Dear God

Dear God,
   Did you ever sit up in heaven, before you created the earth, with a huge canvass in front of you and not knowing what you should create? Did you ever have a desire but not know really what that desire is, but yet feel compelled to fulfill it anyways?
   I don't know how you did it or how you continue to create the things you do.Each day I stand before an empty canvass and I just sit there trying to decide what to create. By the end of the day, I feel sad, because as the sun begins to set and the moon begins to rise, my canvass is still blank. I begin with a brushstroke here and another over there, just to rip the page off and try and start over again. How many times did you have to start over before you got it just right?
   Lord, I'm an artist without a vision, a painter with broken hands. All that is within my soul tries to find a way to be expressed, yet I have exhausted my passion .
    Did this ever happen to you in the middle of your creation? Did you wake up one day and realize that maybe you aren't a painter, but maybe something else?
     I feel clouded right now. So much emotion yet no thoughtful interpretation of all that is within.
Thank you for listening to me and for all the blessings you have brought to my family and I.
 



 

Why God Dousn't Answer Our Prayers

 If we bring God off the pedalstood for just a few moments and we look at him for who he truly is, he is our father. Now if you were a multimillionaire and had 5 kids, wouldn't you give your kids everything they need according to their needs? Say one is a drug-addict, would you give him the money? no, because you know that all you are doing is kiiling him, so instead you pay for 6 months in re-hab and a decent house to go to after he gets out, away from his friends so he has a chance to start over.
My point is that what you need and what the cancer patient needs are two different things. God works in mysterious ways and has a whole ton of people on his side working to help him fulfill what everyone needs. Now stay with me cause if I'm going to loose you, it will be here. There are two things I'm going to hit on, one is freewill and the second is soul desire. Many times God will try to help us and we put "stipulations" on him, so we say, ok God, I NEED money. God sees that you need the money for food so he brings someone your way to direct you to where to get some food or hand's you a gift card to Safeway. We are happy for the food, but soon the food will run out, so we tell God, I don't want the food, I need a job. The next day a friend takes you to lunch at McDonalds and there is a sign that says' Now hiring".  You blow the sign off because your a contracter not a cashier, but GOD knows that buissness is slow and this job help you pay your bills until the job you want opens up. Then we cry to God asking why we can't have a job. He brought us to the job but  WE chose not to take what he gave us. ( freewill)  You see what I mean? He did provide but our own will pretty much blew it.
  Sometimes we want help with something  and even though the end result is good,things have to get worse before they get better. Then we get mad at God for making us go through that, but because the world is the way it is and he has to get around everyone else's free will on top of it...it can be pretty tricky,
    Ok, sould desire. This one is a bit more complicated to explain. Our soul is the core of our being. We have thoughts and emotions ( things I call surface emotions) because these things run in layers. The soul often has it's own agenda and what manifests are usually the desires of the soul and not the desires of the mind and this is why therapy usually takes years,lol.
  For example your desire is to be rich and famous. You have your dream home and car already picked out. Going a little deeper , you really dont like the lifestyle of the rich and famous nor do you like standing up in front of a crowd of a hundred people. The reason why you don't like it is because you view these people as shallow and self-obsorbed. The reason why you don't like these people is because they  look down on people who are not in their same class of people and treat them as they are not worth the air they breathe. This reminds you of your dad and how he treated you when you didn't live up to his standards. This makes you angry and upset and you begin to realize that all you wanted  was to to feel respected and accepted. So your soul's desire dousn't want to be rich and famous, it just wants to to feel loved and accepted.
  This is another reason why prayers aren't answered in the way we invision, because out truest desires are the one's that manifest.This is the energy you send out to the universe, your core energy, and this is the energy that will be brought to you , but because it is deeper, we often don't realize what we send out. This is part of the reason why we attract the people and situations we do. So I am a tue believer that every prayer gets answered even when we don't realize we prayed for it,lol. 
  Now we gotta go into the "greater plan" . This plan is the plan that is set in motion that not even free will can counteract that grand scheme. Meaning if someone did something stupid that would cause a person to live or die, if part of the plan was keep them alive because they had a purpose later on, then the stupid action of the one individual will have little effect on what should have happend. These are usually what we call miracles, divine intervention , or whatever you choose to call them .Where the bullet was just millimtetrs from you and there was no way it could have missed, but somehow it did. This is because the freewill of the person shooting the gun was intercepted for the greater good. This could happen in many situations in life.
   The bottomline is, God, or whoever loves you, takes a personal interest in everyone and everything. We have the ability to choose how close or how far away we are from him. We are not a burden, we are no less worthy than the other because we are all his children. That might seems like alot of kids to care  but like I said before, he has alot of nannies on his side and he doesn't pick favorites.
  Every prayer is answered one way or the other, but are we accepting it?

The REAL Secret Of Life

April 17, 2010
When you walk the path of the soul, be very careful what you ask for,lol, because you will probably get it. Looking hindsight, I realized that most everything I asked for, i have gotten, but it was never easy. For a few months now, I have asked for the knowledge of who my "twin flame" is. I have asked for strength and unwavering faith. One that I had a long time ago, for some reason it seemed easier back then,lol, though the situation is so much more difficult then it is now. My panic attacks have gone from steadily growing to over the edge, this last week has been hell. Ans all I've really done is pray for God to take them away. The panic attacks strip every bit of life from me. Trying to grasp some bit of hope. i soon realized that I can't control everything. The things I want to control such as how long I'll live ect, is simply out of my control. During my darkest moments some things happend, my husband was there for me, with me and supported me. His compassion ans patience, he's my Angel and I realized how much I truly did love him. I realized how much I really do love life and I learned a very valuable lesson, appreciation. I saw my family in a different life and the things around me that seemed had a lot of importance, I was actually able to see the importance in that. But it's the littlest things, the simple things, my family, my health, my faith, my sanity, time, these are things that mean the most to me. These are the only real things that matter. I never realized how much I enjoyed laughter until that laughter was taken away. I never realized how close my family and I were until I was paralyzed from enjoying them. I never realized how deep my love was for my husband until I felt that I would loose him. I never realized how close God really was until I couldn't feel him anymore and he held me in my darkest hour. I never really appreciated my gifts until I lost them. Though the anxiety still runs through me, I'm learning again to lower the thresh hold by simply holding onto faith. I felt I lost everything, but faith is pushing me through the fear. I'm being shown how little tomorrow does mean, because tomorrow may not come, but I have today, so what am I going to do with it? I don't want to be paralyzed in fear about tomorrow, I want to embrace every moment i have now. I'm just now appreciating it, and I'm beginning to see that the big picture isn't so important, it's the little picture, the picture of my life and the people within it, that is all that matter's. It's not a contest of how many souls I can help, it's not about how famous a person can be, or what a fancy house they live in. It's not even about "finding your life purpose" it's about letting go and embracing the moment. What am I going to do with today? How will I make the most of today? How many time can I laugh? How can I show my appreciation to those around me, to God, to life? It's not about yesterday for yesterday is gone, nor is it about tomorrow, for tomorrow may never come, it's about today, it's about right now. Does this mean we should not have goals? of course not, it's visions of these that keep us going, but it's where we place the priority of these future things compared to the know. I often spent more time in the future and the past, that i never saw or even appreciated the moment of now. It's the present that makes the future and the past. What we do with the now, is what sets the presidency for both. Because of this, we don't need to worry about the past or the future, because what we do with today sets the course. When we live in today in joy and peace and happiness, this is what will set the course for everything else. And when we enjoy the simplicities of life, when we embrace the now, we live the life that we were meant to have. If life is a gift, then it shoud be revered as such. We can't control many things, but we can appreciate and show the appreciation to things that do matter the most. So what is the REAL secret of life?
1- Embracing the moment
2-Appreciation for our lives and all the things in it both great and small.
3- And Showing that appreciation.

So how do we show that appreciation?
by loving like we have never loved before
By making each moment count.

Finding My Life Purpose... Backwards

May 10, 2010
Ok, so I've done it all. I've read the books, I said the prayer's, I've taken the passion test, the empath test and every other test that has to do with who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I've meditated, contemplated, channeled, , begged, yelled, screamed and cried. I've fought the shadows and embraced the light trying to find out what is truly inside. The more I search, the more hopeless I become. Nothing seems to fulfill me. a constant circle of back and forth doing and seeing, seeking and finding to loose it all over again. I'm 36 years old and still no vision for my future.
I was outside today during my last break, It was windy and cold but I spend a lot of my break time connecting with nature and the Divine. I was out there again and asked "what am I supposed to do with my life?" How do I change things if I don't know what I want or know what I'm supposed to do. I guess I've been waiting for one of those life changing "ahah" moments where the planets align and all things are known. So my Angels asked me today, If you were on your way up to heaven and your life was through, would you leave this world satisfied, and feeling that you accomplished all that you wanted to accomplish, or would you leave this world with regret. I said that I would leave with regret. They asked me what I would do differently. I said that I would spend more quality time with my kids. I would be an author. I would help more people, to connect more with my spirituality.. How would you help more people? through writing books and the radio show. How would you spend more quality time with your kids? To have more fun, more laughs, more energy, to embrace my inner child and bring the magic back into our lives. To be care free. How would you connect spiritually? By being as dedicated to the craft as i was when i first started. Celebrating the holidays, to trust without reserve, to walk the path of mystics and to believe in miracles once again.
Hindsight is always 20/20, fortunately, I was able to see it before I got to the pearly gates. These three things are my truest heart's desires. The rest is still unwritten :)
If you ever want a greater perspective on your soul's truest desires, try this exercise. See your life as if it has already past.

Understanding the Dark Night of the Soul

I started this blog in the midst of some of my most darkest hours in my life. My journey began about 6 years ago when I was confronted with the dark side that I spent a lifetime running away from. I've battles this side many times now, this hopefully being the last. Looking hindsight, i think that these other times were prepareing me for the actual journey down this road. 
  It's not a journey that we choose, it's something that has already been chosen for us.It's destined.  Each person must go down this path . We may try to run or hide from it, we may ignore it or wish it away, but in time it will demand it's recognition. There is no escaping it because it is a part of us.  It's purpose is not to bring us down or to cause us harm. Though it is a very slow and pain painstakingly long  journey, it's purpose is to create balance between the dark and the light. To help gain a better understanding of ourselves, even the most hidden side.
 So, what is the Dark Night of the Soul? It's a period in our lives where we must go beyond the surface of ourselves and to dive in the deepest and darkest parts of our soul. This is where pain, sadness and self doubt have created their domain. This garden was created by all the seeds that we have tossed away and prayed would be forever forgotten. Though there is little light, these seeds grow by feeding off of the shadows within.
  When I started down the path of self discovery, it was because the shadows caught up to me and I had no place to run or hide anymore. There was only one direction I could go and that was inward. It was during this time where fear and panic ruled my every fiber. I couldn't live. I spent days crying and I had absolutely no idea why. I couldn't drive, work, or even take my kids to the park without having a major panic attack. Spirits taunted and laughed at me. My children cried with me. That was my changing point, to see the pain that my pain was causing my children, that day I made a decision. I wasn't going to be devoured by the darkness anymore. I knew I had to continue down the path in order to restore the peace and balance. I knew I had no choice but to clear away all of the past debrie, and so in the dark and all alone, i began to pull the weeds one by one.  I had to face the fears in order to know the truth of my fears and where they came from. I had to understand who I was and what it was that I was running from. With each weed I pulled, I held it tight. I felt the string of each emotion and each memeory it represented. I grieved. And when I was ready, I sent it to the light. Day by day, one by one.
   Most of the weeds are now gone and my garden, though still lives in the dark, there is now a small light that keeps the shadows at bay and allows my garden to grow the way it was meant to. It will never loose it's purpose, it will always take the unwanted seeds that we throw aside, and the seeds will continue to grow. But now we become keepers of the garden and we learn to honor and cherish this aspect of ourselves. We are no longer afraid of this side because we are now aware and connected to it's purpose.
   When we tend to our garden regularly we create balance within all aspects of ourselves for the garden will no longer be overgrown or out of control. We except this garden and cherish it just like the other gardens that we have and are no longer afraid for we are now connected. We understand that one garden is no greater than the other for they are all interconnected and bring us blessings in their own way. They are unique and different, yet special. When we honor the dark, we honor the light and therefore honor each and every aspect of ourselves.