I Don't Get It

It usually happens like this, in fact it never fails. People say that when you think negative about a certain thing, that either it will happen that way and it's no suprise because you already knew it would happen or you become pleasantly surprised. I've given up on thinking positive because every time I do shit just falls apart. I don't understand why life has to be so difficult. I've worked to so hard to keep the armour off, but it makes it nearly impossible for me to function emotionally. The walls kept me safe, now I have no refuge from the pain. I don't understand why things have to always get this way. I guesse I should get into what I'm rambeling about.
 My husband and I had a talk on Thursday Night. He continue a conversation we had two nights before his surgery about how close we are and how we continue to get closer. He's never opened his heart this much  and how he wants to open it more, to be even closer and stronger as a couple. He usually has a hard time expressing his feelings and this has been a sore spot in our relationship for the last 6 years, so when he told me that, I was very greatful and excited to see where our relationship would evolve to next.
Saturday comes and his mom and dad come over to celebrate his mother's birthday. He ignores me, which is weird because usually he will include me in the conversation, but he didn't even talk to me, it was like I was invisible. I talked him later about it and he said he didn't notice. Ok, whatever, so I got over it.
Sunday is Mother's Day. He get's up and hand's me a vase with two roses in it and a card the kids drew me the night before and say's "these are from the kids". The kids are still in bed. I told him thank you and asked him when he got them. He said he got it the day before, but their not from him, their from the kids. Yeah, I got it. So my daughter get's up around noon and crawls up on the bed and watched tv. About an hour later she asks if we were going out to eat. My husband say's that there was no reason to go out and we were eating at home. Nice, huh? So my daughter say's that it's Mother's Day. oh, yeah, i guesse that could be a reason. A little later my daughter get's mad at me for something and my husband say's "don't argue with your mother, it's Mother's Day." But it was the tone he used, like he was enforcing something he really didn't want to do. They day goes on and my youngest wakes up and dous his morning rituals. We finally leave for the day to go shopping. My husband reminds my son to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, and my son starts crying because he forgot. Again, the tone in his voice seemed almost resentful . My husband starts having some pain so we take him home. I go out and get a movie at blockbuster and some McDonalds for everyone. I bring the food home and make him his plate, serve him in bed because I know he's in pain and he starts yelling at me because he wanted hot mustard not honey mustard. REALLY???  All day I felt unvalidated as a mother, a wife or even a human being. It's been awhile since I have felt that low. I know that there are things going on and all I wanted was a heartfelt hug and kiss from my kids, but I guesse that was to much to ask from anyone. I never even got a :Happy Mother's Day from any of my kids, it was like noone cared and so I stopped caring to. So much so I vowed never to celebrate this stupid ass holiday again. And the most I got from my husband was , "It didn't feel like Mother's Day" , it's like saying " I know it's your birthday but it dousn't feel like your birthday so we're not going to celebrate it this year. You know, I know is probebly sounds like I'm whining and crying over nothing, but I guesse the hurt came because there was no heart behind anything done yesterday. So I went to bed waiting for the day to be over.
Today seemed to start off ok, in fact everything seemed to go back to normal until bedtime. I put the kids to bed and I was using my husband's laptop while mine was charging. I have a faulty cord and can't be moved around. Anyway's, his was plugged in but apparently the plug didn't work and his battery began to die. He had already turned out all of the lights so I went fishing for the cord but thought it was plugged in the outlet, i didn't know he put it on an extension cord. So I'm fumbling around trying to find the right cord and he's getting pissed off at me because I couldn't find it. The problem was that I couldn't see anything. But it's not that he got frustrated, but he said some pretty hurtful things that made me feel stupid and again, unvalidated.
What happend to all shit he was spuwing last week? I know he is on pain medications and I am sure this has alot to do with it, but it still hurts because I have never known him to be so callous or to yell at me and say such harsh things. I'm so hurt and I can feel the walls going back up. This isn't going to draw us closer if I do this, but I never thought that I would have to. I'm starting to become numb inside because it hurts so bad.
But the point to this whole long drawn out post is to simply realize that this is nothing new, this is the pattern of my life. Once I make a decision to  open my heart , whether it be goals, dreams or to a person , soon after all hell breaks loose. It's like some strange force say's "ok, now I know what you want and I'm going to sabotage everything for you". I can't seem to get a break, it's a vicious cycle that never ends. It just keeps pushing and pushing and keep pushing back, but I am beginning to seriously doubt everything I have known. Pushing dousn't seem to help any, but if I allow the water's to flow, I will drown in despair.
IDK, I DON'T KNOW WHY THINGS ALWAYS CHANGE AND HEAVEN SEEMS TO TURN TO HELL OVERNIGHT. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm cursed, maybe I  just need to see if my husband is asleep yet so I can go to bed myself.

Exposed

I was standing outside tonight enjoying the solitude of the dark moon. . yeah, i know it's in it's beginning stages of waxing, but it was dark when i stepped outside. Though I enjoyed the evening with the kids at the skate park, when we got home the blanket of depression began to cover me once again. I don't know how it has the power to rob me of my happiness, but without warning or even reason, it shows no mercy.
 As I stood outside I began to wonder what it was that my heart must forever grieve. The darkness began to surround me once again, but oddly enough, I felt comfort from the dark, I always have. I never looked forword to daytime, it was the night that called to me. Gazing at the stars i began to realize how mysterious they are. And then i soon realized the source of my own sadness, mystery, the mystery and magic that lives within each and everyone of us.
As children the imagination is free to roam wherever the heart leads, all things are possibly and fairies dance amoung the glades. Children dance the spiral circle with all of creation, but as we began to grow older, somehow our magic is replaced by the illusion of adulthood. We soon realize that the world is no longer the mystical enchanted place we once played in, but a cruel land full of hardship and pain. We drown in the reality that the world bestows upon us and we begin to loose our sence of self, our own reality and soon the magic begins to die. Over time the raging fire of desire is snuffed out by impossibilities and death of the soul.
So why dous my heart grieve? because the mystery of life has vanished and the magic has run bare.

I began to think about when I broke down the wall . Among the vast amount of emotions that flooded out like a tsumami , to this day I am still cleaning up the wreckage. But it dawned on me that all those thing i held inside is what made my own mystery, the hidden things that worked behind the scenes that were secret and sacred. Amoung all of the wreckage, all those things i held secret were now exposed to the world, and i handed  all of it over  willingly. Was there nothing left? Standing into the darkness of the night,, i dove back into the depths of my soul. Among the dark, a little light shone brightly in the corner. As walked silently across the deserted ruins, i gathered up my little treasure and held it closely to my heart. Not all was lost, in fact the most cherished was spared...the beautiful gift of magick.

To Be Free

I have come to the conclusion that I spend more time learning and researching every topic that comes to mind, but yet I practice none of it. I have a vision of who I want to be yet when it comes to actually placing physical energy into it, for some reason all I want to do is lay down and cry. The overwhelming feeling of failure and self defeat seems to have become an unwelcome pattern in my life. I want to do so much, yet i feel myself pulling away when I begin to start the first steps.
      While i was sitting outside today, I began to question the things that I want to achieve and what it is exactly that it holding me down. What is this blanket that covers me everytime i began to take a step forward. What is this sinking feeling in my soul that everything is impossible. I came to the conclusion that I feel trapped. I feel like my soul wants to be free, yet it can't be. someone is always around. Don't get me wrong, but it's almost like I have no time to just think, meditate, to manifest the hifdden things within, because it's like always someone is always there watching, questioning me or making me feel like the freak I already know I am. Then I get angry because I have also come to realize that everyone is a freak one way or another , so why can't I be allowed to be a freak without question?  I can't relax, i can't be myself, i just want to be able to be free.

The Bigger Picture

As I continue down the path of self-discovery, I'm becoming more aware that the harder I search for answers in life, the less I find. If there is one thing I have learned is that I am a walking contridiction, I always have been. My heart seems to be on it's own frequency, as my mind and my soul, and when I say it's own frequency, i mean literally, each aspect having it's own agenda. Whichever screams the loudest is where I usually focus my attention on. The inner conflict feels to be never-ending. It's funny because I see so many people preaching about inner peace, balance and something about the cosmo's, yet when I read the books and do the meditations, though some questions are answered, it still dousn't leave me any closer to what my life purpose is. I've come to the conclusion a long time again that maybe our life pupose isn't something destined from someone greater than ourselves, well maybe partly, but we are never handed an instruction book telling us, "you are destined to be the worst first rodeo clown priest, you will not only make people laugh but you will also offer up confession before they ride the bull just in case you can't get the bull away from the rider". Life dousn't work like that. I am beginning to understand that we are with some natural born talents and gifts, along with a whole array of interests and passions, which serves as our guidebook for we also have a natural desire to follow the things that fulfill us.
We are driven down our destined path through our own needs, wants and desires. Sometimes it's more of an instant gratification and other times, it's things that are deeply seeded in our souls, which usually the instant gratification is merely a symptom of this. For me my soul always seems to cry out in pain for reasons that never seem to really make sence to me. Often i feel like I'm walking in circles and accomplishing nothing, yet when i look back, I realize that no matter how many times I walk the circle, the circle is never the same. The people are different. Some are still there when I come back around and other's have moved on to their own circles. The siuations always change, yet i always seem to grieve the loss, yet, I feel driven to continue waking and exploring new things.
The chapters in my life are many, and though some of those chapters make me physically sick, there is always something worth holding on to or to at least look back and see the worth in it all. The worst relationships I have ever been in produced the greatest gifts I will ever have, my children. I was also blessed with 2 father's who can't seem to get past themselves enough to even care for these children, and when I actually look at the situation, again I was provided with people that would allow me to move forward and not get stuck having to handle an undesirable situation. Though there is a huge part of me that focuses on merely the injustice of it all, deep down inside, i know their irrisponsibility is my gain. It's unleashed a stregnth in myself  that I never knew exsisted and has given me the freedom to make the choices I feel are best for them. It has allowed me to teach my children who to keep in their lives and who is poison and needs to be gone. I'm beginning to see a greater picture in the whole incident and that maybe their irresponsibility may have caused some harm but in turn has allowed me full reign to protect them from those people. Again, the contridiction.
Maybe I have underestimated my ability to see all sides of things which has given me a deeper understanding of compassion towards those I may not have otherwise spent my time with.
If there is one thing I hope to accomplish while I am on this planet, is to help make a change. The reason why I began this path to begin with  is because I wanted to be one of the one's who have come here to help heal the people on this earth, not hurt or hinder.   It's taken many years of heartache and pain to help me realize what my soul already knew. I am here for a greater purpose, we all are and that purpose usually runs alot deeper than a million dollar home in Pacific Grove . That purpose runs deeper than anyone can imagine and it's stored within the depths of our soul.Profound yet so simple, but once we discover our true purpose, it is lifechanging. So how do we discover it? Through alot of soul searching, our willingness to dive deep into the shadows of the soul and ability to let go and see the truth as it was meant to be seen. This often requires setting our fears and ego's aside and being able to discover the blessings within the storm. By accepting the possibility that if things would have turned out the way you  imagined, you may have missed everything. We can't look at our purpose from the outside, because it's not there, it's within us. We are given a million paths to choose from, and the greater picture is merely the knoweldge of knowing that no matter which path you choose, it is your purpose and all the path's will eventually lead you to the same place.

Temple of the Soul - Part 1

A friend gave me a wish today, as many as I wanted. All the stars in the world to make my wish upon. I began to wish for many things, well, not really wishes , mostly asking questions about different things. My questions soon moved into more sacred areas of my heart and I began to wonder why I can't move on. I thought back to a conversation my husband and I had last weekend,mostlyabout basing my importance on inner things and not outer things, for it's the other things that do not matter. I often suffer from "failure syndrome". It began in my teens where I just figured I would do something with my life, and as the doors began to close on different careers, so did my self-worth. In the end, I just kind of assumed that my life really wasn't worth anything. If I died tomorrow, my husband would move on and find someone else, the kids would have someone else to take care of them, and eventually move on. If the show ended, there would be other show's, other angel reader's, ect. So the question is, how important is my life really? Long story short, he said that this was true, but someone else would not replace how he felt about me in his heart, no one else would be the kids' mother, ect. If I went to school and got some fancy job making the mega bucks, if I left , they would find someone else, probably within a few days. A job is a job, but my family, my show, the people I help, that means something. Everyone has their own unique gifts, no one person can replace that, do it the same. So I been thinking about that, how I place importance on other people's lives, but I place no importance on my own. So he told me that I needed to put some stock into me, stop looking at what I didn't accomplish, and see what I have. Today, I took a trip into the past. I entered the gates of one of the most sacred places in my heart.My curse, yet blessed place. I began to ponder why I always came back to this. why can't i move on. I began to contemplate about my research on the soul.All the many different aspects of it. I often envisioned a path with many forks, our choices. But yet, even though each path has it's hurdles, it all leads to the same place. Yet, I'm not really headed to one place. In fact I feel that I am constantly wandering around, searching for something, though not sure of what. I have had several theories, but yet, i still had a difficult time understanding it all. Then, must have been my angels,lol, out of the blue, I thought of Indiana Jones and the temple of doom. It all made sense. Hang on, I'll get to the point :) I have a passion for not pain, but for intense emotions, because intense emotions are always filled with passion. So I have a passion for passion. Now throw in the temple of doom and the constant state of mystery and what do you have? The soul. Our soul is like the temple of doom. The temple is full of mystery and surprise around every corner and behind every door. Thousands of little crevasses that lead us to new worlds or dead ends.Booby trapped rooms guarding the treasure rooms. As we begin to travel into the temple there are so many ways we can travel. Take your pick of rooms and tunnels. Through our thoughts, emotions and spirit we begin to create more rooms. We are constantly searching through these different rooms. Each aspect, (the heart, spirit, mind and body) has been creating these rooms since we first began to exists and continues to be built through our experiences. This is why some rooms are beautiful and maintained and other's are dark and cold. Because we are energy beings, meaning that every single thought, every single emotions, every action energy is sent out and over time begins to grow. So when every time we go into a room, we leave and energy imprint, per sey in that room. We plant seeds. Each room also has a treasure in it. Some rooms are filled with booby traps, so we must either find the treasure and move on, or we leave the room with a constant desire to keep going back and try to look for it again. We are never satisfied until we find it. Some rooms lead us to other places, and so we feel the need to stay and build upon it. Some people will spend most of the lives in that room, building, sowing seeds and reaping the treasures of that room. Most of us keep wandering, searching room to room and when we find what we seek or simply move on, we are never completely satisfied and have to keep searching for more. Ok, now that we know these rooms are constantly being built and changing, and some are like the broom closet lying dormant for a time, let's go back to the energy beings part. Every time we step into a room, it will change because when we contemplate, or heal, or build upon, our thought and emotions have also changed, therefore we send that energy into that room. These seeds or energy we fill in that room will eventually sprout and grow. These seeds are the seeds of the future, When we spend a little time sowing these seeds, they will have a better chance of thriving and will begin to manifest in the future. We can also do this in our past, by going back to the rooms that hold our past. When we begin to work through the issues, spend alittlevesa, which also has an impact on our souls. When we clean out the closet of skeletons, we bring life back into that room. We discharge all of the booby traps to find the hidden treasure within. And the process continues over and over again. This is at least my understanding on how time duos not really exists, except to our bodies. When people talk about co-creating and being able to create your own life and realities, i think this is what they are talking about. I hope this makes sense,lol. It's pretty complicated to put into words. This is how we heal from the past, this is how we manifest our future, bu the seeds we sow in our present, because our present will be past tomorrow as well as future. Anyways thought this was cool. Hoe you like it :)

Temple of the Soul- Part 2

I wanted to take this post a little further and try to clarify a little better, What's it about ? energy. How profound and how powerful human beings truely are. People often ponder the ability to time travel. We often say, If I could redo the past, I would have done that, ect. When Jesus said that all things are possible, it is true. We were made of Divine energy. That energy resides within us. Like haveing children, when we have children, we pass our genes down to them, our fingerprints, per sey, and they are made from us, so they have a part of us within them always, whether we or they like it or not. Our energy also leaves a finger print upon this earth, on other people and on life. This has been proven through paranormal investigators who have found certain hauntings where the energy plays over and over again even though the spirit itself is gone. So every thought, and emotions are like spreading these little particuls of energy around. When we are in our present, those thoughts and emotions will set the presedence for the future whether possitive or negative. When thoughts, emotions, spiritual energy and physical energy all work together, then more energy is used to create, whether positive or negative. When we take a look at our present, we are actually paveing the way of our future whether consciously or unconsciously. Most people already know this though. But if this is true, then we can actually go into our past and change our past in the future. People usually go into their past, these rooms with lots of skeltons and cob webs. Sometimes we clean them out and other times we leave it alone. But we often are forced to go back because of the energy that we carry with us even when we are not in the room. When we go into the rooms of our past, the energy we leave changes it, but we also recieve energy, so some of that energy comes back out with us. We are ususally unsatisfied with those rooms until it has been at least cleaned up a bit and some things are resolved. Now takeing this a step further, because most of our more painful past memories or happiest memories are shared with other people, then we are no longer alone in this room, in this memory. The people we shared that memory with also revist that room, so their energy will often linger in their to. Now we can't make people go in there to clean up their own mess, it just won't happen. But if we begin to clear out the cob-webs and plant the seeds of understanding, forgiveness, ect, then when they enter the room, that energy also goes with them when they leave the room. I'm actually talking on a more literal scale. Now most of these people are part of our "soul families" and they often travel with us from life to life. So with some of these joining rooms "memories" as we begin to work through our issues and instill healing and renewal in that room, we are literally changeing the past, which in turn, will also change our future because these people travel with us.We will join together in another time. Everytime they enter into their own memory that they share with you, your energy leaves more and more imprints on that memory. So in a few lifetimes, that memory no longer exsists because you have changed and renewed it.This energy , this new energy is now planted within the other person as well, for they take it with them, and the seeds are sown in their soul, which over time, manifests in their own thoughts, emotions , spiritual and physical realms. So it is possible for us to change our past. We may not see the immediate results, but by changeing the past, we are renewing our future in other lives. This kinda takes away the theory of karma, because we are not paying back what we owe, we are makeing a choice to "remodel" the room. So everytime that you go in the room or they go in the room, each of you takes a piece of that energy with you, and if it's done with love and healing, this is how we begin to heal the future with this person. This can't be done in one lifetime, for growth can be slow, but over time, it is possible for all people involved to heal and rebuild to something greater. In the spirit realm, time means nothing, for the past present and future are all intertwined, this is the best way I can come up with to understand the concept of time. However, just as energy healer's can send out energy to a specific person and create a physical healing over a period of time, the same can be done for ourselves and the people involved. By renewing that memory and comeing to a place of understanding, we not only create healing for us so we can move on, we are also createing healing for the other people everytime that walk back into that memory. Each time they sit around and think about it, the memory will be changed. Therefore creating healing of the past in the present time, and changing that past in the future. The bottom line is that we can literally go back in time and "undo" or change our past. It's a slower route, but those seeds are planted in the future with the people involved and allowing us to "do it all over again". And since everything will be different again, then when we do it all over again, the situation will also be different. You will have changed and so will that person. And this is why it is so important to walk in the light. When we walk in the light, whether we do it intentionally or unintentionally, we spead that light to everyone involved in our lives, not only for our present and future but for the past as well. We will never be able to walk the same path from the past, because that past is an imprint of energy and that renewed energy is also a part of our future and will dictate how our future will be set. The people involved are also a part of our future. Anyway's witht his understanding, at least for myself, and I swear I'm not crazy, answers an important question for me, why do i keep going back to this room? Why can't i get passed this person. It's because this past room, this person is my future and I have done very little or nothing to it. I left is mostly dormant and have done little or nothing to change it. And everytime he goes into that room, he to has done little or nothing to the room, so things remain the same. So when we join up again in the future, things will be the same. And since this romm is a part of the temple, a part of our soul, we carry it with us from life to life. Jesus said that the kingdom of Heaven is within. So it also makes me wonder if we are called to rebuild the temple to it's highest form, each room, each aspect. And if the kingdom of heaven is within, then the kingdom of heaven is us. We make the kingdom, and when each temple is fully built, then we can join with the castle, per sey, up in the cosmos or heaven or whatever. Then we can join with our creator. I know this sounds completely insane, but it makes so much sence to me now, and i now the the importance of needing to make those changes, the need to continue forward and how unique an important each person is, includeing myself. It's not just me, it will never be just me, but because I share so many of those rooms with so many other people, I have an obligation to them and myself to create and build that room to it's highest potential. If I am to heal other's, I heal them by healing that room, because their soul is connected to my own, literally. Just as I connect with a person while doing a reading. Many people will go but some will stay. But their energy will always stay, as mine will always stay with them, so do I plant roses or weeds? There is no guarentee how the weeds will grow, nor is there a guarentee that they will pull the weeds. and if this is the case, then I have to be more conscious to plant the roses to help them grow, as to not help plant weeds that may assist in destroying them There is alot more responsibilty in this understanding. Yet, because our spirit is the energy or essance of the Divine, we are all called to do this and the spirit has a way of reminding us of this. This is why my life is important, this is why your life is important. We are building what we all invision, one soul at a time.

The Power Of Courage

Since we've been back life has been like a roller coaster. Many up's and down's, the love and enjoying the beauty, to real life and trying to find a job. Last week I was finally offered a job and I will begin Monday. I was so high (emotionally, no drugs,lol) that nothing could bring me down. I dropped my husband off a couple of days ago and that's when it began. Within a matter of seconds, I looked at the road and I realized how real the road was. I know it sounds stupid, but, by mind went blank and all I could focus on was how long the road was and I became afraid. It got worse over the next few days and my I started having really bad panic attacks again. I made a promise a long time ago that I would never let it get that far again and yesterday I was at that point. The worst part about it was I was so disappointed in myself for being so weak. It paralysed me. I couldn't even drive home, so I went back to my husband's work and waited for him to go to lunch so could take me home. I cried alot, I felt so weak weak and embarrassed of my weakness. I started calming down when everyone got home. and finally completely calmed down right before bed and prayed that they would take this away. When I woke up, I felt a little better. But then my mind started up all over thinking, analysing, trying to figure things out and in turn making feel panicky all over again. I had my husband take the car this morning and I walked the kids to school. It was nice but I was still panicky and afraid that I would have yet another day of hell. If anyone has had panic attacks you know well of the hell you go through of feeling overstimulated and feel like impending doom is waiting around every corner. I dropped the kids off and wanting nothing more than for this feeling to go away. I heard a little voice that told me to stop talking to myself and talk to them. It was my guardian angel. I told her the frustration and how badly I just wanted to live again. I want to be happy, but the wall always protected me from this and I want that back, but I don;t want to be detached again.Then I heard one single gentle word "courage". This was the answer.Not facing my fears, not analysing to death about my fears, but to simply have the courage to keep walking. The courage to embrace whatever it is my heart desires. I realized that this was the thing I was missing. I have been asking for my inner strength back and this is what inner strength is, at least the strength I was looking for. The battle with the wall is that I felt strong, I could handle anything. But when the wall came down, i have been searching for that strength again. I realized that the strength i seek is simply courage. Courage is the missing piece I needed , it is the foundation of what I want my life built upon.