It usually happens like this, in fact it never fails. People say that when you think negative about a certain thing, that either it will happen that way and it's no suprise because you already knew it would happen or you become pleasantly surprised. I've given up on thinking positive because every time I do shit just falls apart. I don't understand why life has to be so difficult. I've worked to so hard to keep the armour off, but it makes it nearly impossible for me to function emotionally. The walls kept me safe, now I have no refuge from the pain. I don't understand why things have to always get this way. I guesse I should get into what I'm rambeling about.
My husband and I had a talk on Thursday Night. He continue a conversation we had two nights before his surgery about how close we are and how we continue to get closer. He's never opened his heart this much and how he wants to open it more, to be even closer and stronger as a couple. He usually has a hard time expressing his feelings and this has been a sore spot in our relationship for the last 6 years, so when he told me that, I was very greatful and excited to see where our relationship would evolve to next.
Saturday comes and his mom and dad come over to celebrate his mother's birthday. He ignores me, which is weird because usually he will include me in the conversation, but he didn't even talk to me, it was like I was invisible. I talked him later about it and he said he didn't notice. Ok, whatever, so I got over it.
Sunday is Mother's Day. He get's up and hand's me a vase with two roses in it and a card the kids drew me the night before and say's "these are from the kids". The kids are still in bed. I told him thank you and asked him when he got them. He said he got it the day before, but their not from him, their from the kids. Yeah, I got it. So my daughter get's up around noon and crawls up on the bed and watched tv. About an hour later she asks if we were going out to eat. My husband say's that there was no reason to go out and we were eating at home. Nice, huh? So my daughter say's that it's Mother's Day. oh, yeah, i guesse that could be a reason. A little later my daughter get's mad at me for something and my husband say's "don't argue with your mother, it's Mother's Day." But it was the tone he used, like he was enforcing something he really didn't want to do. They day goes on and my youngest wakes up and dous his morning rituals. We finally leave for the day to go shopping. My husband reminds my son to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, and my son starts crying because he forgot. Again, the tone in his voice seemed almost resentful . My husband starts having some pain so we take him home. I go out and get a movie at blockbuster and some McDonalds for everyone. I bring the food home and make him his plate, serve him in bed because I know he's in pain and he starts yelling at me because he wanted hot mustard not honey mustard. REALLY??? All day I felt unvalidated as a mother, a wife or even a human being. It's been awhile since I have felt that low. I know that there are things going on and all I wanted was a heartfelt hug and kiss from my kids, but I guesse that was to much to ask from anyone. I never even got a :Happy Mother's Day from any of my kids, it was like noone cared and so I stopped caring to. So much so I vowed never to celebrate this stupid ass holiday again. And the most I got from my husband was , "It didn't feel like Mother's Day" , it's like saying " I know it's your birthday but it dousn't feel like your birthday so we're not going to celebrate it this year. You know, I know is probebly sounds like I'm whining and crying over nothing, but I guesse the hurt came because there was no heart behind anything done yesterday. So I went to bed waiting for the day to be over.
Today seemed to start off ok, in fact everything seemed to go back to normal until bedtime. I put the kids to bed and I was using my husband's laptop while mine was charging. I have a faulty cord and can't be moved around. Anyway's, his was plugged in but apparently the plug didn't work and his battery began to die. He had already turned out all of the lights so I went fishing for the cord but thought it was plugged in the outlet, i didn't know he put it on an extension cord. So I'm fumbling around trying to find the right cord and he's getting pissed off at me because I couldn't find it. The problem was that I couldn't see anything. But it's not that he got frustrated, but he said some pretty hurtful things that made me feel stupid and again, unvalidated.
What happend to all shit he was spuwing last week? I know he is on pain medications and I am sure this has alot to do with it, but it still hurts because I have never known him to be so callous or to yell at me and say such harsh things. I'm so hurt and I can feel the walls going back up. This isn't going to draw us closer if I do this, but I never thought that I would have to. I'm starting to become numb inside because it hurts so bad.
But the point to this whole long drawn out post is to simply realize that this is nothing new, this is the pattern of my life. Once I make a decision to open my heart , whether it be goals, dreams or to a person , soon after all hell breaks loose. It's like some strange force say's "ok, now I know what you want and I'm going to sabotage everything for you". I can't seem to get a break, it's a vicious cycle that never ends. It just keeps pushing and pushing and keep pushing back, but I am beginning to seriously doubt everything I have known. Pushing dousn't seem to help any, but if I allow the water's to flow, I will drown in despair.
IDK, I DON'T KNOW WHY THINGS ALWAYS CHANGE AND HEAVEN SEEMS TO TURN TO HELL OVERNIGHT. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm cursed, maybe I just need to see if my husband is asleep yet so I can go to bed myself.
My husband and I had a talk on Thursday Night. He continue a conversation we had two nights before his surgery about how close we are and how we continue to get closer. He's never opened his heart this much and how he wants to open it more, to be even closer and stronger as a couple. He usually has a hard time expressing his feelings and this has been a sore spot in our relationship for the last 6 years, so when he told me that, I was very greatful and excited to see where our relationship would evolve to next.
Saturday comes and his mom and dad come over to celebrate his mother's birthday. He ignores me, which is weird because usually he will include me in the conversation, but he didn't even talk to me, it was like I was invisible. I talked him later about it and he said he didn't notice. Ok, whatever, so I got over it.
Sunday is Mother's Day. He get's up and hand's me a vase with two roses in it and a card the kids drew me the night before and say's "these are from the kids". The kids are still in bed. I told him thank you and asked him when he got them. He said he got it the day before, but their not from him, their from the kids. Yeah, I got it. So my daughter get's up around noon and crawls up on the bed and watched tv. About an hour later she asks if we were going out to eat. My husband say's that there was no reason to go out and we were eating at home. Nice, huh? So my daughter say's that it's Mother's Day. oh, yeah, i guesse that could be a reason. A little later my daughter get's mad at me for something and my husband say's "don't argue with your mother, it's Mother's Day." But it was the tone he used, like he was enforcing something he really didn't want to do. They day goes on and my youngest wakes up and dous his morning rituals. We finally leave for the day to go shopping. My husband reminds my son to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, and my son starts crying because he forgot. Again, the tone in his voice seemed almost resentful . My husband starts having some pain so we take him home. I go out and get a movie at blockbuster and some McDonalds for everyone. I bring the food home and make him his plate, serve him in bed because I know he's in pain and he starts yelling at me because he wanted hot mustard not honey mustard. REALLY??? All day I felt unvalidated as a mother, a wife or even a human being. It's been awhile since I have felt that low. I know that there are things going on and all I wanted was a heartfelt hug and kiss from my kids, but I guesse that was to much to ask from anyone. I never even got a :Happy Mother's Day from any of my kids, it was like noone cared and so I stopped caring to. So much so I vowed never to celebrate this stupid ass holiday again. And the most I got from my husband was , "It didn't feel like Mother's Day" , it's like saying " I know it's your birthday but it dousn't feel like your birthday so we're not going to celebrate it this year. You know, I know is probebly sounds like I'm whining and crying over nothing, but I guesse the hurt came because there was no heart behind anything done yesterday. So I went to bed waiting for the day to be over.
Today seemed to start off ok, in fact everything seemed to go back to normal until bedtime. I put the kids to bed and I was using my husband's laptop while mine was charging. I have a faulty cord and can't be moved around. Anyway's, his was plugged in but apparently the plug didn't work and his battery began to die. He had already turned out all of the lights so I went fishing for the cord but thought it was plugged in the outlet, i didn't know he put it on an extension cord. So I'm fumbling around trying to find the right cord and he's getting pissed off at me because I couldn't find it. The problem was that I couldn't see anything. But it's not that he got frustrated, but he said some pretty hurtful things that made me feel stupid and again, unvalidated.
What happend to all shit he was spuwing last week? I know he is on pain medications and I am sure this has alot to do with it, but it still hurts because I have never known him to be so callous or to yell at me and say such harsh things. I'm so hurt and I can feel the walls going back up. This isn't going to draw us closer if I do this, but I never thought that I would have to. I'm starting to become numb inside because it hurts so bad.
But the point to this whole long drawn out post is to simply realize that this is nothing new, this is the pattern of my life. Once I make a decision to open my heart , whether it be goals, dreams or to a person , soon after all hell breaks loose. It's like some strange force say's "ok, now I know what you want and I'm going to sabotage everything for you". I can't seem to get a break, it's a vicious cycle that never ends. It just keeps pushing and pushing and keep pushing back, but I am beginning to seriously doubt everything I have known. Pushing dousn't seem to help any, but if I allow the water's to flow, I will drown in despair.
IDK, I DON'T KNOW WHY THINGS ALWAYS CHANGE AND HEAVEN SEEMS TO TURN TO HELL OVERNIGHT. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm cursed, maybe I just need to see if my husband is asleep yet so I can go to bed myself.
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