Dear God

Dear God,
   Did you ever sit up in heaven, before you created the earth, with a huge canvass in front of you and not knowing what you should create? Did you ever have a desire but not know really what that desire is, but yet feel compelled to fulfill it anyways?
   I don't know how you did it or how you continue to create the things you do.Each day I stand before an empty canvass and I just sit there trying to decide what to create. By the end of the day, I feel sad, because as the sun begins to set and the moon begins to rise, my canvass is still blank. I begin with a brushstroke here and another over there, just to rip the page off and try and start over again. How many times did you have to start over before you got it just right?
   Lord, I'm an artist without a vision, a painter with broken hands. All that is within my soul tries to find a way to be expressed, yet I have exhausted my passion .
    Did this ever happen to you in the middle of your creation? Did you wake up one day and realize that maybe you aren't a painter, but maybe something else?
     I feel clouded right now. So much emotion yet no thoughtful interpretation of all that is within.
Thank you for listening to me and for all the blessings you have brought to my family and I.
 



 

Why God Dousn't Answer Our Prayers

 If we bring God off the pedalstood for just a few moments and we look at him for who he truly is, he is our father. Now if you were a multimillionaire and had 5 kids, wouldn't you give your kids everything they need according to their needs? Say one is a drug-addict, would you give him the money? no, because you know that all you are doing is kiiling him, so instead you pay for 6 months in re-hab and a decent house to go to after he gets out, away from his friends so he has a chance to start over.
My point is that what you need and what the cancer patient needs are two different things. God works in mysterious ways and has a whole ton of people on his side working to help him fulfill what everyone needs. Now stay with me cause if I'm going to loose you, it will be here. There are two things I'm going to hit on, one is freewill and the second is soul desire. Many times God will try to help us and we put "stipulations" on him, so we say, ok God, I NEED money. God sees that you need the money for food so he brings someone your way to direct you to where to get some food or hand's you a gift card to Safeway. We are happy for the food, but soon the food will run out, so we tell God, I don't want the food, I need a job. The next day a friend takes you to lunch at McDonalds and there is a sign that says' Now hiring".  You blow the sign off because your a contracter not a cashier, but GOD knows that buissness is slow and this job help you pay your bills until the job you want opens up. Then we cry to God asking why we can't have a job. He brought us to the job but  WE chose not to take what he gave us. ( freewill)  You see what I mean? He did provide but our own will pretty much blew it.
  Sometimes we want help with something  and even though the end result is good,things have to get worse before they get better. Then we get mad at God for making us go through that, but because the world is the way it is and he has to get around everyone else's free will on top of it...it can be pretty tricky,
    Ok, sould desire. This one is a bit more complicated to explain. Our soul is the core of our being. We have thoughts and emotions ( things I call surface emotions) because these things run in layers. The soul often has it's own agenda and what manifests are usually the desires of the soul and not the desires of the mind and this is why therapy usually takes years,lol.
  For example your desire is to be rich and famous. You have your dream home and car already picked out. Going a little deeper , you really dont like the lifestyle of the rich and famous nor do you like standing up in front of a crowd of a hundred people. The reason why you don't like it is because you view these people as shallow and self-obsorbed. The reason why you don't like these people is because they  look down on people who are not in their same class of people and treat them as they are not worth the air they breathe. This reminds you of your dad and how he treated you when you didn't live up to his standards. This makes you angry and upset and you begin to realize that all you wanted  was to to feel respected and accepted. So your soul's desire dousn't want to be rich and famous, it just wants to to feel loved and accepted.
  This is another reason why prayers aren't answered in the way we invision, because out truest desires are the one's that manifest.This is the energy you send out to the universe, your core energy, and this is the energy that will be brought to you , but because it is deeper, we often don't realize what we send out. This is part of the reason why we attract the people and situations we do. So I am a tue believer that every prayer gets answered even when we don't realize we prayed for it,lol. 
  Now we gotta go into the "greater plan" . This plan is the plan that is set in motion that not even free will can counteract that grand scheme. Meaning if someone did something stupid that would cause a person to live or die, if part of the plan was keep them alive because they had a purpose later on, then the stupid action of the one individual will have little effect on what should have happend. These are usually what we call miracles, divine intervention , or whatever you choose to call them .Where the bullet was just millimtetrs from you and there was no way it could have missed, but somehow it did. This is because the freewill of the person shooting the gun was intercepted for the greater good. This could happen in many situations in life.
   The bottomline is, God, or whoever loves you, takes a personal interest in everyone and everything. We have the ability to choose how close or how far away we are from him. We are not a burden, we are no less worthy than the other because we are all his children. That might seems like alot of kids to care  but like I said before, he has alot of nannies on his side and he doesn't pick favorites.
  Every prayer is answered one way or the other, but are we accepting it?

The REAL Secret Of Life

April 17, 2010
When you walk the path of the soul, be very careful what you ask for,lol, because you will probably get it. Looking hindsight, I realized that most everything I asked for, i have gotten, but it was never easy. For a few months now, I have asked for the knowledge of who my "twin flame" is. I have asked for strength and unwavering faith. One that I had a long time ago, for some reason it seemed easier back then,lol, though the situation is so much more difficult then it is now. My panic attacks have gone from steadily growing to over the edge, this last week has been hell. Ans all I've really done is pray for God to take them away. The panic attacks strip every bit of life from me. Trying to grasp some bit of hope. i soon realized that I can't control everything. The things I want to control such as how long I'll live ect, is simply out of my control. During my darkest moments some things happend, my husband was there for me, with me and supported me. His compassion ans patience, he's my Angel and I realized how much I truly did love him. I realized how much I really do love life and I learned a very valuable lesson, appreciation. I saw my family in a different life and the things around me that seemed had a lot of importance, I was actually able to see the importance in that. But it's the littlest things, the simple things, my family, my health, my faith, my sanity, time, these are things that mean the most to me. These are the only real things that matter. I never realized how much I enjoyed laughter until that laughter was taken away. I never realized how close my family and I were until I was paralyzed from enjoying them. I never realized how deep my love was for my husband until I felt that I would loose him. I never realized how close God really was until I couldn't feel him anymore and he held me in my darkest hour. I never really appreciated my gifts until I lost them. Though the anxiety still runs through me, I'm learning again to lower the thresh hold by simply holding onto faith. I felt I lost everything, but faith is pushing me through the fear. I'm being shown how little tomorrow does mean, because tomorrow may not come, but I have today, so what am I going to do with it? I don't want to be paralyzed in fear about tomorrow, I want to embrace every moment i have now. I'm just now appreciating it, and I'm beginning to see that the big picture isn't so important, it's the little picture, the picture of my life and the people within it, that is all that matter's. It's not a contest of how many souls I can help, it's not about how famous a person can be, or what a fancy house they live in. It's not even about "finding your life purpose" it's about letting go and embracing the moment. What am I going to do with today? How will I make the most of today? How many time can I laugh? How can I show my appreciation to those around me, to God, to life? It's not about yesterday for yesterday is gone, nor is it about tomorrow, for tomorrow may never come, it's about today, it's about right now. Does this mean we should not have goals? of course not, it's visions of these that keep us going, but it's where we place the priority of these future things compared to the know. I often spent more time in the future and the past, that i never saw or even appreciated the moment of now. It's the present that makes the future and the past. What we do with the now, is what sets the presidency for both. Because of this, we don't need to worry about the past or the future, because what we do with today sets the course. When we live in today in joy and peace and happiness, this is what will set the course for everything else. And when we enjoy the simplicities of life, when we embrace the now, we live the life that we were meant to have. If life is a gift, then it shoud be revered as such. We can't control many things, but we can appreciate and show the appreciation to things that do matter the most. So what is the REAL secret of life?
1- Embracing the moment
2-Appreciation for our lives and all the things in it both great and small.
3- And Showing that appreciation.

So how do we show that appreciation?
by loving like we have never loved before
By making each moment count.

Finding My Life Purpose... Backwards

May 10, 2010
Ok, so I've done it all. I've read the books, I said the prayer's, I've taken the passion test, the empath test and every other test that has to do with who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I've meditated, contemplated, channeled, , begged, yelled, screamed and cried. I've fought the shadows and embraced the light trying to find out what is truly inside. The more I search, the more hopeless I become. Nothing seems to fulfill me. a constant circle of back and forth doing and seeing, seeking and finding to loose it all over again. I'm 36 years old and still no vision for my future.
I was outside today during my last break, It was windy and cold but I spend a lot of my break time connecting with nature and the Divine. I was out there again and asked "what am I supposed to do with my life?" How do I change things if I don't know what I want or know what I'm supposed to do. I guess I've been waiting for one of those life changing "ahah" moments where the planets align and all things are known. So my Angels asked me today, If you were on your way up to heaven and your life was through, would you leave this world satisfied, and feeling that you accomplished all that you wanted to accomplish, or would you leave this world with regret. I said that I would leave with regret. They asked me what I would do differently. I said that I would spend more quality time with my kids. I would be an author. I would help more people, to connect more with my spirituality.. How would you help more people? through writing books and the radio show. How would you spend more quality time with your kids? To have more fun, more laughs, more energy, to embrace my inner child and bring the magic back into our lives. To be care free. How would you connect spiritually? By being as dedicated to the craft as i was when i first started. Celebrating the holidays, to trust without reserve, to walk the path of mystics and to believe in miracles once again.
Hindsight is always 20/20, fortunately, I was able to see it before I got to the pearly gates. These three things are my truest heart's desires. The rest is still unwritten :)
If you ever want a greater perspective on your soul's truest desires, try this exercise. See your life as if it has already past.

Understanding the Dark Night of the Soul

I started this blog in the midst of some of my most darkest hours in my life. My journey began about 6 years ago when I was confronted with the dark side that I spent a lifetime running away from. I've battles this side many times now, this hopefully being the last. Looking hindsight, i think that these other times were prepareing me for the actual journey down this road. 
  It's not a journey that we choose, it's something that has already been chosen for us.It's destined.  Each person must go down this path . We may try to run or hide from it, we may ignore it or wish it away, but in time it will demand it's recognition. There is no escaping it because it is a part of us.  It's purpose is not to bring us down or to cause us harm. Though it is a very slow and pain painstakingly long  journey, it's purpose is to create balance between the dark and the light. To help gain a better understanding of ourselves, even the most hidden side.
 So, what is the Dark Night of the Soul? It's a period in our lives where we must go beyond the surface of ourselves and to dive in the deepest and darkest parts of our soul. This is where pain, sadness and self doubt have created their domain. This garden was created by all the seeds that we have tossed away and prayed would be forever forgotten. Though there is little light, these seeds grow by feeding off of the shadows within.
  When I started down the path of self discovery, it was because the shadows caught up to me and I had no place to run or hide anymore. There was only one direction I could go and that was inward. It was during this time where fear and panic ruled my every fiber. I couldn't live. I spent days crying and I had absolutely no idea why. I couldn't drive, work, or even take my kids to the park without having a major panic attack. Spirits taunted and laughed at me. My children cried with me. That was my changing point, to see the pain that my pain was causing my children, that day I made a decision. I wasn't going to be devoured by the darkness anymore. I knew I had to continue down the path in order to restore the peace and balance. I knew I had no choice but to clear away all of the past debrie, and so in the dark and all alone, i began to pull the weeds one by one.  I had to face the fears in order to know the truth of my fears and where they came from. I had to understand who I was and what it was that I was running from. With each weed I pulled, I held it tight. I felt the string of each emotion and each memeory it represented. I grieved. And when I was ready, I sent it to the light. Day by day, one by one.
   Most of the weeds are now gone and my garden, though still lives in the dark, there is now a small light that keeps the shadows at bay and allows my garden to grow the way it was meant to. It will never loose it's purpose, it will always take the unwanted seeds that we throw aside, and the seeds will continue to grow. But now we become keepers of the garden and we learn to honor and cherish this aspect of ourselves. We are no longer afraid of this side because we are now aware and connected to it's purpose.
   When we tend to our garden regularly we create balance within all aspects of ourselves for the garden will no longer be overgrown or out of control. We except this garden and cherish it just like the other gardens that we have and are no longer afraid for we are now connected. We understand that one garden is no greater than the other for they are all interconnected and bring us blessings in their own way. They are unique and different, yet special. When we honor the dark, we honor the light and therefore honor each and every aspect of ourselves.
 

Today is the last day of the dark moon and tomarrow begins a brand new month. The slate is before me, so what am I going to draw?
I did some research online AGAIN, about going back into doing the "phone psychic" thing, but my heart really isn't into it. I've done this before and it brought little to no joy to me. People spend alot of money on readings and not only do you have to be at being a psychic, you have to be able to bend your own rules "to make the customer happy". The type of readings I do are not "feel good" readings, they are meant to dive deeper within and to truly help. On the forums and when I had my show, this fulfilled me because for the most part it really did help people. It felt good, but I can't make a living if I don't charge, so there is a little problem here.
I do have a web-site and have only had 1 purchase fro a reading, which went very well and it was for a friend. This way seems to be more ethical and more "real". I don't want to be some fast food psychic who will promise the world by giving out common sense advice. It's just not me.

So I look at alternatives. I have gone to many sites that appear to be more successful and people flock to these like mad. Sure I could probably market this as well and make alot of money off of someone else's theories and thoughts, but I don't even believe in half the crap they teach, yet it's the "popular" way to spirituality and people are making a killing off of this, I can't do this, by ignoring my soul, i ignore who I am.
  I can't "sell a product" if i don't even believe it myself and I know this, yet, i have a hard time getting past the lifestyles of others.
   I know I need to make a decision and it's hard when different parts of my wants different things. I want what other people want and provide this to my family, but I won't sell my soul for it, nor would I intentionally cause harm to others.  But I need a vision, a direction. Most of the information given to me is free and I don't really feel i have the right to charge others for that, or to charge others for the use of my abilities, for this was given to me to keep and to use to God's highest will. I think the best thing for me to do is to tap into some of my other interests, such as writing stories and books and keeping everything else on a donation level.
I'm not sure what I should do at the momet but I do feel that I should just follow my heart and leave our finances up to God, he will provide what we need. i just need to take those steps forward and see where he takes it.
I think my goals for this month is to focus a little more time on my writing. I have a children's book that I sold to a web-site, but I got to keep all the rights. I think it's time to get ready and take my furry little friend to the market and spend a little more time connecting with God and maybe sharing this experience on youtube or something. I will also take this month to try and find a more concrete route in life and in my career path.

The Sacred Act of God

  Today is the dark moon and normally a time to take a break from our busy magickal cycles. For me, I've been taking a break for quite some time and feel that this is not the time to rest but harvest the power that has been lying dormant inside for so long. As the earth follows the cycle of the year, our lives also follow cycles, unfortunately it doesn't always follow the cycle of the earth, but the cycle within our selves.
  This last cycle has been dark and cold. The winter storms have been harsh as ice and snow fought to keep my soul frozen in regret, depression and fear. I often tell people to honor the winter's in our lives for they bring with them important lessons, but somehow I failed to do this myself. I spent so much time in the darkness that I forgot what it's like to walk in the light. My connection to God, to this earth and to all of it's beauty was lost.
  The whole time I never saw the purpose of this, why someone must walk among the dead when they are still alive. Barely alive, yet alive still. But some of the most difficult lessons are meant to be difficult, because without the dark we could not see the light. It's these times that force us to see the things we would not otherwise see and to make choices that we would not otherwise choose, to fix what we could never see was broken.
  On this dark moon I honor all the storms that threatened to destroy me over the past few years. I accept this as a gift from nature, from the one above, from the "All That Is", for through these trials I realize that I am alive, I am protected and I am powerful. I lost this when I lost touch with the sacredness of everything around me.
  I know my turning point, in fact I can pin-point the day, and something within me knew the consequences, yet I still made a choice. I was torn between obligation and and my own desires. I was on top of the world doing great things to help other's. I talked to Angels, working side by side to bring people the messages of hope and love, but somewhere along the way, I no longer looked at this gift as a gift but as a tool that denied me the same love and support that was given to other's. I didn't understand why I felt that way, all I knew is that I spent much of my life alone. Even when I was surrounded by several people, inside I walked my path alone. To be called to do such beautiful and sacred work, I allowed my own jealousy to get in the way. Though I understood the need of other's and I had no problems stepping up to help, all I really wanted was to feel that the same love and compassion that they sent through me to the other people, I wanted some of that for me to. The funny thing about being an Empath is that we can feel the extent of that love being shared to others and it's such a beautiful feeling, and feeling the love God so deeply over and over again and knowing that it wasn't for me but for the other person being helped, i felt so unloved, like i was nothing more than an old rusty hammer in a toolbox that was brought out everytime someone needed something and then thrown away again.
  It felt so wrong for who am I to demand anything from the God that provides everything. Yet, I became bitter. Not that I felt that I should get more, simply the same as everyone else, yet I felt like simply like a tool that was used and nothing else. Like I had a purpose, yet no significance, no individuality, like I was being used. The feeling felt wrong but the logic made perfect sense.
  He sent me 3 angels, 2 Archangels and my Guardian. I saw them and felt there love, and it was for me, noone else, yet I couldn't get passed my own self to truly see it. Things changed after that day. I lost something. I was blinded by my own pain that I no longer could see the light. Nothing felt sacred anymore. Again, I was alone. Everything spiritual has gone down hill ever since.
  We made a choice to move back to California. I knew it was the wrong choice but my husband needed to go back and try once again. This time we had a place to live and jobs, it should have seemed like heaven, but I was enveloped in darkness. It felt as God had taken his hand off of me and handed me over to the darker realms. I became suicidal and i called upon God so many times. Every time he sent more Angels to minister to me, yet it felt that they left as quickly as they came. I was drowning in despair. I have never been so low in my entire life. I knew other forces were playing upon my pain and this made me even more bitter and angry. 
  My gifts suddenly became my curse once again. I didn't have to walk in the shadows because the shadows came to me, beating me down with fear and depression. My weakest link was the spirit realm, my biggest curse was channeling the spirits of the dead, those who have chosen not to cross into the light, but to hide in the darkness being prey to the minions who weren't human. You never know what true hell is until you have experienced complete separation from God and live among the dark.
  My husband and I talked the other night about this. I ask him if I was responsible for all that has happened in my old town. When I was a teen, I played a game that involved astral projection and other metaphysical things. I was unaware of my abilities at that time, or at least unaware of what they were. I knew that this area had a type of spiritual nexus or portal. Little did I know at the time that we didn't open the portal, we WERE the portals. I'll go into this story another time. But I couldn't help but to feel that we opened a door there.
  I never really understood why the darkness always followed me. My first spiritual experience was when I was 5 and channeled my first spirit. The problem is that I had no idea I was doing it, until recently. this started me on my path and I felt like a target. Most mediums experience the lighter side of spirituality and the spirit realm, but since the beginning, I only experienced the dark. I know the evils  that dwell there and have fought it most of my life. They wait until I am at my most vulnerable point. It's difficult to explain without people thinking I'm completely nuts,lol. But he told me that my third eye was opened in the dark and I have spent so much time seeing the dark, that I need to return to the light and to open my eyes to the light. God doesn't need to show us anything because we are a part of him and were created to already know. But the darker forces, they want me to see them. They planted a seed in me many, many years ago and this is my greatest weakness. I know this to be true what he has said.
  I thought back on my life and how many times the Angels were actually there when I didn't notice. From the time of my first channel to the last night I played the game, to the multiple attacks in cali. By writing this blog now, I now see where I went wrong. I see why I became lost and now see what it is that I have actually lost. I have lost the connection to the sacred. Everything is sacred and yet I don't honor these things. They may not be sacred to other people, but these things are sacred to me. God looks at us as sacred, because he is sacred and we are his children, therefore making us sacred. We must honor not only God, but we must honor the things within us. I went through those trials because I made a choice to hang on to things that I knew would destroy me. It's not the emotions that did that, it was my unwillingness to let go and to make him prove to me his love. He has done this in so many way's, and only now have I figured this out. There is not ONE time that I can recall that he has not answered my call. Sure it may have not been what I was expecting, but he was there. This realization has allowed the ice and snow to melt around my heart and to see things as they truly are.
  As a Witch, As a Mystic, As a child of the Most High God, I honor the sacred love and understanding of God, I honor the gifts he has given to me and I am willing to dedicate my life to the work that God has chosen me to do. I honor the blessings that have been given to my family  and I honor the light within others as well as myself.