Breathe of Life

    Lately I have been doing alot of soul searching, trying to find that missing piece in my soul. My journey for spirituality has been long and cold. So many battles, so many wounds, so many questions and so many dead-ends. My journey for answers have recently left me stripped of all belief. I had to loose to myself in order to find myself .I had to break free from what I was trained to believe and to follow my own heart to God. For most of my life I searched for spiritual truth and have lost the greatest gift of all...belief.
    I was driving to work this morning and the sun was rising above the mountains ahead and I felt something. I'm not sure I can describe it, but I remembered that feeling when I was 8. It was the day my parents and I moved to Louisiana. It was early morning and they had come to my school. The sun was rising above the mountains and I felt this powerful light, mystical energy and I knew that there was more out there then this planet. Something greater, stronger. I connected to an energy that was so powerful and beautiful that there there was no doubt in my mind about anything. I didn't know what exactly I knew, I just knew that at that moment I was....there. I was no longer in this world of stone, I was wrapped in the energy of pure light. It was so beautiful, so peaceful, and magickal, it felt as if anything and everything was possible, and I knew that it was.
     On my way to work, I felt it and I remembered. When I was young I believed and I believed because I felt it with every part of my being. It's ironic how I have come full circle and I had more knowledge and wisdom as a child. I didn't need answers, I just felt it, embraced it and I knew everything I ever needed to know. I didn't need to consciously know, I just needed to feel it. Angels were looking down on me that day and God smiled upon me. For a brief moment I truly experienced heaven. And I felt it again today, but more important I remembered. And I felt that same energy surge through my entire being. I didn't need to think about it, I just needed to embrace it and so I did, for that brief moment.
       I've spent so much time walking the veils of the dead, I truly forgot what it was like to walk among the living. I knew I needed to walk alone in the dark, to learn and to grow, and to understand where I came from. I was born the in the realm of Angels, I think we all are and when we come down here we forget where we came from. The veil is so thin and the connection is right at our finger tips all we have to do is reach for it. I used to think I was cursed as if God had turned his back on me, but remembering that memory and experiencing it yet again, I was watched over, protected, ....loved. I don't know why I stopped believing, all I know is that I did and finding out why really doesn't seem to matter anymore because now I know that his Divine light is always there and it's real.
      Mysticism isn't about finding answers to the unexplained, it's experiencing it, embracing it and walking with it no matter where it leads. I can't explain and after searching for logical answers, I don't want to explain it because it takes the mystery and magick out of it until not even belief exists. When we loose that belief , we loose ourselves and the soul begins to die. And I think that is why I came back. I don't want to tell people how to live their lives, I want to help guide them through the veil into Divine light and to remind them where we come from, and to embrace the power we possess inside. Life, not life of the body, life of the soul.
      

Back to Avalon

So I've asked for help. On this post I will share my journey. I call this a writing meditation.

She whispers to me " Come, come and take my hand, travel with me through this sacred land
The land lied beyond the soul "
  We cross through the vail and there is a large green valley before me surrounded by tall mountains. I often come here as it brings forth so much peace. The sun is rising from behind the top as shimmering lights surround me.
    " A new dawn is upon us. Upon you, What will it bring? "
    " I don't know" I say. " Likely the same thing that it always brings just another day."
    "what would you like it to bring?"
    " I'm not sure. To much thinking  makes my brain hurt."
    " That is because you are following the mind. Follow the soul." She say's to me.
    " At this moment all I want to do is to keep walking towards that light. It calls to me. I do not know what it brings, I just know that it is meant for me. To heal me."
    " Then that is what you must do."
    " I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that if I walk to that light, that I will not awaken. I'm afraid it will take my soul to the summerlands."
    " That is a different type of light. However, the fear is the same. Are you afraid to heal? "
    " I'm afraid of being afraid. I'm afraid of loosing myself. Yet there is a part of me that wants to be lost and to stay lost."
    " Then you are not ready? "
    " I just heard a sound right next to me. We're not alone. It does not feel of the light, but I can't see it"
    " Is this what is stopping you?"
    " It is what makes me afraid."
    " Are you afraid of your gift?"
    " yes".
    " what are you afraid of?"
    " I'm afraid of it consuming me. I'm afraid of not being able to control it. If I loose myself in it, what is I stay lost?"
    " Isn't that what you wanted, to stay lost?"
    " Only part of me. "
    " And why do you desire this?"
    " because the beauty is that solitude is peaceful. but the nightmares are worse."
    " There is both?"
    " yes, I see both, I live both. If my dreams become reality, so do my nightmares. I am not given one side but must experience both."
     " So what do you think you will experience with the light?"
     " peace that comes through death"
     " So you are afraid of death?"
     " Are you ready to live?"
     " yes, but I am not ready to die. And one always comes with the other. It's not always a physical death, it could also be a spiritual death."
     " But aren't you there now? Isn't that why you are here?"
     " Yes. "
     " So now that you have already experienced spiritual death wouldn't this light bring spiritual life? "
     " yes, that would make sense."
  The dawn has arrived as the light envelopes me. Washes me clean. I am surrounded by Divine peace and love. I do not feel worthy. There is still a part of me that is afraid. She tells me to let go, to let go of the fear. I rise above the ground, I am being carried. There is such a freedom up here. At this moment I an not afraid of falling. I should be but I am not. There is trust. I begin to grow wings and she sets me free. This freedom is so empowering. I feel like I can do anything.
    " when you rise above the things that chain you, all you will feel is freedom. Do you know why you feel so free?"
    "because my trust in my Divine was stronger then my fears. I trusted and was lifted up and carried until I could fly again on my own."
     "Now when you return will you be able to take that with you?"
     " I need to. I will. I don't really want go back just yet. When I do I feel so alone."
     " You are never alone. Come, take my hand as we travel to healing waters. Step under the waterfall and allow the blessed water to wash you clean."
     I can feel the water run down over me. It is cool.
     "let go" she tells me. And so I do. I can feel everything fall away. It's cleansing. I needed this. When it is finished, I stand back in the light and allow it to fill my soul. In this moment, in this sacred place anything is possible. I can feel it. I am empowered, I am powerful, I am clean and pure, I am strong. In this place I believe because I can feel the endless possibilities.
      " This place isn't very far. You carry it with you everywhere you go. All you have to do is keep the door open. Allow if to flow from behind the door. It's is mystical and it will always be mystical. Allowing it to flow into the physical world does not take the mystery away, it makes it more mystical, it makes it magickal. You are a Mystic, this will never change. Embrace this power from within for it is your power. It is both given and created. You are one. There is no separation. You are in the Divine and the Divine is within you always. It is the nature of all things. Hidden yet open. Hidden for only you can see it. Open for it envelopes every aspect of your life if you allow it to. Are you ready to return? "
       " Yes, for now I know where to find it. Everywhere."
       " Take this blessing with you." She blows shimmering powder on me. It is filled with love, peace and so many other things. Imagination, passion, healing, life.
   Thank you for your help. Thank you for your hope. Thank you for everything. I didn't get your name, I say to her. She smiles and disappears. No name is uttered. Truly my Guardian Angel.