Storm Clouds

My darkest moments are those that you are so far away.
Hell is the coldness I feel when you are only a few feet from me.
I have lived so much, yet the lessons I never seem to learn. The darkness seems to consume my light. At this moment I feel dead inside. I'm coming to the realization that this darkness will always be here. I'm not sure if it comes from within or without, not even sure it matters anymore. I just know that is always here. The root of my soul is pain, it's something I have fought my entire life, something I can't seem to accept, yet it is the source of my power.
Love is pain, I'm beginning to understand that now. It's the rawest emotion we will ever feel. You can't hide from it, you can't run. It forces you to look at the truth of the matter, no matter how bad we try to bury it. It 's rooted in love, because if we didn't love, it wouldn't hurt so bad. Our minds will tell us it doesn't exsist, but the void within reminds us that it is still there.
God I just want to hold you right now, but your rejection would kill me. So I will just sit here and pray the storm ends quickly. 

Changes

My sister left yesterday morning to go back to Germany, my brother left Wednsday, things have been so quiet since. I find myself missing them already. I knew change was on the horizon. I knew the end of another chapter of my life would end, and them coming would make the era of a new beginning. The last three weeks came and went so fast. I didn't think our wedding would happen, but it did, on Tuesday. So much, so quick and then they are gone.
I don't really know how I feel. I'm sad because they are gone, but I know more change is coming. I know that a new beginning is here, but at the moment, I'm on this new path, kind of just standing here wondering where it will take us. I don't want to say this is a crossroads, because there is only one path before me. I feel confident, and something within me knows something great is about to happen. I feel peace for the first time in a long time, and I feel more complete. I know within my heart what I must do, what I will be doing. I see it before me.
I've always wanted to be an author. I have decided this morning to go back to writing. I have also decided to go back to doing readings. For the longest time I have felt numb, but the last two days the spiritual energy has been so strong. I can't ignore it. I know I must write again. I know I must do readings again. I know where I left off at the end of last month, isn't the path I am supposed to be on. I wish I had more time before going back to work. I'm afraid things will go back to where they were. They are not meant to,though, I know this.
Yesterday morning, when my sister and her family left, I felt a void within. It felt empty. I still feel it today, but it made things clearer for me. For many years I have been afraid. I'm not afraid anymore. That is what changed. That knowing within. I know what I must do and I know that I will succeed. These things within, I couldn't see it before, but somehow I have gained clarity when they left. To focus on the important things in life. To remember the soul. Yesterday I cried when she left. I didn't want to feel it, but I felt it and when I did, a wall came down. I know now they were meant to come. I still don't know the reason, not all of it, but I knew it would be life changing. It is already starting with my brother and I. Making us see things we could not really see before.
Today I am switching my alter out. I want to create a sacred space that is actually sacred. I haven't felt connected to my alter since we moved to Arizona. I knew it was a loaner until I got my old one back, so today I am going to set it back up again. We have had so much thrown at us the last few months, but something changed within me this last week on a really huge scale. That is why I know the path before me is already set. There is no going back now because within my soul I already made the choice.

Just need guidance:

Take back your power- things feel out of control, it's time to ground yourself and take back that power. There is something more hidden that you do not see, ask to see the truth of the matter. Focus some energy on seeing through the veil.

 I did a min-meditation. The voice showed me two things. On thing I don't want and who I am not and another of who I am and what I desire. And then I heard her say that I already chose and somehow I managed to choose wrong. I chose what I don't want but will likely become because I am to afraid to choose what I desire. I'm banking on my husband going back to work and it looks like it will take more time, so my dreams slip away. I need that comfort zone, that safety net, yet the passion card demands that I follow it. but because I am choosing to depend on him, nothing will change until he get's where he needs to go.

I hear the voice that say's "your gifts"
spiritual understanding and claicognizance or clear knowing. I may not know what to do but I do know that this isn't right. The way our lives are now. This is not what I'm destined for, it's not what I am supposed to do. The universe is giving me a little extra time, but I'm being warned that time is running out. I will loose my job soon because I am not meant to be there. I know this, I can feel it. I must prepare now before it is to late. I wait, but soon my time of waiting will be over and he will not be where he is supposed to be because he needs me to transition before he does. I know his job will not be to close by. he will need the car. I feel the time will be after christmas. christmas will be fine.
It makes you feel good that they need you right now, but those who do not know this will not see this. This will be the end. (work wise) You do not find fulfillment, not real fulfillment. Focus that energy where it is needed.

I feel you calling me. My soul longs to be near you. When will I ever realize that I am not alone? The winds whisper to me, calling me to come back. I feel you. My soul longing only to be free, to fly. I dance in your essence, becoming one with your energy. The magick surrounds me, healing my soul. Why have I turned my back on you, by doing so I have forsaken myself. I am in you and you in me. We are one. We are mystical. We are magickal. We are powerful. We are ancient, sacred.

Message of the Phoenix

I just had a reading today. It was kind of a reality check for me and chucking my responsibility aside. This has been an on-going struggle for me. I asked the psychic if there any spirits around me. He is used to dealing with crossed over spirits, so I know this one was uncomfortable. He picked up on the angelic energy, which he also doesn't work alot with. Michael is a protective angel I work alot with and was encouraged to work with him more. This makes sense because of the layers of protection i use. I have been feeling to get more connected to Angels. I have been wanting to get more connected to the spiritual realm, but I just haven't. I can make u every excuse in the book, but the reality is there is a art of me that stopped caring but I don't know why. I feel defeated, I question whether this is all real or some made up fantasy in my head. It's so real yet seems so unreal. I KNEW she was here. I could feel her. I knew she was young and I KNEW she was wondering why I wouldn't help her. The psychic validated it all. It was funny because I asked him what she wanted and I already knew what he would say. I had to chuckle, but it really hit home because I knew, I knew I knew and yet there is still a small art f me that this is crazy.

When did I stop caring? Why did I stop caring? I wear so many damn hats, and things are just so damn complicated. It's not that I lost site of my physical priorities, I just laced them on the front burner, and put everything else aside. My family has to eat. We need a roof over our heads. And I know this is a HUGE source of my apathy. Going to work everyday while someone else stays home and takes care of my kids. We've switched roles and there is a huge part of me that is pissed. I know it sounds stupid, but I can't hel the way I feel. I have this huge responsibility of financially,emotionally,mentally and spiritually, for a family of 5, not including the dog and cats, and I'm failing miserably. Then I am also given this huge spiritual responsibility to send these souls to the light to cross over. I don't even have the time and energy to actually help them. I'm burnt out. But that's not even the biggest problem, the biggest problem is that I'm depressed because I know I'm failing miserably and most of all I am so angry at myself for not being strong enough to deal with it. And that is the core of the issue. Getting out of my own self and gathering enough strength to take care of it all.

I've lost all faith in myself. I have no idea how I got here and I have no idea how to get out of it. I constantly feel like I am treading water, and then I allow myself to sink, and then I rise again. Kind of like the phoenix. Which has been a symbol I have been seeing lately as well. I really should pay more attention. I'm beginning to see the symbolism now. The birds flying right in front of my windshield, we live in phoenix, death and rebirth,setting fire to the rain. The phoenix represents death and rebirth. Fire overcoming water. Resurrection. Immortal.

The message of the Phoenix for me is to rise again and starting now, so I shall!

The Mystic Within

Posted by Mystic Angel January 14 - # 

Before reading this, please understand that this is not a tell-all for everyone. This is merely my own journey and realizations for my own path and may hold no significance to the rest of the world. Another chapter in my own journey, if you will.

I've been taking a little time to examine what a Mystic really means to me. Realization often comes in layers. I often see it, feel it, yet understanding is a journey in of itself. Yesterday I was driving to work and again thinking about my life purpose. I understood that I came back to this planet for love, to find the other half of my soul. I also came back, so I thought for a specific reason, to help people. Yet I have no vision, so what does that really mean? Then I thought, was is a Mystic? I came up with the term " one who walks their own path". I always assumed it meant finding one's way to getting closer to their Divine. Not even "enlightenment" which I also determined that all that means is a state of realization, and even that runs in layers. I like to call it the "aha moments" for though I hear it or even know it, I often don't understand the profound meaning of it.
I've been on this spiritual journey my entire life. I have gone through hills and valleys searching for understanding of it all. It's not to often that I often reflect upon it all, the greater picture. Most of the time I cannot see that far. I've accepted that fact that I will not ever see all or even know all. But for this stage in my life, at this moment it feels important for me to understand who they Mystic within me really is. Am I some spiritual guru who's been called to be the next modern day prophet? Highly doubtful:) In fact, though I have some pretty out there views on things, and definitely not the part of the popular belief system, it makes perfect sense. It's like the puzzle is finally coming together and I think I'm finally starting to get it.
I've been trained sense childhood that the spirit is a completely separate component of our human selves, in fact, though it is a part of us, it's almost like it's ow person. It's the thing that makes us connected to our "higher self" . Somewhere along the way everything seems disconnected, though somewhere inside I know they all work together. I've been wanting to re-connect with the fire I once had in my spirituality, yet I don't feel so spiritual. I feel spiritually lost, in a sense, even though I feel more "enlightened" then ever :) Again, the paradox. So I've been looking at spiritual things, forums, magick, prayers, healing meditation and understanding that life doesn't give me nearly enough time to take care of everything. So lately I have planing some of that to the side and I have been spending more time with my family. I have been more involved and dedicated to work in order to get a promotion I don't really want so we can afford to live and simply pay bills, and move closer to my mother in-law sense she now has cancer. At this time in my life, this is my purpose which leaves little time for spiritual endeavors and is quite depressing. It goes completely against the vision I saw.What kind of Mystic lives a life without mysticism? How can a Mystic be a Mystic is they have no time to connect spiritually? No time to meditate? No time to clear the mind long enough to accomplish anything?
So back to yesterday. As all this crap piles up in my head, I was thinking about my family. LIt was a good day and I even left early so we could spend time together. It turned into a nightmare and the entire night was shot. Today I saw the topic and as I was writing I realized that I have had phases in my life that focused on finding spirit, I've had phases that focused on finding my soulmate, I've had times where there was compassion, times of plenty and times of feminine. Times where I could clearly see magick and life walk hand in hand for some seriously miraculous things manifest. The veil between spirit and the world soon vegan to lift and I vegan to see the spirituality in all things. And then it dawned on me this morning, my journey is not to find God, for God is always with me, my journey is to understand this life, this world around me, on every level possible. I am already to connected to spirit, it was a birthright, but understanding it and still seeing it in this world. Understanding that spirit doesn't go away, it is always with me, it is who I am regardless of what happens around me. I've always looked for God in spirit, yet rarely seen him in this world. I'm beginning to understand that this world is the physical manifestation of him. It's not about religion or even beliefs, for these things change, but when we see through the eyes of the soul, we see everything. I'm not meant to escape my humanity, I'm meant embrace it. We all are. I know understand why the phrase I often use, "To know God, you must know thyself".
I was always taught that embracing humanity, embracing my human self was wrong, sinful, something God didn't like. I'm beginning to understand that God created this humanity within us. To truly walk the path of a Mystic, one must truly decide to walk the path of self. I had to see God in all things before I could see God.
When I was a kid, I was afraid of God, yet I wanted to feel him, and I felt the pain and anguish of a lost soul, one no longer alive. I felt the comfort of an angel. I felt what it was like to be alive and I felt what it was like to be dead.  When I got older, I wanted to know his love. I went through a few really bad relationships and still desired to find real love. Through the people who I would learn hate from, I was given the most sacred gift, a family.
I wanted to see God. I saw the spray of the ocean and felt it's power. I saw death and destruction and people coming together to help pick up the pieces. I saw a murdered child and still saw love and forgiveness in his eyes before he departed.
I see it now. I finally get it. God is everything and everywhere. The ability to see the Divine in all things, mental, emotional, physically, within myself and within everything around me. I don't have to connect and disconnect if I can see the Divine in all things. Sermons, crosses, pent's, churches, all of it, these are merely tools to help us on our journey. Tools made for those who need it, but not meant for all. Everything I have seen, everything I have learned, everything i have ever felt came from this world around me. This planet , this physical world is merely one realm of many yet it's all centered around it. I've been walking through the veils to get to different places, yet they are all right here, together, working as one.
There is so much life within death and so much death within life, but in order to live in the light we must first be able to see it, in both life and death. I always knew that not much changed as the body passes, but the journey of this life is the point.
So again I say, If you really want to know God, you must first know yourself. The closer you get to who you are, the closer you get to the Divine.

Another Step

  Looks like Friday is the day I go back on Oranum. On one hand I'm kind of excited, but on the other hand I also suffer from a serious case of stagefright. It's important that I go back for my family and for those I can help online. It's hard to separate help from business. It's hard not to look at it as a job when I charge people. Unlike many of the other psychic's there, I refuse to charge a ridiculous amount. I've set limits to this. I won't beg people to go into private chat. I help however I can within the parameters I am giving. There are so many people out there that need help, they can't afford $3.00 a minute. I wish I could afford to do it for free.
  So much has changed though. We all struggle to find peace in the midst of this chaos, myself included. I struggle everyday. I struggle with fear. I struggle with financial stress. I struggle with the unknown and that which is known. I struggle alot with my faith.

We had an assignment a few days ago with the FIND ME group. (For the record, we do NOT charge) It was a case that involved a missing girl. She had been missing for over thirty years. No trace of her. One moment she was right there and the next, just gone. The missing children's cases are always the hardest, yet the most rewarding. Usually if I feel them in spirit, they rarely understand what has happened to them. They are usually filled with so much forgiveness or just in their own little beautiful worlds. And that is what makes this gift a gift, to be able to share that with them. But then I tap into the families who are left behind to wonder what happened to them. Most of them will never be able to move forward in life. They always are lost inside of their own grief, struggling each day to hold on to just one little spark of hope yet afraid for the answers to finally come, if they ever do.

These moments often put me back into perspective and remind me what I do have. It's not much but I have three beautiful, healthy children who are safe at home. Each night I get to kiss them good-night, each day I can tell them I love them. And though it's a struggle to take care of them, trying to balance all of their needs, I would rather have that struggle then to never have that struggle again.

Sometimes I think back to my younger years and what I put my parents through. l ran away from home....alot. Sometimes weeks at a time. My parents were angry, but they were also petrified. Having to come home and your child never coming home that night. Not knowing where they are at and wondering if you will ever see them again. As a parent now, I couldn't imagine being in that position. As an Empath, I know because I feel it everytime I do these readings.

God will take care of us, just as he will take care of the children who don't make it home. Sometimes I wonder if I believe this, but in the core of my being I know this. He will never give up on us and I can't give up either. They depend on me to be strong, emotional, spiritually and physically strong. For my family, they need me. As a collective, they need all of us to never give up hope on finding them and bringing them home.

I just have to remember this. I'm a pretty slow learner. I just have to take it one day at a time. One step at a time. Some steps will be a sprint across an open field other steps will be like treading through quick sand. But no matter easy or how difficult each step is, the point is that we took just one more step and we are one step closer to wherever life takes us.