The Power Of Courage

Since we've been back life has been like a roller coaster. Many up's and down's, the love and enjoying the beauty, to real life and trying to find a job. Last week I was finally offered a job and I will begin Monday. I was so high (emotionally, no drugs,lol) that nothing could bring me down. I dropped my husband off a couple of days ago and that's when it began. Within a matter of seconds, I looked at the road and I realized how real the road was. I know it sounds stupid, but, by mind went blank and all I could focus on was how long the road was and I became afraid. It got worse over the next few days and my I started having really bad panic attacks again. I made a promise a long time ago that I would never let it get that far again and yesterday I was at that point. The worst part about it was I was so disappointed in myself for being so weak. It paralysed me. I couldn't even drive home, so I went back to my husband's work and waited for him to go to lunch so could take me home. I cried alot, I felt so weak weak and embarrassed of my weakness. I started calming down when everyone got home. and finally completely calmed down right before bed and prayed that they would take this away. When I woke up, I felt a little better. But then my mind started up all over thinking, analysing, trying to figure things out and in turn making feel panicky all over again. I had my husband take the car this morning and I walked the kids to school. It was nice but I was still panicky and afraid that I would have yet another day of hell. If anyone has had panic attacks you know well of the hell you go through of feeling overstimulated and feel like impending doom is waiting around every corner. I dropped the kids off and wanting nothing more than for this feeling to go away. I heard a little voice that told me to stop talking to myself and talk to them. It was my guardian angel. I told her the frustration and how badly I just wanted to live again. I want to be happy, but the wall always protected me from this and I want that back, but I don;t want to be detached again.Then I heard one single gentle word "courage". This was the answer.Not facing my fears, not analysing to death about my fears, but to simply have the courage to keep walking. The courage to embrace whatever it is my heart desires. I realized that this was the thing I was missing. I have been asking for my inner strength back and this is what inner strength is, at least the strength I was looking for. The battle with the wall is that I felt strong, I could handle anything. But when the wall came down, i have been searching for that strength again. I realized that the strength i seek is simply courage. Courage is the missing piece I needed , it is the foundation of what I want my life built upon.