Storm Clouds

My darkest moments are those that you are so far away.
Hell is the coldness I feel when you are only a few feet from me.
I have lived so much, yet the lessons I never seem to learn. The darkness seems to consume my light. At this moment I feel dead inside. I'm coming to the realization that this darkness will always be here. I'm not sure if it comes from within or without, not even sure it matters anymore. I just know that is always here. The root of my soul is pain, it's something I have fought my entire life, something I can't seem to accept, yet it is the source of my power.
Love is pain, I'm beginning to understand that now. It's the rawest emotion we will ever feel. You can't hide from it, you can't run. It forces you to look at the truth of the matter, no matter how bad we try to bury it. It 's rooted in love, because if we didn't love, it wouldn't hurt so bad. Our minds will tell us it doesn't exsist, but the void within reminds us that it is still there.
God I just want to hold you right now, but your rejection would kill me. So I will just sit here and pray the storm ends quickly. 

Changes

My sister left yesterday morning to go back to Germany, my brother left Wednsday, things have been so quiet since. I find myself missing them already. I knew change was on the horizon. I knew the end of another chapter of my life would end, and them coming would make the era of a new beginning. The last three weeks came and went so fast. I didn't think our wedding would happen, but it did, on Tuesday. So much, so quick and then they are gone.
I don't really know how I feel. I'm sad because they are gone, but I know more change is coming. I know that a new beginning is here, but at the moment, I'm on this new path, kind of just standing here wondering where it will take us. I don't want to say this is a crossroads, because there is only one path before me. I feel confident, and something within me knows something great is about to happen. I feel peace for the first time in a long time, and I feel more complete. I know within my heart what I must do, what I will be doing. I see it before me.
I've always wanted to be an author. I have decided this morning to go back to writing. I have also decided to go back to doing readings. For the longest time I have felt numb, but the last two days the spiritual energy has been so strong. I can't ignore it. I know I must write again. I know I must do readings again. I know where I left off at the end of last month, isn't the path I am supposed to be on. I wish I had more time before going back to work. I'm afraid things will go back to where they were. They are not meant to,though, I know this.
Yesterday morning, when my sister and her family left, I felt a void within. It felt empty. I still feel it today, but it made things clearer for me. For many years I have been afraid. I'm not afraid anymore. That is what changed. That knowing within. I know what I must do and I know that I will succeed. These things within, I couldn't see it before, but somehow I have gained clarity when they left. To focus on the important things in life. To remember the soul. Yesterday I cried when she left. I didn't want to feel it, but I felt it and when I did, a wall came down. I know now they were meant to come. I still don't know the reason, not all of it, but I knew it would be life changing. It is already starting with my brother and I. Making us see things we could not really see before.
Today I am switching my alter out. I want to create a sacred space that is actually sacred. I haven't felt connected to my alter since we moved to Arizona. I knew it was a loaner until I got my old one back, so today I am going to set it back up again. We have had so much thrown at us the last few months, but something changed within me this last week on a really huge scale. That is why I know the path before me is already set. There is no going back now because within my soul I already made the choice.