yet I felt like simply like a tool that was used and nothing else. Like I had a purpose, yet no significance, no individuality, like I was being used. The feeling felt wrong but the logic made perfect sense.
  He sent me 3 angels, 2 Archangels and my Guardian. I saw them and felt there love, and it was for me, noone else, yet I couldn't get passed my own self to truly see it. Things changed after that day. I lost something. I was blinded by my own pain that I no longer could see the light. Nothing felt sacred anymore. Again, I was alone. Everything spiritual has gone down hill ever since.
  We made a choice to move back to California. I knew it was the wrong choice but my husband needed to go back and try once again. This time we had a place to live and jobs, it should have seemed like heaven, but I was enveloped in darkness. It felt as God had taken his hand off of me and handed me over to the darker realms. I became suicidal and i called upon God so many times. Every time he sent more Angels to minister to me, yet it felt that they left as quickly as they came. I was drowning in despair. I have never been so low in my entire life. I knew other forces were playing upon my pain and this made me even more bitter and angry. 
  My gifts suddenly became my curse once again. I didn't have to walk in the shadows because the shadows came to me, beating me down with fear and depression. My weakest link was the spirit realm, my biggest curse was channeling the spirits of the dead, those who have chosen not to cross into the light, but to hide in the darkness being prey to the minions who weren't human. You never know what true hell is until you have experienced complete separation from God and live among the dark.
  My husband and I talked the other night about this. I ask him if I was responsible for all that has happened in my old town. When I was a teen, I played a game that involved astral projection and other metaphysical things. I was unaware of my abilities at that time, or at least unaware of what they were. I knew that this area had a type of spiritual nexus or portal. Little did I know at the time that we didn't open the portal, we WERE the portals. I'll go into this story another time. But I couldn't help but to feel that we opened a door there.
  I never really understood why the darkness always followed me. My first spiritual experience was when I was 5 and channeled my first spirit. The problem is that I had no idea I was doing it, until recently. this started me on my path and I felt like a target. Most mediums experience the lighter side of spirituality and the spirit realm, but since the beginning, I only experienced the dark. I know the evils  that dwell there and have fought it most of my life. They wait until I am at my most vulnerable point. It's difficult to explain without people thinking I'm completely nuts,lol. But he told me that my third eye was opened in the dark and I have spent so much time seeing the dark, that I need to return to the light and to open my eyes to the light. God doesn't need to show us anything because we are a part of him and were created to already know. But the darker forces, they want me to see them. They planted a seed in me many, many years ago and this is my greatest weakness. I know this to be true what he has said.
  I thought back on my life and how many times the Angels were actually there when I didn't notice. From the time of my first channel to the last night I played the game, to the multiple attacks in cali. By writing this blog now, I now see where I went wrong. I see why I became lost and now see what it is that I have actually lost. I have lost the connection to the sacred. Everything is sacred and yet I don't honor these things. They may not be sacred to other people, but these things are sacred to me. God looks at us as sacred, because he is sacred and we are his children, therefore making us sacred. We must honor not only God, but we must honor the things within us. I went through those trials because I made a choice to hang on to things that I knew would destroy me. It's not the emotions that did that, it was my unwillingness to let go and to make him prove to me his love. He has done this in so many way's, and only now have I figured this out. There is not ONE time that I can recall that he has not answered my call. Sure it may have not been what I was expecting, but he was there. This realization has allowed the ice and snow to melt around my heart and to see things as they truly are.
  As a Witch, As a Mystic, As a child of the Most High God, I honor the sacred love and understanding of God, I honor the gifts he has given to me and I am willing to dedicate my life to the work that God has chosen me to do. I honor the blessings that have been given to my family  and I honor the light within others as well as myself.

Breakfast With a Shaman

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I was out of town over the weekend for business. On Monday Morning, I was getting ready for work and flipped through the channels on the TV in my motel room and saw a woman televangelists which caught my attention. She talked about how the mouth speaks the truth from the heart. For instance when you get in a fight and say a whole bunch of things that you "didn't mean" yet there is part of you that truly felt that way?

We all have these moments which got me thinking. It brought back the debate on affirmations versus emotions, the Law of Attraction, and why it works for some and not others. My mind began to buzz with every question regarding this subject that could ever be asked. So I went outside to the patio area that overlooks a beautiful river.. I began to connect with the energy of the river and was soon filled with a quiet mind and much needed peace. . Water always seems to wash and cleanse my soul. Suddenly I saw a woman's body floating past me. I realized it was a vision and something bad had happened to this woman. Then I saw a young boy around the age of 5, in the river. The river had taken him during an accident. Immediately I saw several bodies began to float down stream and my peace was gone. For the first time, I saw and felt the dark side of the river and it made me ill. I didn't want to see it anymore so I went inside and got some breakfast. I was going to take it back to my room, but felt drawn to go back out to the river again. As I sat down , I heard a voice speak to me " Do not hate the river. Just as we take from nature, it must take back, but it duos not choose it's victims". I looked over and could sense 4 spirits sitting in the chair next to me, but only one spoke. He began to explain that there is balance in the universe. There is a light side and the dark side of everything, including within ourselves. He began to explain that the river represents our soul, our emotions and that it is very unpredictable. At times it is calm and peaceful, at other times it can be fierce and destructive. When a rainstorm hits, the waters begins to swell and can soon create a flash flood. I asked the shaman how we could control it.. He explained that we could not control the river. The river is our emotions, the rainstorm is our mind. It is the rainstorm that feeds the river. We learn, not to control it, but allow it to flow, and respect it. If it is a nice day outside and a rainstorm does come, you understand the potential dangers of the storm, so you prepare for it by moving away from the river. He showed me the little boy again, by allowing the river to consume you, you get swept away in the flood. I was a little confused at this point and then it was explained. Your mind is a mirror reflection of your emotions and it manifests those emotions into material things. "like attracts like". Meaning that you can attempt to say a whole bunch of things, but if you don't feel it, it's empty words. It won't manifest , because your emotions aren't there. This is why when someone jokingly says "I'm going to kill you". nothing manifests through that. This is also why affirmations only work for some people and not others. The Shaman went on to say that we should respect all aspects of our emotions, including the ones that we feel are negative. There is always balance. You cannot have just the light and ignore the dark, this will create an unbalance and possibly denial or repressed emotions. By respecting each emotion, when the rainstorm does hit, we are prepared. We know that we should not dabble to close to the river otherwise we could swept away and drown. Yet, we can allow it flow and take it's course so we are no fighting against it and allow it to continue to flow through and out of us. We prepare by simply knowing that this creates balance, we make choices on how we will respond to the storm which allows us to pass through the storm safely. I realized that thoughts do manifest, but only through the catalyst of our emotions, which is why when we are passionate about certain things, it will more likely to happen. It is not the mind, it the the emotion and will behind it. It is not the emotion that is bad, is it how we handle it. Do we respect it and allow it to run it's course and use it to create positive situations in our lives, or do we allow it to consume us? By understanding your emotions and knowing that this is where change truly begins, we are able to learn and grow, and are able to embrace both the blessings and hardships in life. We can create affirmations that truly work, for it comes directly from the heart. We change our thought process by coming up with ways to prepare for the storms. Many thanks to the Shamans in that area for their knowledge and wisdom.

What the Soul Desires

I forgot what I wrote on my last post, but I am taking some much needed quite time before the kids get up and get ready for school. Being that I homeschool now, my time is quite limited.
I wear so many hats and am torn between so many things that I often spend alot of time running around in circles trying to figure out my life purpose. So I often try to do several things all at once. I could literally come up with about 20 titles that would describe what I do, yet none of them really describes who I am.
I started  seriously researching psychic abilites about 6 years ago. It was then when I realized that I wasn't a freak of nature, but finally tapped into the one thing my soul had been running away from since childhood. Fate has a funny way of not allowing us to deny our true selves, no matter how much we try, or how many directions we go, it will always lead us back to our original path.
For awhile now, I have been torn. I have always wanted to have some type of career that made decent money and that made me feel that I have accomplished something. This desire has always pushed me to do more. I finally figured out what I wanted to do in life and the door closed on me several times. As with everything else, is has been a painful process. But as one door closes, another opens.
I have been doing psychic readings for awhile and I have noticed, like everything else in my life, that the fire burns out pretty quick and it becomes routine. I spent alot of time trying to break into the field professionally, and I know that the only thing stopping me is me. I enjoy helping people and have focused most of time on missing people. I don't feel like it is right to be like one of these "big-wig" psychics and charge $1,000.00 an hour for a reading that I can't guarentee will even help them. It just seems wrong to me and takes away the passion for what I do. I enjoy helping people and I know my life purpose revolves around this, but it's difficult when , in the back of my mind I want to be able to make a living. I know it's more then just a money thing, it's a soul thing.
I think part of my problem is the lack of passion. Though the passion still burns, it has simmered down a great deal. I feel a bit detached and ungrounded. I have been focusing my sights on a more spiritual path and who I am as a spiritual being, which has seem to have added to the confusion. Like a pattern of behaviour I always seem to have followed, but this time, the soul won't let me stop. There is so many things within myself, I can't focus on just one thing, it's like I have to do it all, and do it now. I became an ordained minister so that I could properly and legally give spiritual advice, but then it brought on an expectation of being a spiritual leader. I am torn by what the titile represents and obligation, versus the reason I got it to begin with. I'm beginning to understand that I am living to much under the labels and have fogotten how to simply allow things to flow. I think this goes back to feeling to need to accomplish a career, which is why I always feel torn.
I will probebly have more blogs like this, simply because it helps me figure things out. One of the greatest moments I have has that created balance between my gifts and spirituality is the time that I had breakfast with a Shaman. There is a blog about it on my web-site and will probebly re-post it here
I know that I will figure it out and will get back to where I need to be.

Posted by Mystic Angel

A Soul's Journey

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Today's been a yucky rainy day which always seems to get me down but always brings an opportunity for some introversion (hmmm, is that even a word?,lol). Usually when I get things down on paper it seems to give me more clarity. Today is one of those days when I think I could use all the clarity I could get.
  I spend alot of time analyzing my life. As each day goes by, I get older and I feel that if I spend to much time thinking I will run out of time to actually do the things I want to do. But my biggest problem is really deciding what it is that I want to do with my life. I see where this road has brought me and it has been a very long journey. I look at my life on where it is and where I invisioned I would be at this point in life, and it dousn't quite measure up. I think I followed in my dad's footsteps. My dad spent his entire life working towards one thing after another and putting so much energy into things just to watch it fall apart right in front of him. Sometimes, I think that the dreams only live within our imaginations and are not meant to be accomplished.
     My heart bleeds for my dad because I know the sting of failure. I know that his dreams are now dependent on me accomplishing what he could not, but I don't know if I can, for I have spent a lifetime with the same problem...failure and self-sabotage. The demons that seem to pass down from each generation have finally caught up to me and I see it seeping down into my children. The most dangerous kind , the kind that eats at the soul until there is nothing left but a shell.
  I've spent an entire lifetime running, running from what I really didn't know at the time. I know realize that I run from everything I fear.Ironically, people would tell me that I was the strongest person they knew, little did they know that I am afraid of everything. My strength didn't come from my ability to defeat the unknown but rather to hide behind the fortress of steel that I have been building since childhood.
   Five years back, I decided that it was time to tear the wall down and the floodgates , years  of repressed emotions, finally overcame and I have been drowning ever since. Instead of trampeling over everything life throws at me, I now cower in the corner like a small child waiting for the storm to pass.The wall is completely down and I have nowhere left to run and hide. I feel lost and I am faced with the truth  of that which is inside. How do you conquer something you can't see? How do you defeat yourself?
     Not all of it has been a curse, however. I understand who I am now. I understand my gifts are the greater purpose behind my exsistance. I'm beginning to understand that I may not be the person I always envisioned but I am the person I was created to be and all of the gifts I possess are simply manifestation of who I am deep inside. This is what we all manifest. It's not how much money we have or if we become employee of the month, president of the whatever, none of this matter's. We're no here on a life journey, but rather a soul journey. It seems like a very simple revelation, but when you truly find the strength to travel to the depths of the soul, it will seem like the coldest place in your entire being, the darkest space filled with pain and suffering but this is the core essence of who we are, and this is where our beauty truly shines and where our purpose lyes for everyone.And this is the only thing that matter's.

Posted by Mystic Angel

First Post

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

First Blog

WHOOHOO! This is my FIRST blog on Blogger and am so excited to be here. I actually signed up for the account a little while back but couldn't figure out how to change the template and I hated this one, so I ditched the blog and moved on to bigger and better things like YOUTUBE.
 See, not only am I a Psychic but I am also a DREAMER and have spent a lifetime chasing those dreams. I realized when I was younger that in order to make those dreams come true I'm going to have to work hard at it. The problem is is that working hard doesn't always pan out the way we would like, but that's ok because one great man invented the internet and no matter how lame my videos are or how stupid my blogs can get , I will always be a world famous psychic and dreamer..OK maybe not famous, but definitely worldwide.
    Oh yeah, back to YOUTUBE. So I started off as a talk show for Mystic Realm on Blog Talk Radio, but alot of things happened and I had to stop it for awhile. I recently decided to go back into and I get a message a day later telling me I have to pay if I still want my hour show. If not, then I get a 30 minute show at like midnight!! C'mon, who's going to want a FREE PSYCHIC READING at midnight!! So anyway's, i revamped my web-site and decided to go to Livestream. I wanted to start a show on Missing Children. As a psychic for the group FIND ME, this has inspired me to get more involved. So I spent 3 hours trying to make the show, but every 2 or so minutes the software would go kupooi on me and I was left with several 2-5 minute features on these children. So I chucked the whole idea out the window thinking that the universe had other plans, so I went to YOUTUBE and started my show there. The only thing is, is that instead of doing a show on missing children, I never really settled on a show , so my show, which should be labeled, the "Psychotic Ramblings of a Psychic" is now a bunch of random stuff.
    Looking back, my whole life is about random stuff, there is nothing consistent about me to include my eye color, hair color, skin color, ( you can't see it in the pic, but I have alot of red in my pale skin) and even my spitituality is all over the place. So I figured my blog should be under the same uniformed format.
     I can't promise what will be on here from day to day, sometimes I'm in "psychic mode" other times I'm in "haunted mode"  and other times the light begins to shine and I am in 'enlightened mode". But whatever mode I am in for the day, I can promise that nothing on this blog will ever be consistent.  But maybe I will add an Angel Message to each blog, so even when I'm in a "rambling about nothing mood" there can still be something to it.
   " Ok, ladies and Gent's , today's message is : Spend some time with a good laugh today. Laughter lightens the heart and lifts the mood.
   One suggestion would be to look up " face exercises on YOUTUBE. Seriously, you'll be laughing all day and may even get your boss to laugh a little , which is ALWAYS a good thing.

Blessed Be,
Mystic Angel

My Take On the Ascention

My views of the ascension or rapture or whatever you choose to call it, for me has changed. Most people believe that we will eventually hit a state of perfection in which time we will stay in heaven or "Utopia" for ever. For me, it seems to be a continious cycle of being born, living, dying and then choosing. this is where it get's complicated. Since i was raised christian, i still hold some of the christian beliefs, but in different way's. I think when we die we choose to cross over or stay "earth-bound" , meaning we are not ready to restart "the cycle". When we stay earthbound, we are seperated from the light because we have choosen not to go where we are supposed to and this has alot to do with attachments, lack of closure, or whatever, it vary's depending on that person's choice. If this person chooses to stay, they are no longer protected under the higher realm and will remain in this state until they are ready to cross over. when they finally do cross over, i think they have more choices. Like they stay in the light or heaven, whatever maybe even a state of limbo for awhile until they choose to come back. some will come back immedietly, some will wait for soul families and other's will come back as guides to pass on the knowledge thet they have learned thus far, ect. Then the cycle repeats it'sself, but no cycle or situation is ever the same because things are always changing even the evolution of the soul. We were born with the need to constantly change and to learn and to grow and i don't think this will ever end, whether it be here on earth or utopia. I don't think there is such as thing as perfection because we will always have our human nature and will never gain the same status as our creator. Who's to say the "All" isn't growing and learning as well, experiencing new things, ect. and maybe the meaning for perfection is simply getting to a state of love , cmpassion, forgiveness and balance, being able to tame the darkness and shedding the desire for earthly things? I know it sounds crazy, but i gusees for me, the thought of perfection or everyone living in heaven or utopia as perfect beings only signifies and end, because once that is complete, then what, we sit up there being happy and perfect? we stop learning. When we get to the point of where we stop evolving and we go as far as we can, then our mission is complete and this marks the end, but since the soul never dies, it must change, where, into the "collective? We are to individual for that, we are goverened by free will, we're not Borg's from Star Trak, we're individuals. many will disagree, and that's ok, because nobody knows for certain anyway's. Some say we will know when we get there, but this cycle has been repeated so many times and we still don't know. Maybe there is no end, maybe when we are finally done, it's because we choose not to learn anymore. who know's, if there is no time in the afterlife or up above, who's to say we don't continuiously ascend and decend? Maybe we are given this pass to ascend above because we have choosen the path of the light and we learn from above and below. I do believe in a supreme being, i always will, but i'm now discovering the depth of free will and how it dousn't get taken away when we loose our earthly bodies. My point is is that i don't believe the cycle of learning , discovering and growing ever stops. And time dousn't exsist in this state of heaven, then it's easy to see the past, present and future as a contunious thing, and forever is infinatly, because those wrods describe time and there is no time. I think our ability to descend has very little to do with judgement and more of a choice, because if God, or the higher being knows love, is love and light , then he will have full understanding of our human nature and i think he allows us to choose the love and light or the darkness and when we are ready then we can go "to the light". if this makes any sense. Everything is engineered and already programmed within our souls, and our souls know the duality, it's part of our make-up, we have an intimate understanding of each side, but much of it is hidden and lost within our conscious minds when we are born. But the bottomline is "we choose", i know some believe in Christ as God's son and some believe he was a great prophet, whatever your personal belief is, he states that the kingdom of heaven in not above, but within, and if you look at the teachings of many other prophets and guru's, spiritually "enlightened" they will tell you the same thing, so heaven and hell may not be a physical place but more of a place of being. I still believe there are different spiritual dimentions because we can barely co-exsist on earth,lol, but i think we walk in between the veils, hell even now some of do it, which means we are are capable of it, so who's to say we won't be able to cross those veils when our bodies no longer exsist? again, this is where the "passes" are given, like your heart or soul has to be in a certain place before veil or door can be opened. it's complicated but instead of looking at it like school and each dimension is higher and higher to utopia, i look at it as a cooridor with a million doors and when we learn certain things we are handed the key to that door and are allowed access to it. other's are off limits until we find the other key's because we may not be ready to enter it. and i've rambeled on forever, however, i don't claim this to be " truth" but it's my truth and your job is to find your own spiritual truth , this is simply an opinion. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to enlightenment where ever that journey takes you

RE: Context of a Spiritual Message

Here is a responce that I gave on one of my forums in regards to the context of a spiritual message.

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I'm a little confused by the question myself.. sorry hun, but if your looking in regards to readings and if there is a specific format to how spirit communicates. If this is the case, Spirit will communicate differently in each reading and no two readings will be alike unless you tell spirit you need a specific format in order to understand it, and even then it may veer from that,lol. Here's what I do, I will usually connect to spirit and simply receive whatever information I get. If i get something that feel's important, then i will focus my attention on that one area to get more information. Sometimes it's quite clear and sometimes it's not, but you will go as far as you feel comfortable going. Let me see if I can explain this. Human emotions are like an onion and there are layers of it. When a reader dous a reading, they often pick up the energy on the outer layer of emotion. This is usually the easiest layer to get to because it is already exposed, and though it may expose some tramtic things or even great things about the person's life, it's usually a more generalization.This is where the alot of reader's get stuck. They often pick up this information and get caught up on the amazement of the person being reading that the focus of the reading is often lost. Sure the client is in awe and may even be happy to have someone "know" these things, but what they usually come for is some guidance and help which is often "forgotten". Spirit dousn't usually work on the first layer other then to help you sift through what area needs the most focus. For a professional this can be difficult because the client may have a simple question and you may pick up on other things. I'll come back to this. But anyway's, spirit usually guides you to where the person truly needs the message or guidance, which is usually at the core of the soul. After revealing the first layer, they are more likely to open up and allow you to get to the deeper layers. This is usually targeted in the area's that will matter most to the soul, such as love, feelings of inadequacy, and deeper-rooted experiences and emotions that may be the block for all areas of their life. How far you go will mostly depend on how far spirit wants you to go, or how far you want to go. Alot of reader's may not want to go that deep, but in order to truly help them and deliver the messages from spirit that they need, this is necessary. Sometimes you will find some resistance from the client, but usually once you hit this point, they want you to keep going, because their is usually a desire to heal. At this point, the emotions may come rushing out and they will spill everything. The whole point of the reading and the help they get may simply be halping them to unlock this part of themselves and listening to them while helping them through it. Usually, they will get a a certain point and stop, spirit will usually intervene at this part to give them their message which is often very simple, basic, loving and encouraging. These are the readings that matter and these are the readings that change people's lives. This works well with cold or general readings. For people who have a specific question, it's a bit easier to sift through these layer's, unless spirit has another agenda. you pretty much set the tone for every reading. If you are in a hurry , your mind isn't focused on helping, it's focused on a time limit which will effect your reading. If your sole purpose is to help , it will be easy to go through the layers and it will be like reading an open book. You won't please everyone, but that's ok, they may simply not be willing to deal with these things right now. Most people will go see a professional psychic because they want validation for their feelings. If they have their hopes on building a successful buisness and you see it crash and burn, they may not be willing to hear this or tell you you suck because they don't want to believe that they might fail. Again, this is really touchy about relationships. This is where your sensitivity and support can really help them for when they do come back validate your reading. anyway's i'm rambeling now,lol. but when giving messages from spirit, you have to willing to be flexable, to go into deeper territory of the soul and have the sole desire and focus of delivering that message in order for the reading to unfold the way it was intended. This may require you, often require you to travel past your own comfort level and discover the darker area's of your own soul . You will hit area's that are uncomfortable, see things that may make the average person's skin crawl, but this is the soul. By opening up your own soul to spirit, this will allow you to reach the souls of other's, and this is the core of having this ability and where real healing comes from. I hope this helps, but if i didn't answer your question, please feel free to ask
Blessed Be,
Angel