Breathe of Life

    Lately I have been doing alot of soul searching, trying to find that missing piece in my soul. My journey for spirituality has been long and cold. So many battles, so many wounds, so many questions and so many dead-ends. My journey for answers have recently left me stripped of all belief. I had to loose to myself in order to find myself .I had to break free from what I was trained to believe and to follow my own heart to God. For most of my life I searched for spiritual truth and have lost the greatest gift of all...belief.
    I was driving to work this morning and the sun was rising above the mountains ahead and I felt something. I'm not sure I can describe it, but I remembered that feeling when I was 8. It was the day my parents and I moved to Louisiana. It was early morning and they had come to my school. The sun was rising above the mountains and I felt this powerful light, mystical energy and I knew that there was more out there then this planet. Something greater, stronger. I connected to an energy that was so powerful and beautiful that there there was no doubt in my mind about anything. I didn't know what exactly I knew, I just knew that at that moment I was....there. I was no longer in this world of stone, I was wrapped in the energy of pure light. It was so beautiful, so peaceful, and magickal, it felt as if anything and everything was possible, and I knew that it was.
     On my way to work, I felt it and I remembered. When I was young I believed and I believed because I felt it with every part of my being. It's ironic how I have come full circle and I had more knowledge and wisdom as a child. I didn't need answers, I just felt it, embraced it and I knew everything I ever needed to know. I didn't need to consciously know, I just needed to feel it. Angels were looking down on me that day and God smiled upon me. For a brief moment I truly experienced heaven. And I felt it again today, but more important I remembered. And I felt that same energy surge through my entire being. I didn't need to think about it, I just needed to embrace it and so I did, for that brief moment.
       I've spent so much time walking the veils of the dead, I truly forgot what it was like to walk among the living. I knew I needed to walk alone in the dark, to learn and to grow, and to understand where I came from. I was born the in the realm of Angels, I think we all are and when we come down here we forget where we came from. The veil is so thin and the connection is right at our finger tips all we have to do is reach for it. I used to think I was cursed as if God had turned his back on me, but remembering that memory and experiencing it yet again, I was watched over, protected, ....loved. I don't know why I stopped believing, all I know is that I did and finding out why really doesn't seem to matter anymore because now I know that his Divine light is always there and it's real.
      Mysticism isn't about finding answers to the unexplained, it's experiencing it, embracing it and walking with it no matter where it leads. I can't explain and after searching for logical answers, I don't want to explain it because it takes the mystery and magick out of it until not even belief exists. When we loose that belief , we loose ourselves and the soul begins to die. And I think that is why I came back. I don't want to tell people how to live their lives, I want to help guide them through the veil into Divine light and to remind them where we come from, and to embrace the power we possess inside. Life, not life of the body, life of the soul.
      

Back to Avalon

So I've asked for help. On this post I will share my journey. I call this a writing meditation.

She whispers to me " Come, come and take my hand, travel with me through this sacred land
The land lied beyond the soul "
  We cross through the vail and there is a large green valley before me surrounded by tall mountains. I often come here as it brings forth so much peace. The sun is rising from behind the top as shimmering lights surround me.
    " A new dawn is upon us. Upon you, What will it bring? "
    " I don't know" I say. " Likely the same thing that it always brings just another day."
    "what would you like it to bring?"
    " I'm not sure. To much thinking  makes my brain hurt."
    " That is because you are following the mind. Follow the soul." She say's to me.
    " At this moment all I want to do is to keep walking towards that light. It calls to me. I do not know what it brings, I just know that it is meant for me. To heal me."
    " Then that is what you must do."
    " I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that if I walk to that light, that I will not awaken. I'm afraid it will take my soul to the summerlands."
    " That is a different type of light. However, the fear is the same. Are you afraid to heal? "
    " I'm afraid of being afraid. I'm afraid of loosing myself. Yet there is a part of me that wants to be lost and to stay lost."
    " Then you are not ready? "
    " I just heard a sound right next to me. We're not alone. It does not feel of the light, but I can't see it"
    " Is this what is stopping you?"
    " It is what makes me afraid."
    " Are you afraid of your gift?"
    " yes".
    " what are you afraid of?"
    " I'm afraid of it consuming me. I'm afraid of not being able to control it. If I loose myself in it, what is I stay lost?"
    " Isn't that what you wanted, to stay lost?"
    " Only part of me. "
    " And why do you desire this?"
    " because the beauty is that solitude is peaceful. but the nightmares are worse."
    " There is both?"
    " yes, I see both, I live both. If my dreams become reality, so do my nightmares. I am not given one side but must experience both."
     " So what do you think you will experience with the light?"
     " peace that comes through death"
     " So you are afraid of death?"
     " Are you ready to live?"
     " yes, but I am not ready to die. And one always comes with the other. It's not always a physical death, it could also be a spiritual death."
     " But aren't you there now? Isn't that why you are here?"
     " Yes. "
     " So now that you have already experienced spiritual death wouldn't this light bring spiritual life? "
     " yes, that would make sense."
  The dawn has arrived as the light envelopes me. Washes me clean. I am surrounded by Divine peace and love. I do not feel worthy. There is still a part of me that is afraid. She tells me to let go, to let go of the fear. I rise above the ground, I am being carried. There is such a freedom up here. At this moment I an not afraid of falling. I should be but I am not. There is trust. I begin to grow wings and she sets me free. This freedom is so empowering. I feel like I can do anything.
    " when you rise above the things that chain you, all you will feel is freedom. Do you know why you feel so free?"
    "because my trust in my Divine was stronger then my fears. I trusted and was lifted up and carried until I could fly again on my own."
     "Now when you return will you be able to take that with you?"
     " I need to. I will. I don't really want go back just yet. When I do I feel so alone."
     " You are never alone. Come, take my hand as we travel to healing waters. Step under the waterfall and allow the blessed water to wash you clean."
     I can feel the water run down over me. It is cool.
     "let go" she tells me. And so I do. I can feel everything fall away. It's cleansing. I needed this. When it is finished, I stand back in the light and allow it to fill my soul. In this moment, in this sacred place anything is possible. I can feel it. I am empowered, I am powerful, I am clean and pure, I am strong. In this place I believe because I can feel the endless possibilities.
      " This place isn't very far. You carry it with you everywhere you go. All you have to do is keep the door open. Allow if to flow from behind the door. It's is mystical and it will always be mystical. Allowing it to flow into the physical world does not take the mystery away, it makes it more mystical, it makes it magickal. You are a Mystic, this will never change. Embrace this power from within for it is your power. It is both given and created. You are one. There is no separation. You are in the Divine and the Divine is within you always. It is the nature of all things. Hidden yet open. Hidden for only you can see it. Open for it envelopes every aspect of your life if you allow it to. Are you ready to return? "
       " Yes, for now I know where to find it. Everywhere."
       " Take this blessing with you." She blows shimmering powder on me. It is filled with love, peace and so many other things. Imagination, passion, healing, life.
   Thank you for your help. Thank you for your hope. Thank you for everything. I didn't get your name, I say to her. She smiles and disappears. No name is uttered. Truly my Guardian Angel. 
      

Last night was another rough night. I had another nightmare. I dreamt that my husband were going to bed and my son walks in. Next thing I know all the neighborhood kids were in our room. I started seeing shadows on the wall, orbs flying around and things moving. Suddenly the lights went out and I gathered all the kids together and instinctively I placed a protective shield around us. Inside the shield, the kids were in like a type of trance and i told them to place another shield around themselves individually. It was strange because I have never done that in a dream before. It almost felt like a conscious act. The spirit activity was getting insanely active as more obs shot across the room, shadows were everywhere, moving around, but they couldn't get to me or the kids. Another daughter walked in and said that one her friend's parents were in the living room. I went out to talk to them and they were dropping off both their daughter and son for a sleepover. I didn't want to take them. I already felt overwhelmed by all the kids already there and having to protect them. Next thing I know, there are several more kids there and I remember thinking that there was no way I would be able to protect them all. The shadows and obs were now chaotic in the living room and kitchen, yet the parents never even noticed. Some parents dumped their kids off at my house and left. The first set I saw sat in our living room and watched tv oblivious to everything going on. More and more kids kept coming. It was so out of control. I told my daughter to start sending this kids home. It was after 11:52 pm and the kids had school the next day. But more kept coming until the house was filled with neighbor kids. The more kids that that came, the worse the spiritual activity. finally I hear sirens outside and it is the fire department putting a fire out in my bedroom through the window. They told me that noone was hurt but none could leave because it was a criminal investigation. I woke up scared, searching for the shadows on my wall.
I have had spirit dreams in the past, this is nothing new, but they often leave me waking up terrified of the supernaural. I am proud that I was able to put the shield up in my dream. Spirit dreams for me often are about spirits trying to communicate. In this case, these were a combination of uncrossed spirits and lower realm entities. The activity has been building, and I have been meaning to cleanse, I guess this is my warning to do so soon!
I used to have lucid dreams when  was a kid. I wasn't able to control what I dreamt but I was able o control the dream itself, make conscious statements and action in a sub-conscous world. I thought i had lost that ability but I guess not.
I am wondering what the dream means. The only thing I can think of was earlier yesterday evening, I found out about the eclipse for today. I wanted to magickally embrace the energy to make some positive changes in my life. I also wanted to gain more psychic power being that I feel I have been in a rut. I was thinking about creating the ritual but figured I would simply ask. Ask and you shall receive. I think my desire opened that door for me, because in my dream, I could see them, all of them. Some it was through their actions, some orbs and some shadows. I never saw faces, but I could pin-point each one ,making it easier for me to get a sense of how many. I know there are some here, it's harder to pin-point them. I know I am not taking the proper time to read the energies. My conscious mind seems so cluttred with work and day to day stuff that anything lately seems almost impossible to tap into.
It's like i go to work and there are people around me all day. Everything is always so loud. Background noise, alot of activity, people talking, yelling, and everything else under the sun. I channel this energy into doing my job in front of me trying to block the rest of the stuff going on around me. But i still lack stillness. When I get home, my husband wants to talk, the kids want to hang out, tv's going, internet going and no matter what I do i just can't seem to get any quiet time alone. I don't blame anyone for this, but I know it strongly contributes to my block. I guess I depend on these dreams more then I realize.
My day's off are always the hardest. I usually have to much time to think about my life and how it's not where I feel it should be. I hate Arizona, I always have. I hate only having two seasons. I hate never having any money to go out and do things that I want to do. I feel trapped. We all do. I don't have any real direction in my life. I feel that there is a purpose with the gifts I have, but it doesn't bring us any financial gain. Not that I expect payment from the supernatural world, but it's hard to put the time and energy into my calling when I don't have hardly any left at the end of the day. The days seems to run in together and I feel that we are never moving forward. I know my husband feels the same. With his back, we just need him healed. It's that simple. It's so hard to balance everything.
So,back to the dream, what does it mean? Well, there are a whole lot of children and parents who don't seem to give a crap in our neighborhood. Their kids are always coming to our house to play with our kids. I bring them in when they are locked out of their house so they can call their parents. If they are not home, I let them hang out until their parents gets home. It bother's me though. I was kind of latch key kid myself, but I was always able to get in the house. And I was older, middle school. Some of these kids are like 8. So I understand the kids part and needing them to protect them. i also understand that the shadows and stuff could represent apathetic parents. So the theme, I got. But the energy I don't. It was fear. Fear of the spirits.

Time

In just one tiny moment your entire life change. I used to hate those tiny precious moments because I wanted to hold on to them forever. The pain of simply loosing that moment, my soul grieves. No matter how long I could hold on to that moment, the moment would just naturally pass, gone. Even though we carry that moment in our heats, it's just not the same when it's gone. Waiting so hard for that one tiny precious moment in time, spending years on blood,sweat and tears, just for moment to come and then pass so quickly. I used to think that all that work simply wasn't worth it, that the grief was to much to handle when it was gone, but it's those tiny little moments that we hold so close to our hearts, that move us deep inside. That one tiny moment when we realize how precious time really is.

We travel the path of time the moment we are born, yet I have also traveled the path where time ceases to exist.  It's in this place where I am all and all is me. This is the place where power is at it's highest for this is the place I am most connected.  This is the place where I reach your soul and I am whole, yet even the absence of time also ends therefore is also slave to time, for though those moments last as long as I like, they still end. But one critical thing is missing, the ability to touch and feel, the ability taste, the ability to make love, though it can be felt in spirit, it can never replace the caress of gentle hand across your face, the wetness of tears on your fingertips, the softness of a newborn. I know there is something within this I am meant to to learn. I know that all of these are connected, yet I haven't realized yet what or even how. So much power in spirit, yet it lacks the glue that binds life. It's not meant to be done independently, it's meant to be worked together, it's meant to be experienced together. Both good and bad, pain and ecstasty. It's a gift that the spirit world is void of, yet understands better then we ever will. I think I have always known this. I often live for a moment, moments I would spend a lifetime waiting to experience.

I've grieved death since childhood, because I somehow knew that to die, I would loose this gift. I would loose my ability to not only feel the depths of love, but to express it. I've listened to many spirits tell their stories, yet their message is always the same, appreciation for the physical world.

This where things get blurred for me. It's hard to experience life to it's fullest potential when we are bound by our physical needs and the inability to sustain that. I guess this is the price we must pay. We become numb, shut-off from one another, and maybe that is the point, learning to connect regardless of the situation we are in. To appreciate those things that we  hold so close to our hearts, helping us figure out what matters most. Finding our own reason for life. I know I came back for love, to find love. The kind of love that reaches to the core yet I found alot of pain. I am learning that pain is indeed a part of love, and for me, this pain is essential in order to not only find what it is I am seeking, but to keep it. Love is my purpose. Not just romantic love, but pure love, love that last beyond time and space. Love is the core of life. Love is the key. Happy love, sad love.
 I have to remember what I am fighting for. It doesn't end here. I'm not done. It's what pushes me. So when did I stop opening my heart? More important..why? Because I felt like noone saw me. I started feeling like the world's dumping ground, like noone cared about me and a part of me stopped caring about myself.

But the look in their eyes, that instant trust, knowing that I would not hurt them, that one moment, and knowing that it was me they choose. It's like handing over your most precious thing, the one thing that noone else knows and yet, you, this total stranger , they hand it over to you without a second thought. It's these moments that I live for. That moment in time. And at that moment, nothing else matters. I've become selfish. I wanted someone to wipe my tears, to feel my pain, but noone did and I became angry. I didn't understand why everyone else was important but I wasn't. I didn't understand why God would send them to me but would send me noone. But he did, he sent me himself, the only one who could handle it.

Betrayal... When self is more important that someone else.
I don't get it, I just don't, I'm pissed, I'm hurt, I should have known. What I don't get is how some lame ass doctor get's what you don't.  Everything I do is for you, but I won't let any one treat me like that without coming back at them,  by throwing it back in their face, because for people like, that's the only way they will get it and he did, but you didn't and that's what hurts the most. I could have gotten over him being a dick, what I can't get over is you letting him. He pulls this shit on me and I'm supposed sit there and take it but God forbid I do the same exact thing and I'm the one looking like the asshole. It's not right. Once I told him that he did the same exact thing to me and he disrespected me first, he got it.  Then when I told him that I was there for you, then he really got it, because he realized that we were both there for one reason and one reason only....you! But you, you don't get that, the only thing you get is me being a bitch and he's the nice guy that got bullied by me.
He doesn't see your pain, you want him to see your pain, all he has to do it look at me. This anger is your pain, I'm merely a reflection of that.  I'm the one that this there when you are in pain, I'm the one doing healing on you or trying to comfort you when your down, everything you ask I do, but I won't allow anyone to treat me like shit , not even for you.
I would never allow someone to talk to you like, never. If I had to see a doctor, I would never let them blow your opinion off.
I don't know, I gotta go to work so I'll deal with this later,......

Where Are You?

Dear God,
Where are you? I can't see you , I can't feel you, I feel like I'm stuck in this dungeon all over again, falling further down the rabbit hole. How many times are we going to have to loose it all? I used to think it was because of my ex and his insanity, but it's been my entire life. It never stops, it never ends.

I can't do this. I'm in a situation where I have to financially support my family and I work my ass off, yet it's not enough. It's not enough so much that we are loosing our home! It's not actually our home, it's a rental, but you get the point. None of this makes any sense to me. I do healing, yet, for others it works like a charm, but for my husband...nothing! So now we have to depend on these quack doctors and everything they do just makes it worse! They have completely disabled him yet they tell him to get a job and blow us off, we're not their problem!  The whole plan to come down here was so we could work and afford to simply survive, and we would have been fine, but no, that would be to easy. 

I'm loosing faith in alot of things, and I'm beginning to think I truly am cursed. It's not the people in my life, it's me. And when our physical lives get thrown up-side down, so does the paranormal increase. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I can do. How can I help other people if I can't even help us? I'm called to be a minister, but at this moment, I can't even minister to the dead!

For some reason,while on a short break, it was like a veil lifted and I'm seeing things more clearly now. If I can I will explain more later, but it's starting to make sense, on a deeper level. Again, with the greater good. I can't take this personally, by doing so I'm defeating my purpose and we will fail. I see this now, and I won't allow my family to fail.

Premonitions

Sometimes having psychic abilities can really suck,especially when the prediction that is coming true is your own. I did a year forecast last October on Samhiem for this year. I predicted a move in August which is now coming to pass.I was hoping it would be a move up but deep down I knew it would because our financial ituation would be worse, which was also predicted. The cards showed a negative change in income
and hardship for a few months and then a move and sure as shit, everything has come to pass, just as I saw it.
The good news is that change will help us financially but will take a few months for us to see,so in this sense,I should be happy, but I feel like I'm being forced to walk through the fire once again. Nothing is ever balanced. It's like either our finances are ok, and something else is lacking, or our finances suck and have to leave a job I really like.The older I get, the harder it becomes. It almost feels like a life theme for a lesson I never seem to get.It's always the same thing, the same story, yet it  feels like I have no control, like I have no say in any of this. It's like in life your merely dealt a certain hand and the lesson is merely learning to deal with what you get. Just like the song say's, ,it's not getting what you want but wanting what you got.

I used to look at my premonitions as a curse, then when I started developing my abilities, I started seeing them as an opportunity, like a universal head's up to make changed before they happen, but no matter what I do, the scene always play's  out exactly as I see it and no amount of magic or praying or even pleading ever changes it. People say premonitions and predictions are subjective and change, but not once has that been the case for me. I'm beginning to feel that they are not subjective and do not change, but merely giving me  a little time to brace myself for the inevitable.

I guess the lesson here is to be careful what you ask for. You ask to see the future and you will  be shown. The Universe doesn't care if you like it or not, it is what it is.  Life is like the ocean, some days are beautiful and calm, some foggy and cold, sometimes the storms are merely clouds passing through and sometimes it's tsunami's ripping through, destroying everything in it's path. But we're survivors and this to shall pass. I'm not going to cry or even get angry, I'm going to stand here with my head held high knowing that this merely another storm and we will make it just like we did every other storm and all of the others to come.