Last night was another rough night. I had another nightmare. I dreamt that my husband were going to bed and my son walks in. Next thing I know all the neighborhood kids were in our room. I started seeing shadows on the wall, orbs flying around and things moving. Suddenly the lights went out and I gathered all the kids together and instinctively I placed a protective shield around us. Inside the shield, the kids were in like a type of trance and i told them to place another shield around themselves individually. It was strange because I have never done that in a dream before. It almost felt like a conscious act. The spirit activity was getting insanely active as more obs shot across the room, shadows were everywhere, moving around, but they couldn't get to me or the kids. Another daughter walked in and said that one her friend's parents were in the living room. I went out to talk to them and they were dropping off both their daughter and son for a sleepover. I didn't want to take them. I already felt overwhelmed by all the kids already there and having to protect them. Next thing I know, there are several more kids there and I remember thinking that there was no way I would be able to protect them all. The shadows and obs were now chaotic in the living room and kitchen, yet the parents never even noticed. Some parents dumped their kids off at my house and left. The first set I saw sat in our living room and watched tv oblivious to everything going on. More and more kids kept coming. It was so out of control. I told my daughter to start sending this kids home. It was after 11:52 pm and the kids had school the next day. But more kept coming until the house was filled with neighbor kids. The more kids that that came, the worse the spiritual activity. finally I hear sirens outside and it is the fire department putting a fire out in my bedroom through the window. They told me that noone was hurt but none could leave because it was a criminal investigation. I woke up scared, searching for the shadows on my wall.
I have had spirit dreams in the past, this is nothing new, but they often leave me waking up terrified of the supernaural. I am proud that I was able to put the shield up in my dream. Spirit dreams for me often are about spirits trying to communicate. In this case, these were a combination of uncrossed spirits and lower realm entities. The activity has been building, and I have been meaning to cleanse, I guess this is my warning to do so soon!
I used to have lucid dreams when  was a kid. I wasn't able to control what I dreamt but I was able o control the dream itself, make conscious statements and action in a sub-conscous world. I thought i had lost that ability but I guess not.
I am wondering what the dream means. The only thing I can think of was earlier yesterday evening, I found out about the eclipse for today. I wanted to magickally embrace the energy to make some positive changes in my life. I also wanted to gain more psychic power being that I feel I have been in a rut. I was thinking about creating the ritual but figured I would simply ask. Ask and you shall receive. I think my desire opened that door for me, because in my dream, I could see them, all of them. Some it was through their actions, some orbs and some shadows. I never saw faces, but I could pin-point each one ,making it easier for me to get a sense of how many. I know there are some here, it's harder to pin-point them. I know I am not taking the proper time to read the energies. My conscious mind seems so cluttred with work and day to day stuff that anything lately seems almost impossible to tap into.
It's like i go to work and there are people around me all day. Everything is always so loud. Background noise, alot of activity, people talking, yelling, and everything else under the sun. I channel this energy into doing my job in front of me trying to block the rest of the stuff going on around me. But i still lack stillness. When I get home, my husband wants to talk, the kids want to hang out, tv's going, internet going and no matter what I do i just can't seem to get any quiet time alone. I don't blame anyone for this, but I know it strongly contributes to my block. I guess I depend on these dreams more then I realize.
My day's off are always the hardest. I usually have to much time to think about my life and how it's not where I feel it should be. I hate Arizona, I always have. I hate only having two seasons. I hate never having any money to go out and do things that I want to do. I feel trapped. We all do. I don't have any real direction in my life. I feel that there is a purpose with the gifts I have, but it doesn't bring us any financial gain. Not that I expect payment from the supernatural world, but it's hard to put the time and energy into my calling when I don't have hardly any left at the end of the day. The days seems to run in together and I feel that we are never moving forward. I know my husband feels the same. With his back, we just need him healed. It's that simple. It's so hard to balance everything.
So,back to the dream, what does it mean? Well, there are a whole lot of children and parents who don't seem to give a crap in our neighborhood. Their kids are always coming to our house to play with our kids. I bring them in when they are locked out of their house so they can call their parents. If they are not home, I let them hang out until their parents gets home. It bother's me though. I was kind of latch key kid myself, but I was always able to get in the house. And I was older, middle school. Some of these kids are like 8. So I understand the kids part and needing them to protect them. i also understand that the shadows and stuff could represent apathetic parents. So the theme, I got. But the energy I don't. It was fear. Fear of the spirits.

Time

In just one tiny moment your entire life change. I used to hate those tiny precious moments because I wanted to hold on to them forever. The pain of simply loosing that moment, my soul grieves. No matter how long I could hold on to that moment, the moment would just naturally pass, gone. Even though we carry that moment in our heats, it's just not the same when it's gone. Waiting so hard for that one tiny precious moment in time, spending years on blood,sweat and tears, just for moment to come and then pass so quickly. I used to think that all that work simply wasn't worth it, that the grief was to much to handle when it was gone, but it's those tiny little moments that we hold so close to our hearts, that move us deep inside. That one tiny moment when we realize how precious time really is.

We travel the path of time the moment we are born, yet I have also traveled the path where time ceases to exist.  It's in this place where I am all and all is me. This is the place where power is at it's highest for this is the place I am most connected.  This is the place where I reach your soul and I am whole, yet even the absence of time also ends therefore is also slave to time, for though those moments last as long as I like, they still end. But one critical thing is missing, the ability to touch and feel, the ability taste, the ability to make love, though it can be felt in spirit, it can never replace the caress of gentle hand across your face, the wetness of tears on your fingertips, the softness of a newborn. I know there is something within this I am meant to to learn. I know that all of these are connected, yet I haven't realized yet what or even how. So much power in spirit, yet it lacks the glue that binds life. It's not meant to be done independently, it's meant to be worked together, it's meant to be experienced together. Both good and bad, pain and ecstasty. It's a gift that the spirit world is void of, yet understands better then we ever will. I think I have always known this. I often live for a moment, moments I would spend a lifetime waiting to experience.

I've grieved death since childhood, because I somehow knew that to die, I would loose this gift. I would loose my ability to not only feel the depths of love, but to express it. I've listened to many spirits tell their stories, yet their message is always the same, appreciation for the physical world.

This where things get blurred for me. It's hard to experience life to it's fullest potential when we are bound by our physical needs and the inability to sustain that. I guess this is the price we must pay. We become numb, shut-off from one another, and maybe that is the point, learning to connect regardless of the situation we are in. To appreciate those things that we  hold so close to our hearts, helping us figure out what matters most. Finding our own reason for life. I know I came back for love, to find love. The kind of love that reaches to the core yet I found alot of pain. I am learning that pain is indeed a part of love, and for me, this pain is essential in order to not only find what it is I am seeking, but to keep it. Love is my purpose. Not just romantic love, but pure love, love that last beyond time and space. Love is the core of life. Love is the key. Happy love, sad love.
 I have to remember what I am fighting for. It doesn't end here. I'm not done. It's what pushes me. So when did I stop opening my heart? More important..why? Because I felt like noone saw me. I started feeling like the world's dumping ground, like noone cared about me and a part of me stopped caring about myself.

But the look in their eyes, that instant trust, knowing that I would not hurt them, that one moment, and knowing that it was me they choose. It's like handing over your most precious thing, the one thing that noone else knows and yet, you, this total stranger , they hand it over to you without a second thought. It's these moments that I live for. That moment in time. And at that moment, nothing else matters. I've become selfish. I wanted someone to wipe my tears, to feel my pain, but noone did and I became angry. I didn't understand why everyone else was important but I wasn't. I didn't understand why God would send them to me but would send me noone. But he did, he sent me himself, the only one who could handle it.

Betrayal... When self is more important that someone else.
I don't get it, I just don't, I'm pissed, I'm hurt, I should have known. What I don't get is how some lame ass doctor get's what you don't.  Everything I do is for you, but I won't let any one treat me like that without coming back at them,  by throwing it back in their face, because for people like, that's the only way they will get it and he did, but you didn't and that's what hurts the most. I could have gotten over him being a dick, what I can't get over is you letting him. He pulls this shit on me and I'm supposed sit there and take it but God forbid I do the same exact thing and I'm the one looking like the asshole. It's not right. Once I told him that he did the same exact thing to me and he disrespected me first, he got it.  Then when I told him that I was there for you, then he really got it, because he realized that we were both there for one reason and one reason only....you! But you, you don't get that, the only thing you get is me being a bitch and he's the nice guy that got bullied by me.
He doesn't see your pain, you want him to see your pain, all he has to do it look at me. This anger is your pain, I'm merely a reflection of that.  I'm the one that this there when you are in pain, I'm the one doing healing on you or trying to comfort you when your down, everything you ask I do, but I won't allow anyone to treat me like shit , not even for you.
I would never allow someone to talk to you like, never. If I had to see a doctor, I would never let them blow your opinion off.
I don't know, I gotta go to work so I'll deal with this later,......

Where Are You?

Dear God,
Where are you? I can't see you , I can't feel you, I feel like I'm stuck in this dungeon all over again, falling further down the rabbit hole. How many times are we going to have to loose it all? I used to think it was because of my ex and his insanity, but it's been my entire life. It never stops, it never ends.

I can't do this. I'm in a situation where I have to financially support my family and I work my ass off, yet it's not enough. It's not enough so much that we are loosing our home! It's not actually our home, it's a rental, but you get the point. None of this makes any sense to me. I do healing, yet, for others it works like a charm, but for my husband...nothing! So now we have to depend on these quack doctors and everything they do just makes it worse! They have completely disabled him yet they tell him to get a job and blow us off, we're not their problem!  The whole plan to come down here was so we could work and afford to simply survive, and we would have been fine, but no, that would be to easy. 

I'm loosing faith in alot of things, and I'm beginning to think I truly am cursed. It's not the people in my life, it's me. And when our physical lives get thrown up-side down, so does the paranormal increase. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I can do. How can I help other people if I can't even help us? I'm called to be a minister, but at this moment, I can't even minister to the dead!

For some reason,while on a short break, it was like a veil lifted and I'm seeing things more clearly now. If I can I will explain more later, but it's starting to make sense, on a deeper level. Again, with the greater good. I can't take this personally, by doing so I'm defeating my purpose and we will fail. I see this now, and I won't allow my family to fail.

Premonitions

Sometimes having psychic abilities can really suck,especially when the prediction that is coming true is your own. I did a year forecast last October on Samhiem for this year. I predicted a move in August which is now coming to pass.I was hoping it would be a move up but deep down I knew it would because our financial ituation would be worse, which was also predicted. The cards showed a negative change in income
and hardship for a few months and then a move and sure as shit, everything has come to pass, just as I saw it.
The good news is that change will help us financially but will take a few months for us to see,so in this sense,I should be happy, but I feel like I'm being forced to walk through the fire once again. Nothing is ever balanced. It's like either our finances are ok, and something else is lacking, or our finances suck and have to leave a job I really like.The older I get, the harder it becomes. It almost feels like a life theme for a lesson I never seem to get.It's always the same thing, the same story, yet it  feels like I have no control, like I have no say in any of this. It's like in life your merely dealt a certain hand and the lesson is merely learning to deal with what you get. Just like the song say's, ,it's not getting what you want but wanting what you got.

I used to look at my premonitions as a curse, then when I started developing my abilities, I started seeing them as an opportunity, like a universal head's up to make changed before they happen, but no matter what I do, the scene always play's  out exactly as I see it and no amount of magic or praying or even pleading ever changes it. People say premonitions and predictions are subjective and change, but not once has that been the case for me. I'm beginning to feel that they are not subjective and do not change, but merely giving me  a little time to brace myself for the inevitable.

I guess the lesson here is to be careful what you ask for. You ask to see the future and you will  be shown. The Universe doesn't care if you like it or not, it is what it is.  Life is like the ocean, some days are beautiful and calm, some foggy and cold, sometimes the storms are merely clouds passing through and sometimes it's tsunami's ripping through, destroying everything in it's path. But we're survivors and this to shall pass. I'm not going to cry or even get angry, I'm going to stand here with my head held high knowing that this merely another storm and we will make it just like we did every other storm and all of the others to come.

The Light

I know that we often go through hard times and often it is because there is a lesson to be learned, but somehow that excuse just doesn't cut it. True understanding must come from within, but the path of spiritual knowledge doesn't pay the bills. The balance between the physical and spiritual are often blurred. Mankind had evolved so much, I often wonder why we left simplicity behind. People used to take care of one another, now it's a free for all.
The greatest gifts are always free, but society has a way of robbing us from even that. Even mother nature has a price tag now a days. God always seems to provide one way or the other,it will be interesting to see how it will e done this month. The ship is sinking quickly and I have no idea how I'm going to keep it afloat. All I know is that today I was presented with a choice, do I finally put away my boxing gloves and conform to the rest of the world, or do I hold on to what is left of my soul and do what I feel is right and just, even if it means my family will sink? I can't...no, I won't compromise my integrity, I won't bow down and submit to the things I despise, I will not sell my soul for easy money. I do not judge those who can do this, but for me, my soul dies even considering it. But we can't loose everything either, for the first time in many years, I am once again  relying solely on faith.
Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I'm always so tired. This whole situation has taken a toll on me and I am not recovering as quickly as I did in the past. I normally allow myself the release to merely sink into the abyss and then climb back out again but that is a pleasure I can't afford to indulge in this time. Everyone needs me to e strong once again. It's hard when you feel so weak. I'm thinking my " away with the blues" spell may work.
It's funny because my husband keeps saying the reason why we are so poor all the time is because we are so pure. We always do what we feel is right inside and never compromise that, but after solidifying my decision right now, there is a light within my soul and I  know that I am on the right path for me,for us. The path less taken is always a difficult road to walk, but the riches that come with it, not even money can buy. The only way to e true to our God,gods, is to be true to ourselves.
Even though the road is dark, there is a light within that will always shine because I am the keeper of this light and I know the importance of not allowing it to go out. This light I keep close to my heart always. It is what guides my path and those who choose to follow. It is for all who choose to accept. It breathes life, it is life, it is the soul, the core of who we are.
I'm being called into a circle now. Take this with you are leave it be. May the blessings of the Divine e upon you.

The Eye of the Storm

Life has cast me inside yet another whirlwind. Tossing and turning , spinning us all around. Things have happened so quickly the last couple of months we never really had a chance to recover. We are still within the midst of the storm, we see no end to it any time soon.
We have been provided for and to be perfectly honest I do not know how we made it without loosing everything, and for this I am greatful. I have asked for this storm to pass, but instead I was taken into the middle of it, the eye,last night.
The day started out very unstable. I have felt the pull of energy the last few days and then Friday night found about the super moon, which made sense with the amount I was picking up on. The day started taking a turn for the worse as one thing piled on after another. I was frustrated and angry. I knew with the energy so strong this could be channeled, but I also knew I was not grounded enough to channel it into something positive. My husband came up with an idea to have a campfire in the backyard. This completely lifted everyone's mood. He began to gather some firewood and the kids some stones to create a ring. At 9 we started the fire under the moon. It was so beautiful.
     We did a little fire divination and my daughter saw her spirit animal which was the butterfly. My son's was the fish. I found another one of mine, which is the red dragon, right in the fire. The log had it's body and face, including the eyes and the smoke was coming from his nose. I was told that I actually have 4 and each one represents each element. I knew of the Raven, snow olw,  and the wolf, but now the dragon and then it dawned on me that each DID represent a different element. Raven and owl, for me represents air because it is a bird and flies. The Wolf always represented earth because it walks upon the earth and is grounded to it. The Dragon always represented fire to me. And a couple of weeks ago, I was drawn to a white Orca. I felt he was also leading me.
I started talking about energy a little bit to my chldren and so we raised some of the energy in order to make the fire bigger. We each took turns and my kids got to invision different things and watch it happen.My daughter invisioned other small fires and more tiny flames appeared and then disappeared after she broke the connection. My son wanted it to spiral on top of a log and the fire began to wrap around the tip.  We tried it as a group. Didn't work so well because our energy together wasn't in sinc. But it was fun to try. This really set a positive tone to the evening and helped me ground my energy a bit.
    I wish I had a bit more time. I could stay there for hours alone if I could.
But in the midst of the storm I was shown the eye and the eye is that of peace, direction and intention. It is a place in time where time stands still and all things are possible. Within this place nothing else exsist then the energy around you. It is yours to choose on how to use it. Last night, I intended it to be used for other things but instead it was used to help my children see the greatness within themselves.  To see how powerful they truy are.
   Each gift that is given to us is eternal. Once we receive it, it becomes a part of us. Now the eye is with me always. It is my refuge inside of every storm that will ever come. Had I been taken out of the storm, it would have only protected me once. But by taking me to the center and giving me the eye, I am protected from every storm forever.
If you are ever offered this gift, it would be wise to accept it. There is no greater peace then the peace that is found in the midst of total chaos. There is no greater moment then a moment where time stands still. And when you pray, do not pray for escape from the storm pray for the center, the eye, for it is the eye where your power tries lyes.