To Be Free

I have come to the conclusion that I spend more time learning and researching every topic that comes to mind, but yet I practice none of it. I have a vision of who I want to be yet when it comes to actually placing physical energy into it, for some reason all I want to do is lay down and cry. The overwhelming feeling of failure and self defeat seems to have become an unwelcome pattern in my life. I want to do so much, yet i feel myself pulling away when I begin to start the first steps.
      While i was sitting outside today, I began to question the things that I want to achieve and what it is exactly that it holding me down. What is this blanket that covers me everytime i began to take a step forward. What is this sinking feeling in my soul that everything is impossible. I came to the conclusion that I feel trapped. I feel like my soul wants to be free, yet it can't be. someone is always around. Don't get me wrong, but it's almost like I have no time to just think, meditate, to manifest the hifdden things within, because it's like always someone is always there watching, questioning me or making me feel like the freak I already know I am. Then I get angry because I have also come to realize that everyone is a freak one way or another , so why can't I be allowed to be a freak without question?  I can't relax, i can't be myself, i just want to be able to be free.