Sunday, February 20, 2011
Today's been a yucky rainy day which always seems to get me down but always brings an opportunity for some introversion (hmmm, is that even a word?,lol). Usually when I get things down on paper it seems to give me more clarity. Today is one of those days when I think I could use all the clarity I could get.
I spend alot of time analyzing my life. As each day goes by, I get older and I feel that if I spend to much time thinking I will run out of time to actually do the things I want to do. But my biggest problem is really deciding what it is that I want to do with my life. I see where this road has brought me and it has been a very long journey. I look at my life on where it is and where I invisioned I would be at this point in life, and it dousn't quite measure up. I think I followed in my dad's footsteps. My dad spent his entire life working towards one thing after another and putting so much energy into things just to watch it fall apart right in front of him. Sometimes, I think that the dreams only live within our imaginations and are not meant to be accomplished.
My heart bleeds for my dad because I know the sting of failure. I know that his dreams are now dependent on me accomplishing what he could not, but I don't know if I can, for I have spent a lifetime with the same problem...failure and self-sabotage. The demons that seem to pass down from each generation have finally caught up to me and I see it seeping down into my children. The most dangerous kind , the kind that eats at the soul until there is nothing left but a shell.
I've spent an entire lifetime running, running from what I really didn't know at the time. I know realize that I run from everything I fear.Ironically, people would tell me that I was the strongest person they knew, little did they know that I am afraid of everything. My strength didn't come from my ability to defeat the unknown but rather to hide behind the fortress of steel that I have been building since childhood.
Five years back, I decided that it was time to tear the wall down and the floodgates , years of repressed emotions, finally overcame and I have been drowning ever since. Instead of trampeling over everything life throws at me, I now cower in the corner like a small child waiting for the storm to pass.The wall is completely down and I have nowhere left to run and hide. I feel lost and I am faced with the truth of that which is inside. How do you conquer something you can't see? How do you defeat yourself?
Not all of it has been a curse, however. I understand who I am now. I understand my gifts are the greater purpose behind my exsistance. I'm beginning to understand that I may not be the person I always envisioned but I am the person I was created to be and all of the gifts I possess are simply manifestation of who I am deep inside. This is what we all manifest. It's not how much money we have or if we become employee of the month, president of the whatever, none of this matter's. We're no here on a life journey, but rather a soul journey. It seems like a very simple revelation, but when you truly find the strength to travel to the depths of the soul, it will seem like the coldest place in your entire being, the darkest space filled with pain and suffering but this is the core essence of who we are, and this is where our beauty truly shines and where our purpose lyes for everyone.And this is the only thing that matter's.
I spend alot of time analyzing my life. As each day goes by, I get older and I feel that if I spend to much time thinking I will run out of time to actually do the things I want to do. But my biggest problem is really deciding what it is that I want to do with my life. I see where this road has brought me and it has been a very long journey. I look at my life on where it is and where I invisioned I would be at this point in life, and it dousn't quite measure up. I think I followed in my dad's footsteps. My dad spent his entire life working towards one thing after another and putting so much energy into things just to watch it fall apart right in front of him. Sometimes, I think that the dreams only live within our imaginations and are not meant to be accomplished.
My heart bleeds for my dad because I know the sting of failure. I know that his dreams are now dependent on me accomplishing what he could not, but I don't know if I can, for I have spent a lifetime with the same problem...failure and self-sabotage. The demons that seem to pass down from each generation have finally caught up to me and I see it seeping down into my children. The most dangerous kind , the kind that eats at the soul until there is nothing left but a shell.
I've spent an entire lifetime running, running from what I really didn't know at the time. I know realize that I run from everything I fear.Ironically, people would tell me that I was the strongest person they knew, little did they know that I am afraid of everything. My strength didn't come from my ability to defeat the unknown but rather to hide behind the fortress of steel that I have been building since childhood.
Five years back, I decided that it was time to tear the wall down and the floodgates , years of repressed emotions, finally overcame and I have been drowning ever since. Instead of trampeling over everything life throws at me, I now cower in the corner like a small child waiting for the storm to pass.The wall is completely down and I have nowhere left to run and hide. I feel lost and I am faced with the truth of that which is inside. How do you conquer something you can't see? How do you defeat yourself?
Not all of it has been a curse, however. I understand who I am now. I understand my gifts are the greater purpose behind my exsistance. I'm beginning to understand that I may not be the person I always envisioned but I am the person I was created to be and all of the gifts I possess are simply manifestation of who I am deep inside. This is what we all manifest. It's not how much money we have or if we become employee of the month, president of the whatever, none of this matter's. We're no here on a life journey, but rather a soul journey. It seems like a very simple revelation, but when you truly find the strength to travel to the depths of the soul, it will seem like the coldest place in your entire being, the darkest space filled with pain and suffering but this is the core essence of who we are, and this is where our beauty truly shines and where our purpose lyes for everyone.And this is the only thing that matter's.
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