Today is the dark moon and normally a time to take a break from our busy magickal cycles. For me, I've been taking a break for quite some time and feel that this is not the time to rest but harvest the power that has been lying dormant inside for so long. As the earth follows the cycle of the year, our lives also follow cycles, unfortunately it doesn't always follow the cycle of the earth, but the cycle within our selves.
This last cycle has been dark and cold. The winter storms have been harsh as ice and snow fought to keep my soul frozen in regret, depression and fear. I often tell people to honor the winter's in our lives for they bring with them important lessons, but somehow I failed to do this myself. I spent so much time in the darkness that I forgot what it's like to walk in the light. My connection to God, to this earth and to all of it's beauty was lost.
The whole time I never saw the purpose of this, why someone must walk among the dead when they are still alive. Barely alive, yet alive still. But some of the most difficult lessons are meant to be difficult, because without the dark we could not see the light. It's these times that force us to see the things we would not otherwise see and to make choices that we would not otherwise choose, to fix what we could never see was broken.
On this dark moon I honor all the storms that threatened to destroy me over the past few years. I accept this as a gift from nature, from the one above, from the "All That Is", for through these trials I realize that I am alive, I am protected and I am powerful. I lost this when I lost touch with the sacredness of everything around me.
I know my turning point, in fact I can pin-point the day, and something within me knew the consequences, yet I still made a choice. I was torn between obligation and and my own desires. I was on top of the world doing great things to help other's. I talked to Angels, working side by side to bring people the messages of hope and love, but somewhere along the way, I no longer looked at this gift as a gift but as a tool that denied me the same love and support that was given to other's. I didn't understand why I felt that way, all I knew is that I spent much of my life alone. Even when I was surrounded by several people, inside I walked my path alone. To be called to do such beautiful and sacred work, I allowed my own jealousy to get in the way. Though I understood the need of other's and I had no problems stepping up to help, all I really wanted was to feel that the same love and compassion that they sent through me to the other people, I wanted some of that for me to. The funny thing about being an Empath is that we can feel the extent of that love being shared to others and it's such a beautiful feeling, and feeling the love God so deeply over and over again and knowing that it wasn't for me but for the other person being helped, i felt so unloved, like i was nothing more than an old rusty hammer in a toolbox that was brought out everytime someone needed something and then thrown away again.
It felt so wrong for who am I to demand anything from the God that provides everything. Yet, I became bitter. Not that I felt that I should get more, simply the same as everyone else, yet I felt like simply like a tool that was used and nothing else. Like I had a purpose, yet no significance, no individuality, like I was being used. The feeling felt wrong but the logic made perfect sense.
He sent me 3 angels, 2 Archangels and my Guardian. I saw them and felt there love, and it was for me, noone else, yet I couldn't get passed my own self to truly see it. Things changed after that day. I lost something. I was blinded by my own pain that I no longer could see the light. Nothing felt sacred anymore. Again, I was alone. Everything spiritual has gone down hill ever since.
We made a choice to move back to California. I knew it was the wrong choice but my husband needed to go back and try once again. This time we had a place to live and jobs, it should have seemed like heaven, but I was enveloped in darkness. It felt as God had taken his hand off of me and handed me over to the darker realms. I became suicidal and i called upon God so many times. Every time he sent more Angels to minister to me, yet it felt that they left as quickly as they came. I was drowning in despair. I have never been so low in my entire life. I knew other forces were playing upon my pain and this made me even more bitter and angry.
My gifts suddenly became my curse once again. I didn't have to walk in the shadows because the shadows came to me, beating me down with fear and depression. My weakest link was the spirit realm, my biggest curse was channeling the spirits of the dead, those who have chosen not to cross into the light, but to hide in the darkness being prey to the minions who weren't human. You never know what true hell is until you have experienced complete separation from God and live among the dark.
My husband and I talked the other night about this. I ask him if I was responsible for all that has happened in my old town. When I was a teen, I played a game that involved astral projection and other metaphysical things. I was unaware of my abilities at that time, or at least unaware of what they were. I knew that this area had a type of spiritual nexus or portal. Little did I know at the time that we didn't open the portal, we WERE the portals. I'll go into this story another time. But I couldn't help but to feel that we opened a door there.
I never really understood why the darkness always followed me. My first spiritual experience was when I was 5 and channeled my first spirit. The problem is that I had no idea I was doing it, until recently. this started me on my path and I felt like a target. Most mediums experience the lighter side of spirituality and the spirit realm, but since the beginning, I only experienced the dark. I know the evils that dwell there and have fought it most of my life. They wait until I am at my most vulnerable point. It's difficult to explain without people thinking I'm completely nuts,lol. But he told me that my third eye was opened in the dark and I have spent so much time seeing the dark, that I need to return to the light and to open my eyes to the light. God doesn't need to show us anything because we are a part of him and were created to already know. But the darker forces, they want me to see them. They planted a seed in me many, many years ago and this is my greatest weakness. I know this to be true what he has said.
I thought back on my life and how many times the Angels were actually there when I didn't notice. From the time of my first channel to the last night I played the game, to the multiple attacks in cali. By writing this blog now, I now see where I went wrong. I see why I became lost and now see what it is that I have actually lost. I have lost the connection to the sacred. Everything is sacred and yet I don't honor these things. They may not be sacred to other people, but these things are sacred to me. God looks at us as sacred, because he is sacred and we are his children, therefore making us sacred. We must honor not only God, but we must honor the things within us. I went through those trials because I made a choice to hang on to things that I knew would destroy me. It's not the emotions that did that, it was my unwillingness to let go and to make him prove to me his love. He has done this in so many way's, and only now have I figured this out. There is not ONE time that I can recall that he has not answered my call. Sure it may have not been what I was expecting, but he was there. This realization has allowed the ice and snow to melt around my heart and to see things as they truly are.
As a Witch, As a Mystic, As a child of the Most High God, I honor the sacred love and understanding of God, I honor the gifts he has given to me and I am willing to dedicate my life to the work that God has chosen me to do. I honor the blessings that have been given to my family and I honor the light within others as well as myself.
This last cycle has been dark and cold. The winter storms have been harsh as ice and snow fought to keep my soul frozen in regret, depression and fear. I often tell people to honor the winter's in our lives for they bring with them important lessons, but somehow I failed to do this myself. I spent so much time in the darkness that I forgot what it's like to walk in the light. My connection to God, to this earth and to all of it's beauty was lost.
The whole time I never saw the purpose of this, why someone must walk among the dead when they are still alive. Barely alive, yet alive still. But some of the most difficult lessons are meant to be difficult, because without the dark we could not see the light. It's these times that force us to see the things we would not otherwise see and to make choices that we would not otherwise choose, to fix what we could never see was broken.
On this dark moon I honor all the storms that threatened to destroy me over the past few years. I accept this as a gift from nature, from the one above, from the "All That Is", for through these trials I realize that I am alive, I am protected and I am powerful. I lost this when I lost touch with the sacredness of everything around me.
I know my turning point, in fact I can pin-point the day, and something within me knew the consequences, yet I still made a choice. I was torn between obligation and and my own desires. I was on top of the world doing great things to help other's. I talked to Angels, working side by side to bring people the messages of hope and love, but somewhere along the way, I no longer looked at this gift as a gift but as a tool that denied me the same love and support that was given to other's. I didn't understand why I felt that way, all I knew is that I spent much of my life alone. Even when I was surrounded by several people, inside I walked my path alone. To be called to do such beautiful and sacred work, I allowed my own jealousy to get in the way. Though I understood the need of other's and I had no problems stepping up to help, all I really wanted was to feel that the same love and compassion that they sent through me to the other people, I wanted some of that for me to. The funny thing about being an Empath is that we can feel the extent of that love being shared to others and it's such a beautiful feeling, and feeling the love God so deeply over and over again and knowing that it wasn't for me but for the other person being helped, i felt so unloved, like i was nothing more than an old rusty hammer in a toolbox that was brought out everytime someone needed something and then thrown away again.
It felt so wrong for who am I to demand anything from the God that provides everything. Yet, I became bitter. Not that I felt that I should get more, simply the same as everyone else, yet I felt like simply like a tool that was used and nothing else. Like I had a purpose, yet no significance, no individuality, like I was being used. The feeling felt wrong but the logic made perfect sense.
He sent me 3 angels, 2 Archangels and my Guardian. I saw them and felt there love, and it was for me, noone else, yet I couldn't get passed my own self to truly see it. Things changed after that day. I lost something. I was blinded by my own pain that I no longer could see the light. Nothing felt sacred anymore. Again, I was alone. Everything spiritual has gone down hill ever since.
We made a choice to move back to California. I knew it was the wrong choice but my husband needed to go back and try once again. This time we had a place to live and jobs, it should have seemed like heaven, but I was enveloped in darkness. It felt as God had taken his hand off of me and handed me over to the darker realms. I became suicidal and i called upon God so many times. Every time he sent more Angels to minister to me, yet it felt that they left as quickly as they came. I was drowning in despair. I have never been so low in my entire life. I knew other forces were playing upon my pain and this made me even more bitter and angry.
My gifts suddenly became my curse once again. I didn't have to walk in the shadows because the shadows came to me, beating me down with fear and depression. My weakest link was the spirit realm, my biggest curse was channeling the spirits of the dead, those who have chosen not to cross into the light, but to hide in the darkness being prey to the minions who weren't human. You never know what true hell is until you have experienced complete separation from God and live among the dark.
My husband and I talked the other night about this. I ask him if I was responsible for all that has happened in my old town. When I was a teen, I played a game that involved astral projection and other metaphysical things. I was unaware of my abilities at that time, or at least unaware of what they were. I knew that this area had a type of spiritual nexus or portal. Little did I know at the time that we didn't open the portal, we WERE the portals. I'll go into this story another time. But I couldn't help but to feel that we opened a door there.
I never really understood why the darkness always followed me. My first spiritual experience was when I was 5 and channeled my first spirit. The problem is that I had no idea I was doing it, until recently. this started me on my path and I felt like a target. Most mediums experience the lighter side of spirituality and the spirit realm, but since the beginning, I only experienced the dark. I know the evils that dwell there and have fought it most of my life. They wait until I am at my most vulnerable point. It's difficult to explain without people thinking I'm completely nuts,lol. But he told me that my third eye was opened in the dark and I have spent so much time seeing the dark, that I need to return to the light and to open my eyes to the light. God doesn't need to show us anything because we are a part of him and were created to already know. But the darker forces, they want me to see them. They planted a seed in me many, many years ago and this is my greatest weakness. I know this to be true what he has said.
I thought back on my life and how many times the Angels were actually there when I didn't notice. From the time of my first channel to the last night I played the game, to the multiple attacks in cali. By writing this blog now, I now see where I went wrong. I see why I became lost and now see what it is that I have actually lost. I have lost the connection to the sacred. Everything is sacred and yet I don't honor these things. They may not be sacred to other people, but these things are sacred to me. God looks at us as sacred, because he is sacred and we are his children, therefore making us sacred. We must honor not only God, but we must honor the things within us. I went through those trials because I made a choice to hang on to things that I knew would destroy me. It's not the emotions that did that, it was my unwillingness to let go and to make him prove to me his love. He has done this in so many way's, and only now have I figured this out. There is not ONE time that I can recall that he has not answered my call. Sure it may have not been what I was expecting, but he was there. This realization has allowed the ice and snow to melt around my heart and to see things as they truly are.
As a Witch, As a Mystic, As a child of the Most High God, I honor the sacred love and understanding of God, I honor the gifts he has given to me and I am willing to dedicate my life to the work that God has chosen me to do. I honor the blessings that have been given to my family and I honor the light within others as well as myself.
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