The Bigger Picture

As I continue down the path of self-discovery, I'm becoming more aware that the harder I search for answers in life, the less I find. If there is one thing I have learned is that I am a walking contridiction, I always have been. My heart seems to be on it's own frequency, as my mind and my soul, and when I say it's own frequency, i mean literally, each aspect having it's own agenda. Whichever screams the loudest is where I usually focus my attention on. The inner conflict feels to be never-ending. It's funny because I see so many people preaching about inner peace, balance and something about the cosmo's, yet when I read the books and do the meditations, though some questions are answered, it still dousn't leave me any closer to what my life purpose is. I've come to the conclusion a long time again that maybe our life pupose isn't something destined from someone greater than ourselves, well maybe partly, but we are never handed an instruction book telling us, "you are destined to be the worst first rodeo clown priest, you will not only make people laugh but you will also offer up confession before they ride the bull just in case you can't get the bull away from the rider". Life dousn't work like that. I am beginning to understand that we are with some natural born talents and gifts, along with a whole array of interests and passions, which serves as our guidebook for we also have a natural desire to follow the things that fulfill us.
We are driven down our destined path through our own needs, wants and desires. Sometimes it's more of an instant gratification and other times, it's things that are deeply seeded in our souls, which usually the instant gratification is merely a symptom of this. For me my soul always seems to cry out in pain for reasons that never seem to really make sence to me. Often i feel like I'm walking in circles and accomplishing nothing, yet when i look back, I realize that no matter how many times I walk the circle, the circle is never the same. The people are different. Some are still there when I come back around and other's have moved on to their own circles. The siuations always change, yet i always seem to grieve the loss, yet, I feel driven to continue waking and exploring new things.
The chapters in my life are many, and though some of those chapters make me physically sick, there is always something worth holding on to or to at least look back and see the worth in it all. The worst relationships I have ever been in produced the greatest gifts I will ever have, my children. I was also blessed with 2 father's who can't seem to get past themselves enough to even care for these children, and when I actually look at the situation, again I was provided with people that would allow me to move forward and not get stuck having to handle an undesirable situation. Though there is a huge part of me that focuses on merely the injustice of it all, deep down inside, i know their irrisponsibility is my gain. It's unleashed a stregnth in myself  that I never knew exsisted and has given me the freedom to make the choices I feel are best for them. It has allowed me to teach my children who to keep in their lives and who is poison and needs to be gone. I'm beginning to see a greater picture in the whole incident and that maybe their irresponsibility may have caused some harm but in turn has allowed me full reign to protect them from those people. Again, the contridiction.
Maybe I have underestimated my ability to see all sides of things which has given me a deeper understanding of compassion towards those I may not have otherwise spent my time with.
If there is one thing I hope to accomplish while I am on this planet, is to help make a change. The reason why I began this path to begin with  is because I wanted to be one of the one's who have come here to help heal the people on this earth, not hurt or hinder.   It's taken many years of heartache and pain to help me realize what my soul already knew. I am here for a greater purpose, we all are and that purpose usually runs alot deeper than a million dollar home in Pacific Grove . That purpose runs deeper than anyone can imagine and it's stored within the depths of our soul.Profound yet so simple, but once we discover our true purpose, it is lifechanging. So how do we discover it? Through alot of soul searching, our willingness to dive deep into the shadows of the soul and ability to let go and see the truth as it was meant to be seen. This often requires setting our fears and ego's aside and being able to discover the blessings within the storm. By accepting the possibility that if things would have turned out the way you  imagined, you may have missed everything. We can't look at our purpose from the outside, because it's not there, it's within us. We are given a million paths to choose from, and the greater picture is merely the knoweldge of knowing that no matter which path you choose, it is your purpose and all the path's will eventually lead you to the same place.

Temple of the Soul - Part 1

A friend gave me a wish today, as many as I wanted. All the stars in the world to make my wish upon. I began to wish for many things, well, not really wishes , mostly asking questions about different things. My questions soon moved into more sacred areas of my heart and I began to wonder why I can't move on. I thought back to a conversation my husband and I had last weekend,mostlyabout basing my importance on inner things and not outer things, for it's the other things that do not matter. I often suffer from "failure syndrome". It began in my teens where I just figured I would do something with my life, and as the doors began to close on different careers, so did my self-worth. In the end, I just kind of assumed that my life really wasn't worth anything. If I died tomorrow, my husband would move on and find someone else, the kids would have someone else to take care of them, and eventually move on. If the show ended, there would be other show's, other angel reader's, ect. So the question is, how important is my life really? Long story short, he said that this was true, but someone else would not replace how he felt about me in his heart, no one else would be the kids' mother, ect. If I went to school and got some fancy job making the mega bucks, if I left , they would find someone else, probably within a few days. A job is a job, but my family, my show, the people I help, that means something. Everyone has their own unique gifts, no one person can replace that, do it the same. So I been thinking about that, how I place importance on other people's lives, but I place no importance on my own. So he told me that I needed to put some stock into me, stop looking at what I didn't accomplish, and see what I have. Today, I took a trip into the past. I entered the gates of one of the most sacred places in my heart.My curse, yet blessed place. I began to ponder why I always came back to this. why can't i move on. I began to contemplate about my research on the soul.All the many different aspects of it. I often envisioned a path with many forks, our choices. But yet, even though each path has it's hurdles, it all leads to the same place. Yet, I'm not really headed to one place. In fact I feel that I am constantly wandering around, searching for something, though not sure of what. I have had several theories, but yet, i still had a difficult time understanding it all. Then, must have been my angels,lol, out of the blue, I thought of Indiana Jones and the temple of doom. It all made sense. Hang on, I'll get to the point :) I have a passion for not pain, but for intense emotions, because intense emotions are always filled with passion. So I have a passion for passion. Now throw in the temple of doom and the constant state of mystery and what do you have? The soul. Our soul is like the temple of doom. The temple is full of mystery and surprise around every corner and behind every door. Thousands of little crevasses that lead us to new worlds or dead ends.Booby trapped rooms guarding the treasure rooms. As we begin to travel into the temple there are so many ways we can travel. Take your pick of rooms and tunnels. Through our thoughts, emotions and spirit we begin to create more rooms. We are constantly searching through these different rooms. Each aspect, (the heart, spirit, mind and body) has been creating these rooms since we first began to exists and continues to be built through our experiences. This is why some rooms are beautiful and maintained and other's are dark and cold. Because we are energy beings, meaning that every single thought, every single emotions, every action energy is sent out and over time begins to grow. So when every time we go into a room, we leave and energy imprint, per sey in that room. We plant seeds. Each room also has a treasure in it. Some rooms are filled with booby traps, so we must either find the treasure and move on, or we leave the room with a constant desire to keep going back and try to look for it again. We are never satisfied until we find it. Some rooms lead us to other places, and so we feel the need to stay and build upon it. Some people will spend most of the lives in that room, building, sowing seeds and reaping the treasures of that room. Most of us keep wandering, searching room to room and when we find what we seek or simply move on, we are never completely satisfied and have to keep searching for more. Ok, now that we know these rooms are constantly being built and changing, and some are like the broom closet lying dormant for a time, let's go back to the energy beings part. Every time we step into a room, it will change because when we contemplate, or heal, or build upon, our thought and emotions have also changed, therefore we send that energy into that room. These seeds or energy we fill in that room will eventually sprout and grow. These seeds are the seeds of the future, When we spend a little time sowing these seeds, they will have a better chance of thriving and will begin to manifest in the future. We can also do this in our past, by going back to the rooms that hold our past. When we begin to work through the issues, spend alittlevesa, which also has an impact on our souls. When we clean out the closet of skeletons, we bring life back into that room. We discharge all of the booby traps to find the hidden treasure within. And the process continues over and over again. This is at least my understanding on how time duos not really exists, except to our bodies. When people talk about co-creating and being able to create your own life and realities, i think this is what they are talking about. I hope this makes sense,lol. It's pretty complicated to put into words. This is how we heal from the past, this is how we manifest our future, bu the seeds we sow in our present, because our present will be past tomorrow as well as future. Anyways thought this was cool. Hoe you like it :)

Temple of the Soul- Part 2

I wanted to take this post a little further and try to clarify a little better, What's it about ? energy. How profound and how powerful human beings truely are. People often ponder the ability to time travel. We often say, If I could redo the past, I would have done that, ect. When Jesus said that all things are possible, it is true. We were made of Divine energy. That energy resides within us. Like haveing children, when we have children, we pass our genes down to them, our fingerprints, per sey, and they are made from us, so they have a part of us within them always, whether we or they like it or not. Our energy also leaves a finger print upon this earth, on other people and on life. This has been proven through paranormal investigators who have found certain hauntings where the energy plays over and over again even though the spirit itself is gone. So every thought, and emotions are like spreading these little particuls of energy around. When we are in our present, those thoughts and emotions will set the presedence for the future whether possitive or negative. When thoughts, emotions, spiritual energy and physical energy all work together, then more energy is used to create, whether positive or negative. When we take a look at our present, we are actually paveing the way of our future whether consciously or unconsciously. Most people already know this though. But if this is true, then we can actually go into our past and change our past in the future. People usually go into their past, these rooms with lots of skeltons and cob webs. Sometimes we clean them out and other times we leave it alone. But we often are forced to go back because of the energy that we carry with us even when we are not in the room. When we go into the rooms of our past, the energy we leave changes it, but we also recieve energy, so some of that energy comes back out with us. We are ususally unsatisfied with those rooms until it has been at least cleaned up a bit and some things are resolved. Now takeing this a step further, because most of our more painful past memories or happiest memories are shared with other people, then we are no longer alone in this room, in this memory. The people we shared that memory with also revist that room, so their energy will often linger in their to. Now we can't make people go in there to clean up their own mess, it just won't happen. But if we begin to clear out the cob-webs and plant the seeds of understanding, forgiveness, ect, then when they enter the room, that energy also goes with them when they leave the room. I'm actually talking on a more literal scale. Now most of these people are part of our "soul families" and they often travel with us from life to life. So with some of these joining rooms "memories" as we begin to work through our issues and instill healing and renewal in that room, we are literally changeing the past, which in turn, will also change our future because these people travel with us.We will join together in another time. Everytime they enter into their own memory that they share with you, your energy leaves more and more imprints on that memory. So in a few lifetimes, that memory no longer exsists because you have changed and renewed it.This energy , this new energy is now planted within the other person as well, for they take it with them, and the seeds are sown in their soul, which over time, manifests in their own thoughts, emotions , spiritual and physical realms. So it is possible for us to change our past. We may not see the immediate results, but by changeing the past, we are renewing our future in other lives. This kinda takes away the theory of karma, because we are not paying back what we owe, we are makeing a choice to "remodel" the room. So everytime that you go in the room or they go in the room, each of you takes a piece of that energy with you, and if it's done with love and healing, this is how we begin to heal the future with this person. This can't be done in one lifetime, for growth can be slow, but over time, it is possible for all people involved to heal and rebuild to something greater. In the spirit realm, time means nothing, for the past present and future are all intertwined, this is the best way I can come up with to understand the concept of time. However, just as energy healer's can send out energy to a specific person and create a physical healing over a period of time, the same can be done for ourselves and the people involved. By renewing that memory and comeing to a place of understanding, we not only create healing for us so we can move on, we are also createing healing for the other people everytime that walk back into that memory. Each time they sit around and think about it, the memory will be changed. Therefore creating healing of the past in the present time, and changing that past in the future. The bottom line is that we can literally go back in time and "undo" or change our past. It's a slower route, but those seeds are planted in the future with the people involved and allowing us to "do it all over again". And since everything will be different again, then when we do it all over again, the situation will also be different. You will have changed and so will that person. And this is why it is so important to walk in the light. When we walk in the light, whether we do it intentionally or unintentionally, we spead that light to everyone involved in our lives, not only for our present and future but for the past as well. We will never be able to walk the same path from the past, because that past is an imprint of energy and that renewed energy is also a part of our future and will dictate how our future will be set. The people involved are also a part of our future. Anyway's witht his understanding, at least for myself, and I swear I'm not crazy, answers an important question for me, why do i keep going back to this room? Why can't i get passed this person. It's because this past room, this person is my future and I have done very little or nothing to it. I left is mostly dormant and have done little or nothing to change it. And everytime he goes into that room, he to has done little or nothing to the room, so things remain the same. So when we join up again in the future, things will be the same. And since this romm is a part of the temple, a part of our soul, we carry it with us from life to life. Jesus said that the kingdom of Heaven is within. So it also makes me wonder if we are called to rebuild the temple to it's highest form, each room, each aspect. And if the kingdom of heaven is within, then the kingdom of heaven is us. We make the kingdom, and when each temple is fully built, then we can join with the castle, per sey, up in the cosmos or heaven or whatever. Then we can join with our creator. I know this sounds completely insane, but it makes so much sence to me now, and i now the the importance of needing to make those changes, the need to continue forward and how unique an important each person is, includeing myself. It's not just me, it will never be just me, but because I share so many of those rooms with so many other people, I have an obligation to them and myself to create and build that room to it's highest potential. If I am to heal other's, I heal them by healing that room, because their soul is connected to my own, literally. Just as I connect with a person while doing a reading. Many people will go but some will stay. But their energy will always stay, as mine will always stay with them, so do I plant roses or weeds? There is no guarentee how the weeds will grow, nor is there a guarentee that they will pull the weeds. and if this is the case, then I have to be more conscious to plant the roses to help them grow, as to not help plant weeds that may assist in destroying them There is alot more responsibilty in this understanding. Yet, because our spirit is the energy or essance of the Divine, we are all called to do this and the spirit has a way of reminding us of this. This is why my life is important, this is why your life is important. We are building what we all invision, one soul at a time.

The Power Of Courage

Since we've been back life has been like a roller coaster. Many up's and down's, the love and enjoying the beauty, to real life and trying to find a job. Last week I was finally offered a job and I will begin Monday. I was so high (emotionally, no drugs,lol) that nothing could bring me down. I dropped my husband off a couple of days ago and that's when it began. Within a matter of seconds, I looked at the road and I realized how real the road was. I know it sounds stupid, but, by mind went blank and all I could focus on was how long the road was and I became afraid. It got worse over the next few days and my I started having really bad panic attacks again. I made a promise a long time ago that I would never let it get that far again and yesterday I was at that point. The worst part about it was I was so disappointed in myself for being so weak. It paralysed me. I couldn't even drive home, so I went back to my husband's work and waited for him to go to lunch so could take me home. I cried alot, I felt so weak weak and embarrassed of my weakness. I started calming down when everyone got home. and finally completely calmed down right before bed and prayed that they would take this away. When I woke up, I felt a little better. But then my mind started up all over thinking, analysing, trying to figure things out and in turn making feel panicky all over again. I had my husband take the car this morning and I walked the kids to school. It was nice but I was still panicky and afraid that I would have yet another day of hell. If anyone has had panic attacks you know well of the hell you go through of feeling overstimulated and feel like impending doom is waiting around every corner. I dropped the kids off and wanting nothing more than for this feeling to go away. I heard a little voice that told me to stop talking to myself and talk to them. It was my guardian angel. I told her the frustration and how badly I just wanted to live again. I want to be happy, but the wall always protected me from this and I want that back, but I don;t want to be detached again.Then I heard one single gentle word "courage". This was the answer.Not facing my fears, not analysing to death about my fears, but to simply have the courage to keep walking. The courage to embrace whatever it is my heart desires. I realized that this was the thing I was missing. I have been asking for my inner strength back and this is what inner strength is, at least the strength I was looking for. The battle with the wall is that I felt strong, I could handle anything. But when the wall came down, i have been searching for that strength again. I realized that the strength i seek is simply courage. Courage is the missing piece I needed , it is the foundation of what I want my life built upon.

Understanding The Purpose of Life

Last night, I was again searching the internet. I was looking into more
information and classes on mediumship. Again, I was left a little
disheartened and confused about it all. The whole picture,, what my life
purpose is, ect. Before I went to sleep, they told me that I was going
to teach. Ironically, earlier that day, I had the same realization. I
was picking my kids up from school and I saw a young girl outside with
her teacher. The girl had downs syndrome and was kind just sitting
there off in her own little world. The teacher sees dad car pull up
and reaches her hand, 'let's go"! she said to the girl. It took a
minute for the girl to see the teacher's hand. She finally grabbed her
hand and the teacher pulled her and walked her to the car. Though her
actions said very little her tone of voice and lack on interest
screamed at me. The father get's the child in the car, and the teacher
hands him the child backpack, walks away, " I'll see you tomorrow"
like.. whatever, thank God your leaving. There was no connection
between the child and teacher at all. Anyways before I get on a
tangine about how the teacher seemed so insensitive,lol, the thought
came to me to teach. I've thought about before, not through regular
achool, I have tried that route and the doors closed each time, but
like spiritually speaking. Spiritual classes, ect. Which later led me
to look for mediumship classes and become frustrated because there is
so much to learn before you can teach, and it all cost's money.
Anyways, I decided to stop off at one of the beaches after I dropped
my husband off at work. The beach I went to actually sets on top of
huge sand dunes and on top it was the most beautiful view. It also has
the largest and strongest waves in the bay. So I sat in the car taking
in all of the beauty, and connecting to the ocean. One of my favorite
activies,lol. So i asked my Angels what my purpose in life was. I know
that out "big purpose" is to connect with God and each other, but what
about my individual purpose. So I noticed the close connection I had
with the water, each wave that pounded down, each bird that flew across
in front of me, I felt it, I knew it, I was ONE with it. The Angels
began to explain that our purpose in love is to achieve 'ONENESS'. I've
heard that term before but it seemed so vast, it could mean a million
things. So i kept having for clarification. I must be one exhausting
human to work with,lol. But in their loving patience, they explained.
(For this post I'm going to use the word God because that is what I
usually call him, but if you are of different belief, you can use any
word you like).So what is true oneness? Connection. Our purpose, to
connect with each aspect of life, the universe, and God and to work
towards bringing those aspects to it's highest l potential through
love. Because we were all created by the same creator and we are
created with his love, his energy, his essence, that makes us all
connected. But everything usually starts out raw, the most basic form.
Our purpose is to connect with it, work with it and help evolve it to
it's greatest purpose.By doing this, they in turn help us to evolve and
grow to our highest potential. They used an analogy of a farmer and his
field. A farmer looks at that field and sees the potential for many
crops. The farmer goes out there day after day, working the land,
planting the seeds. Soon his energy connects with the land. They are
now working together for a common goal. Soon the crops mature and gives
back to him, If he breaks the connection with the land, the crops will
suffer and will not reach their highest potential, which is to feed him
and his family, and in turn his family goes hungry. There are so many
different aspects of life. And our sole purpose is to connect with each
aspect and work towards evolving it from raw land to a prosperous
field. Still alittle confused on the aspect as a whole, they showed my
the garden of Eden. The garden is the most simple yet detailed account
of what oneness truly is. This is truly the most evolved form of
oneness and was probably shown to us so we can work and evolve to that
point. So I asked, if that is the case, and we already had it then why
did God add the tree of knowledge and why do we have to go through all
of this? Because the tree of knowledge was not evil, it represents all
knowledge. Knowledge is the starting point for growth. Knowledge is not
biased against light and dark. In fact, more often than not, most
people find the true light in the midst of darkness. Eve made a choice
because she was not complete, nor was Adam. If they were a complete
soul, they to would have this knowledge and would have felt no reason
to eat from the tree. Ok, what about the snake who tempted her? The
temptation was already within her, the need to learn and experience

that needed to learn and to grow to reach mankind's most highest and
purest essence. As we help other's evolve, they help us to evolve as
well. This is why it is so important to seek oneness in ALL aspects and
in ALL people, no matter how hateful or hurtful they are. For when we
learn to how oneness truly works, only then can man can work towards
the Divine goal. In a nutshell, our purpose is to connect, to embrace,
to love and to evolve all aspects of life to it's highest potential. So
if you are not connecting, embracing, loving and working towards
evolving those aspects in your life, you are will not fulfilling your
life purpose.. And how we achieve that on an individual level comes
from our dreams, our hopes and our imagination. We have guides and
helpers to point out areas that need alittle more attention, show us
how to work that area if we don't know how to. I also asked about ' You
can't receive love if you don't love yourself" ( my train of thought
was more around, how do i help other people if I can't even help
myself) Many of our growth comes from experience, and most of that
experience comes from other people or working other aspects of life.
Because we are all inter connected in one form or another, so often by
giving our energy into another aspect, it often gives us their energy
in return, giving us more options and aspects to consider to help us.
So for me, by walking this path alone for so many years, was actually
going AGAINST oneness , against my life purpose,Anyways I thought I
would share this :) let me know your thought :)

Life Lessons

The past few days have been kind of rough being back. Though I'm really glad and my husband is thrilled, so much happier, I have been a bit dishearten as far as job prospects go. The store I was supposed to transfer to to, the store manager has yet to contact me. I leave messages, she's busy in a meeting, she's on vacation, she's out of town, ect. So i have been searching elsewhere with little to no luck. So my self-esteem has been low. I felt that maybe I could find something on-line, do readings or something. My desire is to teach, kinda like coaching, possibly like a spiritual coach. So I went searching for training classes, ect. Every site i went to charges ridiculous amounts of money, with no, or ridiculous "payment plans". So I became dis hearted again. Ok, well spiritual coaches really don't require "certification" per se but everyone seems to want it. I even ran into a web-site that will train you to become a "Ordained Angel Minister". I looked at it and I'm like "are you kidding me!??" So I read through it anyways. The program seemed interesting enough until i got the price. A couple of THOUSAND dollars. For what channeling Angels, to give readings and to marry someone in the name of Archangel Micheal? And knowing that a lot of people are actually paying this price in search for spiritual enlightenment, for hope that there is something more, to transform their lives and to be an "expert" and how to make your life happy? It's almost repulsive how they market spirituality. (No offence to anyone who has spent money on alot of these classes). Anyways, by the time I shut off the computer, i was so depressed. Wondering what my purpose is, how to become "something" in life and knowing that we would never have the money to do it until I'm older. I felt stuck and hopeless. But the depression was so heavy . It was like a wet blanket draped across me. I forced myself to channel the negative energy out. As I did, it felt as if ALL of my energy was leaving, because the negative energy was so strong that it pretty much snuffed out the good. So I began to channel in the light while channeling out the negative (a practice I'm done often). By the time I was done, i felt more peace, still lost, but had some peace. I took my husband to work this morning. On the drive back I put on a meditation song and began talking to my Angels. I told them that I could not afford any of this stuff and if I needed to learn they would have to teach me. I thought about alot of stuff, I realized that my spiritual growth seemed to stop ans stagnate after I put my show on hold. I just went down hill spiritually from then. I also realized that I live alot of my life experiences through other people. Because of my unique abilites working together, I learn, experience and teach all at once, helping other's to do the same. When I focus on service, i am fulfilling my life purpose. As the Angels help them to heal, I heal myself. When I go inward, in my own self, i stop growing. because I am not fulfilling my life path and purpose. I also realized what our life purpose is..Our life path is to learn, our life purpose is to teach what we have learned in order to gain a greater connection to the Divine and one another. So , we came up with a plan that will fulfill my life purpose and the manifest what i have seen before. Since most of my learning comes from life experiences and I usually teach from life experience. So I plan on making a lesson plan on "life lessons" , spiritually speaking. First, I will post some of them on my web-site and if people want to donate, then great, but at least it will be accessible if people can't afford them. Then I can write a book and sell it, with the lessons and more, which will fulfill our financial needs, while still doing the show. No spending thousands of dollars, I'm still learning, teaching other's and fulfilling my purpose of learning and teaching and helping other's. This blog really duos no justice compared to the way it was experienced this morning, but that's ok. I have a direction now, all I have to do is continue down this path,with a possibility to actually to fulfill it. It will take some months, but that's ok. Things will fall into place as they should. It's nice to have some clarity though, a direction, a plausible direction that I feel is attainable and fulfilling. Today I will take the kids and my dad down to the coast before he has to leave. It will be a great day after all :)

A Light Into The Soul

Here is my reading:

Ahahah your a kid at heart I feel that you are young and a coming into that which has been granted
unto you is beginning. You were jumping around a lot when trying to
connect the one thing you need to do is meditate and slow your
thoughts....slow your soul and reconnect back to where your roots are.
Breath deep and long feel the breath connect to your every being and
allow the feeling of youthful imagination guide your meditations.


I finally realized what I am being told by my Angels and here was my response:

At first, I thought it was the move, since my husband and I have trying to move back home, I realized this morning, that it is something
greater, A quest of the soul , if you will, an answer that i feel will
be the starting point for a whole new life. Because of this new found
knowledge, I understand why I bounce around so much, and feeling like
I'm constantly being pulled in all these different directions. My soul
is the foundation, and by instilling peace and order , it will make it
easier to slow down the chaos in my heart and spirit and mind, ect.
Figuring out what each aspect needs and coming up with a plan to
fulfill each area. I know this may sound strange, but one day, i will
be able to get everything in order and share. This is only one aspect
of a vast ocean of a soul,lol. A soul journey into knowledge. The
reading you have given goes much deeper than you know and now i can
gain some insight into the true roots of my being, which is the soul.
The childlike self that you sense, because I'm defietly no spring
chicken anymore,lol, is yet a strong desire to be young again. Many
parts of me feels young, but other aspects of myself don't file suite,
so maybe to my getting to the root , which in this case is the soul, i
can create some balance, organize the needs of all aspects of myself to
create more balance and "teamwork" to fulfill all areas needs and
finally stop the war within.


I've
been on a quest since November that has taken me down the path of the
soul. A deeper understanding of the many complicated aspects of it. I
realized that where the dreams, desires, emotions, and everything else
comes from. The soul seems to be a delicate system that holds all
aspects of ourselves, the heart, the mind, the body, and the spirit.The
reason for this quest is i can actually make positive changes without
the constant crash and burn, to find fulfillment in my life, and to
live the life that everyone seems to promise in these "self help"
books. The best way I can describe my findings is like this. Say the
heart, mind, body and spirit are all children. Each child needs certain
things to be fulfilled. They are all yelling screaming "I want this, I
want that!" and the parent, the soul, is rushing around trying fulfill
each child's requests. But the children are never completely satisfied
because the parent can't focus all of their energy on one particular
child. When the parent duos, then shortly after, the other children
start screaming. So the parents call a babysitter and take a "time
out". This is usually when they know that the basic needs are met and
this is their time to regroup. This is why meditation is so important.
It's like when the children are older and start school, this is usually
a peaceful quiet time to take a break. Often we can calm down and see
things more clearly. It's our daily dose of "time out", seeing and
contemplating on what each child is truly seeking, whether it be
knowledge, or to feel certain types of love, or to feel more powerful,
or to seek a closer connection with people or the Divine. We are
usually not clear on what each aspect truly needs, and more often then
not, though each aspect has different needs, it can be fulfilled by
teamwork. By getting each child to work together, each child will also
work towards fulfilling their needs. For example. My Spirit has a
desire to be able to fully connect with energy and I find my connection
to water to be the strongest, (maybe because I'm a crab,lol) so by being
near running water fulfills the soul. But my heart longs to feel free
and the ocean brings forth that youthfulness while keeping the body
happy of not having to over extend itself. But the mind logically
protests that by doing this to fulfill this area, we will be setting
ourselves up for other things that might take away from the initial
fulfillment. Because your not going to feel free if you are bogged down
with bills. And this is where the war usually begins. The mind starts
throwing fire balls of logic and then the heart retaliates with anger,
and then the spirit withdraws and feels even further away from any type
of connection to anything and things begin to spiral. But by coming up
with a plan to fulfill each aspect and having all aspects work
together to fulfill each one, should bring in more stamina and
production towards specific goals. This doesn't mean that all will be
perfect, there is no perfect way, for if we fulfilled everything, we

account the needs of each child and developing a working system to
fulfill those needs, even if it means to explore new concepts or
compromise then there will be a fulfillment of the soul for peace and
harmony, as well as being able to manifest many dreams.
This is simply a concept. I will be working with this for awhile. And will have to figure out where to start,lol.

The Wall

I was planning to respond to another post, but I got this instead, an answer that i have been seeking for a long time.

When i was little, i was very fearful. I believe this had alot to do with a combination of unrecognized gifts and a shield against my mother. My motto in life, ever since I could remember is that the only person that will take care of me, is me. The very first brick was set when I was 12, when my mother's jealousy blinded her from looking at me as her daughter and placed me in the role of the "other woman" in my father's life. I felt so betrayed which is the day the motto became my guideline in life. Anger ,pain and betrayal was the very first brick I set. After that I used everyone's pain to strengthen that wall. It's like taking a ship into the middle of a hurricane in order to "defeat" the worst. And with each victory came with another brick. I prided myself on my creation. 23 years of hell and back, literally, and to be able to handle everything that life threw at me. I felt like superwoman. I was the rock of my family, the rock of people in general and it felt great. But the price was extremely high. I became detached, so detached i couldn't really feel anymore. I wanted to be that shelter for them and vowed that I would never allow them to feel that pain that i felt that day. Let mom take care of everything, after all this what the wall was for. In a sense, i think I expected everyone to be able to do that or at least tried to show other's how, including my children.. Being compassionate and loving on my terms, and I would never allow myself to feel that way again.My children or anyone else in this world should never have to feel that way. By taking on the pain, it was my way of liberating them,liberating myself from the chains of emotions. I was able to see light within the darkness, and i took that darkness upon myself,ironically, leaving myself in the dark. Again, self sacrifice. I never expected that wall to crumble. Never in a million years, I thought it was indestructible. The wall was built upon a foundation of defiance and self-control. Each brick was a brick of anger, sadness and pain. The things that weaken most, strengthened me. Or at least at the time, I thought it did. It served it's purpose, without it, I don't think I could have done all that I did,when my ex and I split up. I remember packing up a few little things and driving across the country, just the four of us and starting over with nothing. It was hard, but we made it through. I have no doubt that we were taken care of by higher powers. That wall created a faith in me, not just in myself, but in my faith with the Divine. Again, defiance crossed the threshold and I found a spiritual path that crossed many boundaries and I didn't care. It was my life and my relationship with the Divine. I was pretty lonely behind that wall. I let very few people in. When I started dating my husband, things changed. I al most sabotaged the relationship to keep that wall strong. It can't stay strong when you are vulnerable in any area. But the desires of the heart seemed to outweigh the desire to keep people out. I got tired traveling alone, and on his birthday, the day he almost left me, I was forced to make a choice. I couldn't balance out the bricks because I had no bricks that included love or compassion. That only came from the scared little girl from behind. So I had to either stay in my safe little sanctuary, or finally tear down the wall and start new. I chose to tear it down. It was like I took one brick out that night and it completely collapsed. Though I have gained so much, and it was definitely a painful process, the one thing I ever knew,the one thing I could always count on, is now gone. My entire life that I knew before was gone. I spent so much time looking at the rubble, that I never really focused on how to rebuild. I just kind of went with the flow, wandering aimlessly in the forest and became completely lost. Constantly searching. It's time to go back and rebuild a kingdom, not just a wall. One that is balanced and renewed. One that combines all of the qualities that make up me. I don't know how to do this or where to start, but I think today is a good time to start. For the first time, I truly understand the wall and it's impact on my life. I also now understand that i need to rebuild a better kingdom, stronger. A kingdom that will withstand the storms of time, yet create a warm and loving shelter within that will help everyone, including myself. I don't know how I will do this, but I guess I should simply start with the first brick.

Life Purpose

Lately Hubby and I have been having some deeper conversations that seem to open up alot of seeking for answers in different area's though I can't help to feel they are all connected somehow. We were talking about our life purposes, and I asked him what his was, since his seems so simple. Where as I'm searching into the depths of the soul, he simply looks to have a decent house, live the more normal life, and have fun. Like his objective is to have fun,lol. (Though he is a responsible person) so for whatever reason, I realized that his life purpose was to come back and experience life on a more simplistic level. We both feel that this may be his last cycle here. So this got me thinking again about our Life Purpose and Life Path's, Which I believe is being shown to be to be almost one in the same. Though I don't believe we map out every detail of our lives before we come back, we do seem to have certain objectives that we strive to achieve. Everyone knows that the ultimate objective is to gain a closer connection and understanding with the Divine. But our lives here, right now, is more of a journey of the soul. I feel that with Adam and Eve, they had the opportunity to live life at it's most simplest form, where everything was pretty much handed to them, but feel that the soul or spirit, or both was born with a need to seek more, the full understanding of why we are here, and to gain a stronger perception of life's most asked question. I am getting got a point shortly,lol. So they made a choice to leave the sanctuary of comfort and to explore more. Kind of like a child. If you have a huge house with every toy a child could imagine, they will enjoy the toys for a time, but there is a deeper need to explore and learn more of the world outside and eventually they will choose to explore, to learn and to understand. The whole temptation thing is a whole different topic. Anyways, we go on this journey, which seems to be different for each person, though our deepest level is to understand our existence and our relationship with the divine, but in order for us to understand that, we must first understand the complicity of ourselves. Our emotions, our thoughts, what we are truly capable of accomplishing ect. And for this reason I believe in reincarnation, because I don't feel that we can learn everything in one lifetime. So we go through different lives learning, exploring, and having to handle different situations. But even though our consciousness and thoughts travel with us, so do our emotions. So, instead of us sitting in limbo as our "perfect selves" analysing these things and setting practical goals, I think that our emotions fuel what is already inside. For example, my last life was pretty traumatic. I was married to a wonderful man back probably in the 1600's or so. I became pregnant and had an issue with my brother-in law and his wife. I had a wonderful life with this man, but his brother basically made the moves on me and I was repulsed by it and denied him. He became angry and started spreading lies about me. My husband was torn. I was eventually accused of witchcraft, which I don't think I consciously did, but sure there were so things that I believed that was against what other's believed. I became pregnant, and the brother's wife became jealous because we knew it was a boy, and she wanted one for her husband since all of her children were girls. He turned me in and I had to go to trial for witchcraft. The punishment was death, and I was pregnant. My last recollection was my husband being on a type of beach as they were taking me away on a boat. I was chained and they threw me over. I remember being under water and my last thought were of vengeance and justice. When I was born into this life, I used to joke about coming back to this life with a vengeance. But it was true, i suffered alot of fears and lashed out alot. Though I believe some of it was mirrored from my mother, it was still there because it was still in me. I always had two themes that ran ramped  in my life, being with my twin, whom I believe was my husband in my past life, and justice. This was the purpose I set out for. Looking at my life now, I was faced with a lost love that i had an extremely close connection to, My career paths have taken me down the road for justice, and I have had alot of anger in my past. I was faced with a situation with my father in-law who hit on me and I basically stood up and put him i n his place, (not physically,lolevntually fulfill our destiny.

Transforming Fear Into Stregnth

Last night I was working on the finishing touches of my web-site in preparation for my upcoming show on blog talk radio. I clicked on each page testing the links , making small changes here and there, and overall speculating whether or not it was good enough or should be deleted all together. Self- doubt and fear began to seep in and I began to wonder if I'm truly ready for this. I finally pulled myself away from the computer and went to bed. Thoughts continued to dance around in my mind and I began to feel an overwhelming sense of dread. I searched for some reprieve and traveled back to my younger years when fear wasn't so much of an obstacle. Back then I had the strength to push past the fears and simply did with little regard to consequence.Somewhere along the way,the storms of life seemed to have stripped me of that inner strength and over time I drowned .
So I laid there wondering at what point I allowed my fears to defeat me. Unproductive thoughts continued to consume me and the most destructive weapon emerged, self sabotage. Within the midst of my own self destruction, i noticed little lights dancing across the wall. As tiny pieces of glitter floated freely within the warmed cylinder of the lava lamp, i noticed the continuous cycle of floating to the bottom and rising above once again. Ironically, it was when the glitter began to sink to the bottom is when it shone it's brightest. For the light is not at the top, but at the bottom.
The light of that lamp led me to the light within. It lead me to my inner strength. And I embraced it. I stood up and said "No ! I will NOT live like this anymore!" I am NO LONGER a prisoner of Fear " I want this, no I NEED this and NOTHING will stop me or hold me down from living the life that I choose for myself!"
So, next Friday, Mystic Realm will air on blog talk radio. I will give Readings. And most important whether I succeed or fail is irrelevant, all that matters is that I allowed NOTHING to stop me from living once again.

Touched By An Angel

I was working on my web-site last night and started a section for people to submit their own true life Angel stories. I felt it only appropriate to write my own experiences as well. So I sat there and thought...and thought.. and thought. After reading such remarkable stories on other web-sites, the experiences that they had could never compare. Though I have had some experiences with them in the past, there seemed to be no life changing experience. A few weird things have happened, but I never looked at it as Angelic intervention, I always looked at it as God and not really understanding the role the Angel's truly have. Ironically, as I channel them for reading's, they seem so caring and so peaceful, and when they say "i love you" to that person, I can feel it with every part of my being. But that message isn't for me, it's for the person I read for. I realized that I don't have much of a personal relationship with them, it feels more like a "business partnership" but without money. Like our life purposes are the same and we need each other to fulfill that purpose, but it feels like all business, per say. I guess I'm a typical empath, where all the stuff seems to apply to everyone, but me. Not because I'm better or don't need help, in fact, I think it's quite the opposite, like I am unworthy .It fills me somehow to do readings and to deliver these messages, but on the flip-side, there is a part of me that would like to know what it's truly like to have a friendship or something more than a "partnership" per say with the Angel's that I communicate with daily.
I was at work today and I was feeling a bit down. I did a reading about a week or two ago and found out today that I was way off. It happens from time to time,( I noticed about an every 4 month trend) when I actually pick up on the wrong person. Anyways, I took it pretty hard. Maybe part of it's pride, but I felt like I let this person down somehow. People need these messages and I failed to deliver it properly and then it felt like I was alone. Like they had left me. I went outside to catch some air. I put on my mp3 player and the song "Lithium" came on, by Evenascence. I began to sink further down wondering why they left me and thinking I must have done something to deserve it. And then I saw two Angel's appear sitting one either side of me and a peace came over me. A third stood in front of me as if protecting me from outside sources, or perhaps protecting me from myself. I sat there for quite some time and for the first time since I was a child I felt their peace, their love and comfort. I felt the same thing that I feel when they give the same compassion to other's. I realized that it wasn't them that kept me at a distance, but me that has kept them at a distance because I do truly feel unworthy in their presence. They are so pure and full of light . They are a continuous channel for Divine love and I'm just ..me. I try hard to be a channel for that love but fall way short of being the person I feel I should be. Yet, there they were on either side of me, in front of me, and all around me with their arms wide open telling me that they love me and that they will never leave me. It was a very humbling experience. Sometimes our experiences with the Angel's won't be earth shattering or life changing, but each time we meet them, face to face, it makes an impact on us and an experience we will never forget. And this is my Angel Story.

I Remember You - Part 1

I often get absorbed in finding the blessings within the curse, but for the moment, it's time to find the blessing within the blessings. A childhood friend contacted me through facebook a couple of months ago. I met her in Oregon when I was about 6 or 7. We were new to the area and I didn't know anyone. With her big bright smile she welcomed me and we became best friends. Being an only child, she brought me a sense of sisterhood and for the first time, I wasn't alone. Because of her friendship, she shared many childhood memories with me that I would have otherwise forgotten long ago. And for this Peggy, I remember you.
We later moved to a state that is very segregated. Being from the west coast, I found it difficult to adjust. The standards on society were so strict and the boundaries between races when unbendable. In the midst of all the chaos and confusion two wonderful friends came into my life and brought me a sense of belonging. The boundaries of segregation and societies expectations, to us, didn't exist. We laughed, we played, we danced and embraced life only as children can. It didn't matter what other people said or did, we didn't care how people treated us, we trampled on their rules with defiance and pride because our love for one another was all that mattered. And for this Renee and Tabitha, I remember you.
Our travels eventually led us back to a small coastal town in central California. , where adjustment once again was a challenge. The transition from child to woman was a difficult road. My mother and I never really saw eye to eye and daily arguments were inevitable. The emotional roller coaster was almost unbearable, and then I met Johnny. He was an older teen that lived in the same complex. We often spent time talking, and for the first time, I got the sense that someone was actually listening to me. He cared enough to take the time to listen and understand. He gave me advice on how to handle the situations and saw me for who I truly was. I was more than just some mixed up kid with alot of issues, I was a person worth giving that time to, worth listening to, worth saving. And for this Johnney , I remember you.
As all good things come to an end, his family moved and I never heard from him again. But as one door closes, another opens and I met more wonderful people. They became my rock when my world crumbled all around me. They became the shoulder's I cried upon often.We shared memories, both good and bad, a sacred time in life that would inevitably change our lives forever. We emancipated ourselves from child to adult and you became that foundation for the person I am today. The most sacred of all relationships, Bonnie, Rainbow, Annette, and Kim, I remember you.
The one person who shared my soul, I could never forget. You showed me what true love was really is. You took care of me in a time when I was lost. You were a light upon my path. You saw beyond the scared child and made me a part of yourself.You sacrificed your fears and gave without ever thinking twice. You showed me how delicate and precious love truly is, and even though I didn't learn that lesson then, because of you, I have learned it now. And for this Jerry, I remember you.

The Ghosts of Angel;s Past

I am studying a book I just recently bought called "The Way Of The Mystic". On week two, I read through a section that had a Guided imagery exercise that was so insightful. Basically you have to imagine you are on a beach and a descended master appears. He points to a cave that you have never seen before and a child comes walking out.The child walks up to you and you ask "What can I do to make our life happy?" The child climbs into your lap and responds.... The child is you. Then a teenager walks out . You ask again "How can I make our life happy?", and then an old woman. These people are you in different stages of your life and nugget of knowledge that each aspect carries. This exercise became a wake up call for me, especially the old woman. There seemed to be a common theme and that theme is fear and sadness, and lack of self importance and self love.
The child reminded me to be free, to have fun, the laugh, smile and embrace each moment. The teenager reminded me of the consequences of fear and not to run from my inner emotions. As an Empath this is difficult, because I tend to get hurt very easily, and tend to make alot of bad choices because of the emotions. So now, as I'm older I'm afraid to feel wholeheartedly because I'm afraid or hurt, failure, and disappointments. I was a fighter, I fought for justice, I fought for what I believed what was right, but I never fought for the most important thing of all, I never fought for love. I cried out for it and when I got it, I ran to the hills. Again, fear. The teenager reminded me to fight for what I truly believe in, the things and people who are most important, and to not be afraid to open my heart to these people.
The old woman, I will write down what she told me.
"Listen to the children. Life goes by quicker than you know. Embrace the moment and each experience. We are not cursed, but blessed.. if you remember that love and compassion for everyone is all that matters. All the years of depression has done me no good, simply wasted empty time. Sure I learned alot, grew alot, and helped some people along the way, but I did nothing to heal myself. And now I'm so tired, always tired.To Tired to play with the grand kids and to depressed to truly care. I'm an old bitter woman who feels I have accomplished nothing. You can still change our fate. Open your heart,my dear. Not for a brief moment, but always. The lesson I never learned that you still can, is to love yourself. God dous. Alot of other people do to, why can't you? We have a heart that has never been truly freed from it's cage.I never really knew love to it's fullest potential because I was to afraid. I always wanted to be an author, but never had enough confidence that it would be good enough to be published. I always wanted to love without restraint. To live a long happy life with my soulmate, but was to afraid of being vulnerable to truly give my all. I never really appreciated life and all the people who were closest to me until they were gone. The cycle of depression and failure always continued because I never believed that I could make a change, nor did I believe that my life was all that important. Now my children cry upon my grave and for the first time I realized that my life did make a difference to them. I wish I could go back and tell them. I wish I had one more chance to embrace life. Your my second chance. Don't leave this life as I have. Don't mourn the things that you don't have, but embrace the things that you do have.
I don't want to die like that. I have envisioned this woman before. I have seen her in my future and fear that I will end up like that. But there is still time to take chances, there's still time to change that woman, myself. There is alot we can learn from our ghosts.