I was planning to respond to another post, but I got this instead, an answer that i have been seeking for a long time.
When i was little, i was very fearful. I believe this had alot to do with a combination of unrecognized gifts and a shield against my mother. My motto in life, ever since I could remember is that the only person that will take care of me, is me. The very first brick was set when I was 12, when my mother's jealousy blinded her from looking at me as her daughter and placed me in the role of the "other woman" in my father's life. I felt so betrayed which is the day the motto became my guideline in life. Anger ,pain and betrayal was the very first brick I set. After that I used everyone's pain to strengthen that wall. It's like taking a ship into the middle of a hurricane in order to "defeat" the worst. And with each victory came with another brick. I prided myself on my creation. 23 years of hell and back, literally, and to be able to handle everything that life threw at me. I felt like superwoman. I was the rock of my family, the rock of people in general and it felt great. But the price was extremely high. I became detached, so detached i couldn't really feel anymore. I wanted to be that shelter for them and vowed that I would never allow them to feel that pain that i felt that day. Let mom take care of everything, after all this what the wall was for. In a sense, i think I expected everyone to be able to do that or at least tried to show other's how, including my children.. Being compassionate and loving on my terms, and I would never allow myself to feel that way again.My children or anyone else in this world should never have to feel that way. By taking on the pain, it was my way of liberating them,liberating myself from the chains of emotions. I was able to see light within the darkness, and i took that darkness upon myself,ironically, leaving myself in the dark. Again, self sacrifice. I never expected that wall to crumble. Never in a million years, I thought it was indestructible. The wall was built upon a foundation of defiance and self-control. Each brick was a brick of anger, sadness and pain. The things that weaken most, strengthened me. Or at least at the time, I thought it did. It served it's purpose, without it, I don't think I could have done all that I did,when my ex and I split up. I remember packing up a few little things and driving across the country, just the four of us and starting over with nothing. It was hard, but we made it through. I have no doubt that we were taken care of by higher powers. That wall created a faith in me, not just in myself, but in my faith with the Divine. Again, defiance crossed the threshold and I found a spiritual path that crossed many boundaries and I didn't care. It was my life and my relationship with the Divine. I was pretty lonely behind that wall. I let very few people in. When I started dating my husband, things changed. I al most sabotaged the relationship to keep that wall strong. It can't stay strong when you are vulnerable in any area. But the desires of the heart seemed to outweigh the desire to keep people out. I got tired traveling alone, and on his birthday, the day he almost left me, I was forced to make a choice. I couldn't balance out the bricks because I had no bricks that included love or compassion. That only came from the scared little girl from behind. So I had to either stay in my safe little sanctuary, or finally tear down the wall and start new. I chose to tear it down. It was like I took one brick out that night and it completely collapsed. Though I have gained so much, and it was definitely a painful process, the one thing I ever knew,the one thing I could always count on, is now gone. My entire life that I knew before was gone. I spent so much time looking at the rubble, that I never really focused on how to rebuild. I just kind of went with the flow, wandering aimlessly in the forest and became completely lost. Constantly searching. It's time to go back and rebuild a kingdom, not just a wall. One that is balanced and renewed. One that combines all of the qualities that make up me. I don't know how to do this or where to start, but I think today is a good time to start. For the first time, I truly understand the wall and it's impact on my life. I also now understand that i need to rebuild a better kingdom, stronger. A kingdom that will withstand the storms of time, yet create a warm and loving shelter within that will help everyone, including myself. I don't know how I will do this, but I guess I should simply start with the first brick.
When i was little, i was very fearful. I believe this had alot to do with a combination of unrecognized gifts and a shield against my mother. My motto in life, ever since I could remember is that the only person that will take care of me, is me. The very first brick was set when I was 12, when my mother's jealousy blinded her from looking at me as her daughter and placed me in the role of the "other woman" in my father's life. I felt so betrayed which is the day the motto became my guideline in life. Anger ,pain and betrayal was the very first brick I set. After that I used everyone's pain to strengthen that wall. It's like taking a ship into the middle of a hurricane in order to "defeat" the worst. And with each victory came with another brick. I prided myself on my creation. 23 years of hell and back, literally, and to be able to handle everything that life threw at me. I felt like superwoman. I was the rock of my family, the rock of people in general and it felt great. But the price was extremely high. I became detached, so detached i couldn't really feel anymore. I wanted to be that shelter for them and vowed that I would never allow them to feel that pain that i felt that day. Let mom take care of everything, after all this what the wall was for. In a sense, i think I expected everyone to be able to do that or at least tried to show other's how, including my children.. Being compassionate and loving on my terms, and I would never allow myself to feel that way again.My children or anyone else in this world should never have to feel that way. By taking on the pain, it was my way of liberating them,liberating myself from the chains of emotions. I was able to see light within the darkness, and i took that darkness upon myself,ironically, leaving myself in the dark. Again, self sacrifice. I never expected that wall to crumble. Never in a million years, I thought it was indestructible. The wall was built upon a foundation of defiance and self-control. Each brick was a brick of anger, sadness and pain. The things that weaken most, strengthened me. Or at least at the time, I thought it did. It served it's purpose, without it, I don't think I could have done all that I did,when my ex and I split up. I remember packing up a few little things and driving across the country, just the four of us and starting over with nothing. It was hard, but we made it through. I have no doubt that we were taken care of by higher powers. That wall created a faith in me, not just in myself, but in my faith with the Divine. Again, defiance crossed the threshold and I found a spiritual path that crossed many boundaries and I didn't care. It was my life and my relationship with the Divine. I was pretty lonely behind that wall. I let very few people in. When I started dating my husband, things changed. I al most sabotaged the relationship to keep that wall strong. It can't stay strong when you are vulnerable in any area. But the desires of the heart seemed to outweigh the desire to keep people out. I got tired traveling alone, and on his birthday, the day he almost left me, I was forced to make a choice. I couldn't balance out the bricks because I had no bricks that included love or compassion. That only came from the scared little girl from behind. So I had to either stay in my safe little sanctuary, or finally tear down the wall and start new. I chose to tear it down. It was like I took one brick out that night and it completely collapsed. Though I have gained so much, and it was definitely a painful process, the one thing I ever knew,the one thing I could always count on, is now gone. My entire life that I knew before was gone. I spent so much time looking at the rubble, that I never really focused on how to rebuild. I just kind of went with the flow, wandering aimlessly in the forest and became completely lost. Constantly searching. It's time to go back and rebuild a kingdom, not just a wall. One that is balanced and renewed. One that combines all of the qualities that make up me. I don't know how to do this or where to start, but I think today is a good time to start. For the first time, I truly understand the wall and it's impact on my life. I also now understand that i need to rebuild a better kingdom, stronger. A kingdom that will withstand the storms of time, yet create a warm and loving shelter within that will help everyone, including myself. I don't know how I will do this, but I guess I should simply start with the first brick.
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